bus

1. How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?

I don’t think it will. The situation is to do with how I perceive other people are treating me. Like I don’t deserve to have friends or be liked. I feel like I am not worthy of their time that I am not a good enough person.

2. What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?

It will bring relief for a while from suicidal feelings. I never feel the urge to SU as much after SI.
It will take away my belief in myself to find a way of coping that isn’t self destructive. It will make me even more worthy of the treatment I am receiving from other people.

3. How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I don’t really know. I suppose I just don’t want to feel like this. I want to feel as if I am a person who deserves to be liked. No hurting myself will not get me any closer to feeling like this but not hurting myself may make me feel further away from this.

4. If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?

It seems like the only option to stop SU right now. The relief will last probably about a week after that I don’t know……

5. What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I’m in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?

I could tidy my room to distract myself but it won’t change the situation I’m in. Nothing can change it, that’s the problem.

6. How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself?

Ashamed, lonely, isolated.

7. How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?

The same: ashamed, lonely and isolated

8. What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

Curl up in a ball and go to sleep and never wake up. I’m going to go to sleep if I can and see if I still feel the same when I wake up.

dreams

I don't think it will. The situation is to do with how I perceive other people are treating me. Like I don't deserve to have friends or be liked. I feel like I am not worthy of their time that I am not a good enough person.

that sounds very painful. are the people who are treating you badly ones whom you have to spend time with? is there any way you can see them less?

It will bring relief for a while from suicidal feelings. I never feel the urge to SU as much after SI.

do you know what it is about hurting yourself that makes you less suicidal? you mentioned that it brings you relief— what emotional state does it bring you relief from?

It will take away my belief in myself to find a way of coping that isn't self destructive. It will make me even more worthy of the treatment I am receiving from other people.

it sounds like self-injury might make you feel worse about yourself, less likeable? what kinds of things in your life have made you feel likeable?

i'm sorry you're hurting so much. isolation and loneliness are just tough. i hope you'll take care of yourself, because you do deserve it.

dragonfly

silverdragonfly wrote: "I don't think it will. The situation is to do with how I perceive other people are treating me. Like I don't deserve to have friends or be liked. I feel like I am not worthy of their time that I am not a good enough person."

That sounds very painful. Are the people who are treating you badly ones whom you have to spend time with? Is there any way you can see them less?

Unfortunately due to the nature of my course I spend nine to five with the same group of people and have no way of changing that until next year.

I am going to try and see other people more outside of university though. If I have more of a life in other ways then the time spent in university won't seem like my 'whole' life.

Looking back today, I know that their actions were probably not meant in any malicious way, that they didn't think of how it would make me feel. But it did affect me and I don't want to de-value those feelings because they weren't the outcome that was intended.

I think maybe I need to find a way to step back earlier and review the situation from a neutral perspective without diminishing the value of the feelings I experience. I don't know how to do this though. Any ideas would be gratefully received.

silverdragonfly wrote: do you know what it is about hurting yourself that makes you less suicidal? You mentioned that it brings you relief— what emotional state does it bring you relief from?

I don't really know what it is about SI that makes me not feel suicidal. I suppose that in experiencing pain I am somehow validating the feeling of pain inside and if the feeling is validated it doesn't seem quite so overwhelming.

As with relief I'm not sure if it’s a specific emotion it brings me relief from but more it relieves the 'build up' of emotions that are so strong and unmanageable and makes them seem smaller and more manageable. Almost like pressure building up inside a balloon and the only way to relieve that pressure is to burst the balloon.

^I don't think that makes much sense. But I’m still thinking about that one.

silverdragonfly wrote: it sounds like self-injury might make you feel worse about yourself, less likeable? What kinds of things in your life have made you feel likeable?

You are right that self injury makes me feel less likable. I don't really know how to define 'likable' but I think I was trying to say that if makes me feel as though i don't have any of the qualities that people would look for in a friend.

I'm trying to think back to things in my life that have made me feel likeable, I don't really know. I can't remember any specific time in my life that I have felt like that although I know that there are some periods in my life I have been 'ecstatically' happy for no reason I can't remember what it feels like to feel 'likable'. This is one of my major problems and something I really want to work through in therapy is being able to name and 'label' my feelings in such a way that I might be able to remember them even though I am not currently feeling them. Unfortunately the prospect of therapy is still really far off as the NHS waiting list seems so long.

^does that make any sense either?

Silverdragonfly thank you so much for you reply it has helped me a lot to go back into this and review everything. Everything that you said has been really useful for me and I hope that I can learn something from this. Oh and as you can see from my sig, I made it through the night without SI'g which is a really positive outcome for me.

Hey Dreams,

I'm glad you made in through the night without SI'ing. I think what you said made a lot of sense -- I know SI'ing can relieve the stress for a while, but it usually makes you feel worse about yourself in the long run. SI'ing definately beats SU'ing, if those are the only choices. I'm sorry you can't see a counselor right now. That would probably help. Something that I find is helping me is journaling longhand (no typing) about my feelings. I read somewhere that it allows the right side of your brain (feeling side) to be helped by the left (analytical side) to deal with the feelings It helps me manage my feelings better. The other thing that helps is sharing with someone safe. Do you have someone like that in your life? I don't necessarily share about the SI feelings but the other stuff that is leading to them. Good luck to you. Congratulations on two weeks!

Wendy

Things to come out of episode:

Spend more time with people not related to my course – starting tomorrow. I’m going to have lunch with Rachel (from BUS) who’s also at my university.

Thinking about buying self help DBT book – this is what Deb said about it on her site so I’m a little less worried about not having an ‘official’ diagnosis before starting it:

“A practical guide to doing Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, this book contains dozens of worksheets and homework assignments that can be useful to anyone trying to deal with emotions and relationships more effectively. Highly recommended, and not just for borderlines”

I have reserved it from the university library but it is already late so I don’t think the person who has it at the moment will be returning it anytime soon.

Will chase up my appointment with the psychologist on Thursday when I go to see the Dr as am feeling that therapy is definitely going to be a great help.

I don’t want to set myself too many challenges because I will only fail if the list is long.

Am still looking for input into how to:

step back earlier and review the situation from a neutral perspective without diminishing the value of the feelings I experience.

and

validate my feelings and relieve the ‘build up of emotions’ in a non destructive manner.

Wendy thank you so much for your reply. I’m interested in what you said about journaling. Unfortunately I am not very good at expressing myself in writing as I have dyslexia and when it comes to feelings its almost as if I don’t actually have the words, as if my vocabulary isn’t good enough. I think I will try to write a sort of journal though in my own way. Feelings are so hard to describe because there’s nothing actually happening outside your head.

As for whether I have someone in my life with whom I can share my feelings, I’m afraid that I don’t have anyone right now. I did share a little of what I was feeling last night with an acquaintance but I don’t really know him that well to be able to look for support from him. It was nice to get a little ‘off my chest’ though.

dreams

Sounds like your taking some very positive steps! Congratulations. The therapist idea will probably be helpful too. I've found that to be true in my own case -- really helps to have a place to share feelings safely, especially if that is lacking IRL sources.

Take care!

Wendy