bus

Posted: **Mon Dec 13, 2004 4:43 am**

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes.

what had happened just before?
feeling su. was hopeing that si would still work to take away the su urge. it didn't help

what were you thinking and feeling?
wondering if i would feel less su if i cut

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
there was no final straw. didn't realy even want to si. didn't have a desire to si. a *hope* that i would not feel su afterwards. i was tupid to think it would help.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
the final straw? my t making an emergency opening for me on friday. me telling her i was su. that i wanted, no needed ip. she didn't even address my question about ip. just wanted to talk about the trigger and said if we talked about the trigger the su urge would go away. it didn't.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
slept 10 hours last night. until this morning, have been taking my meds as prescribed. decided this a.m. they weren't working anyway so didn't take a.m. anti-depressant. didn't start drinking till after si'ing.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
called a friend.
im'd
posted on bus
posted on another board
tried to eat (but have no appetite)
talked to my t daily from tuesday thru friday hoping that she could get meds changed or ip or anything to get me thru this and no results.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
some people think i should go to ER. but that's a waste of time and money (no insureance) cuz mental health is useless. no other coping methods left.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.nothing to remember

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
not resolved. my t didn't even listen to me on friday. had her own agenda and didn't even answer my very first question upon getting to her office: "what are my options" i'm angry at my t. i'm hurt. i feel ignored. it doesn't matter anymore

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
i can't get the mail. i can't go to work. don't buy groceries. don't eat. don't cook meals for kids. cry ALL the time. that's how i know. yes i'll be there agian IF i survive this.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
the whole point of si was to hope the su feelings will go away. if i make it to another point of feeling this su, i will si again in hopes that killing myself won't seem like an option.
what i tried: calling t
talking to friends
getting out of the house
eating a decent meal
holding and petting my cat
stupid online games

not sure what the point is. nothing feels any different.

Posted: **Mon Dec 13, 2004 8:12 pm**

I hate when nothing gets better at that moment...but it will soon i promise! I stopped si b/c i wanted to...but it all went down hill...but now i'm doing okay. I replaced si with writing...but now i'm not doing so good..now i have an *ed* ... fun stuff...not...but i am here for you AT ALL TIMES!!! so don't be afraid to contact me! broken_words

Posted: **Mon Dec 13, 2004 9:18 pm**

Swanfaerie I am so sorry you are feeling this way at the moment. I wish there was something i could do to change everything.

swanfaerie wrote: i'm angry at my t. i'm hurt. i feel ignored.

Is there anyway you could tell your t about these feelings a letter, e-mail, answerphone message, a way where she can't interupt you, where you can explain why you are feeling this way and what you NEED. If you think IP is an option tell her here. Trying to get here to listen again is worth a shot.

Is your t in charge of your meds or do you have a Pdoc aswell. Is there anyone else you could go to?

I am sorry that SI didn't work for you this time. I can completely relate to SI'g in the hope that it would make you less SU. I never really understood my logic there but it has on occassions worked. I hope that you can get through this to the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know if you will find these posts helpful or not but you might like to have a read:

when you feel you can't go on

Also a post from Para in the Arc

Paradoxis wrote: Hold on for the day when you won't feel like this, because it's inevitable, even if you do nothing.

Hold on for the beauty of a sunrise, the day when you notice colour again,
and feel it reflected and magnified inside you.

Hold on for the day when the terrible Emptiness and inexhaustable Need are gone and you are free. It does happen. It happened to me, so have hope.

Hold on if for no other reason than to see what happens next, cause you can pretty much guarrantee that sooner or later something you didn't expect will happen, and it might be good.

Hold on for the time when the voices in your head are saying "good job" instead of "you're a failure", when the words in your head are supportive and nurturing.

Hold on for the day when you realise you haven't even thought of hurting yourself or killing yourself in ages and ages. It's such a surprise!

Hold on for the morning when you wake up feeling so totally relaxed and rested that your body is luxuriously heavy and that first stretch is wonderfully decadant.

Hold on for the day when you *really* don't give a flying f*ck how you look, or what people think of you, because you are comfortable, not defiant.

Hold on for the day when you are no longer defined by other people's opinion of you.

Hold on for the day when the only tears you have are from laughing so much, when the laughter just bubbles up naturally and smiles come so easily that your cheeks hurt.

Hold on for the day when you laugh at yourself for all your little ways, even the ones that you used to find intolerable, because that's the day when you've accepted who you are and come to see it all as precious and endearing.

Hold on for the moment when you suddenly recognise that you've grown and changed, and are pleasantly suprised.

Hold on for the day when you look in the mirror and don't run screaming from the room, when you are happy with who and what you see. That is a fantastic moment.

Hold on for the moment of transformation that occurs when there has been a deep shift inside you and a whole new world opens up in all its beauty and wonder.

Hold on for the day when you can really taste food again, when you notice the blue of the sky, the quality of light reflecting off leaves, the softness of a child's skin, the pleasure of someone's smile, the feeling of a gentle breeze on your face and ruffling your hair, the play of light through the trees, and you hear the beauty of a bird's song as if for the first time and in that moment, nothing else matters.

Hold on for the day when you suddenly notice that things have depth, that everything is no longer two dimensional.

Hold on for the time when you feel all this creative energy inside you, waiting to be expressed - whether it be through song, music, dance, art, writing, or just simply by loving.

Hold on for the day when you really feel and Know that you have something to offer, and that this something is not Pain, which is all you thought you had to offer before.

Hold on for the day when you can let other people's love get inside you, where you can feel it, when it doesn't just bounce off you without meaning.

Hold on for the day when your words make a difference in someone else's life - whether you see it or not, whether you understand it or not, whether you see all the ripples or not.

Hold on for the miracle of the moment when you see yourself truly, as you are, and are awestruck, because it WILL happen if you let it. So hold on for
the day when you grasp the wonder of who you are, behind and beneath all he pain and all your thoughts.

dreams

bus

it didn't help and things are getting worse

it didn't help and things are getting worse

I hate that...