bus

I know I am new here and haven't given anyone else help, so excuse my brazenness.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I feel terribly guilty about a great many things that I have done since the last time I cut. I also feel guilty about wanting to cut. I need retribution. I feel like I cannot be forgiven until I punish myself.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes, many times. I mostly just cut myself then; that was the only purpose it served for me. I felt horribly afterwards if and when my mother found out I cut. She has said that my self-harm hurts her more than anything else. She thinks I have stopped.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I have repressed the urge for a few weeks now. It doesn't ever completely go away.

How do I feel right now?

I don't really know; sorry. A little sick in my stomach and my heart.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Like a child who is being scolded.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I will feel on my way to forgiveness. I will also feel guilty for doing something that detresses my mother. The next morning I will probably feel the same. As the wounds heal, I will feel completely forgiven, that I have learned and that I am a good person once again. The scar will serve as a current reminder not to repeat whatever it was I did to deserve punishment.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I can't avoid feeling guilty. If I knew how to deal with it, I wouldn't be here.

Do I need to hurt myself?

If you mean "Will I commit sucide if I don't?" then the answer is no. But I want to. But I don't want to hurt my family.

If you want to SI as some way of attoning why not an act of contrition instead of retribution? Perhaps you could do something to help someone or for charity or something?

I know I am new here and haven't given anyone else help, so excuse my brazenness.

welcome! i'm glad you jumped right in and answered the questions; that's why they're here!

As the wounds heal, I will feel completely forgiven, that I have learned and that I am a good person once again. The scar will serve as a current reminder not to repeat whatever it was I did to deserve punishment.

i can very much relate to the need for punishment thing. but i'm curious as to how well this actually works for you. when you look at your life and your behavior, do you find that you are getting closer to the person you want to be because of your self-injury? does knowing that you will hurt yourself if you make a mistake make you less likely to make mistakes?

dragonfly

I am becoming closer to the person I want to be because of it. However, this doesn't make my self-injury decrease. It seems I am always finding new mistakes to make. When I make a mistake, I won't even know until later, maybe days afterwards, if it warrents harming myself to correct. Sometimes though, I feel the urge to do so immeditaly. My "mistakes" don't even have to be actions; they can be thoughts or ideas I don't want to enter my mind again.

I have never written down anything about my urges, not even in the journals I kept. Reading over them now, I sound like some crazy old religious fanatic who beats his kids if he thinks the devil is within them.

That contrition idea is very good. I'll try that. Thank you.