Sorry, I'm triggered.

[kurdt_kobain]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I'll feel more...calm. The feeling will be outside of me now. The tightness in my throat and stomach will die down and I'll be able to relax.

I don't know quite why I'm upset. I posted here last night on main about some of it...but I dunno. I was scrolling down BUS and I suddenly wanted to hurt myself very badly. It wasn't anything I read; I wasn't even on a message. I was just thinking about school starting again and how I didn't want to go there and not see HIM and how I didn't want to...go back...and face my friends. I just panicked.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It won't BRING anything, or take anything away. It will just make my emotions stop going "stir-fry crazy."

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I don't want to hurt myself, that's why I'm here. I don't want to. But...I really, really want to. In the long run, I don't care. It's covering the scab I don't want to do. Right now, I want to hurt myself. Tomorrow, I'll wish I didn't. A month from now, I won't give a fuck.
I've never really understood the last part of this question. Of course it will bring me farther away from being panicked. That's why I do it!

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

It will last for a while. I don't know. I don't really...care. I just want to hurt myself, dammit. it would hurt my mom...but no one else cares if I do it. No one else cares that I'm sitting here panicked. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want them to look at me. I want to lock myself somewhere and never come out...and normally, I'm a pretty social person.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I could read my book. I got a collection of Kant's writings, and I'm really excited about reading that. I could read Harry Potter, if I don't feel like thinking. I could sit around and mope.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I don't know. I really don't.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to talk to HIM. I want to be hugged by a friend. I want to sleep, and I really want to cry. I want someone to make me feel special and worthwhile, because I can't do that for myself.



x

[broken_words]

I totally know how you feel. It's crazy that someone else feels the same way i do!!!!! You encouraged me. I'm on 12 weeks free of *SI* and OHHHHHHHHH do i miss it!!!!