bus

I have been mostly lurking around here for weeks, but dont know why really
Anyway, I cant seem to go more than a week without a slip. I dont want to do this anymore, but as most of you know, there is more than one person sharing this body, and maybe that's the problem.....I just don't know.
When the urges come, I try all sorts of distraction. I have even gone and gotten whatever I am going to use, and after sitting there with it, I have actually gotten up and given it to my room-mate. She doesnt judge, is never condescending, and always supportive and helpful. She loves me in everyway possible.......so, why do I still do it?
Where do the urges come from?
It's al;most like I panic when I think of how much time has passed since the last SI incident. Am I weird?
I try to go thru Kaar's questions each time, but sometimes, i know my every answer isnt going to be thought out, and will be sarcastic, short and negative. So, then when I know thats gonna happen, I just dont answer them.
Is thatw rong?
The times when i do cut or whatever, and its "spur of the moment" are the times that worry me more now than the thought out times, if that makes any sense at all.
I am really trying not to beat myself up over all of it, but its so overwhelming.

Where do the urges come from?

that can be a really tough question, i know. i wonder if it would it help to look more closely at how you feel after you've done it (or even how you are hoping to feel?) that might give you more of an idea of why you want to do it, how it's helping you cope.

It's al;most like I panic when I think of how much time has passed since the last SI incident. Am I weird?

i don't think that's at all weird. maybe one question that could be helpful is— what would it mean to you to be living without si? why is that frightening?

I try to go thru Kaar's questions each time, but sometimes, i know my every answer isnt going to be thought out, and will be sarcastic, short and negative. So, then when I know thats gonna happen, I just dont answer them.

Is thatw rong?

i certainly wouldn't say that it's "wrong." i actually think it's a positive that you can recognize when you're not going to answer the questions in a way that is helpful for you.

i know i get in those moods where i just want to be sarcastic and negative, and i don't want to do anything that might help. for me, a lot of times i think it's about anger. anger because i don't want to have to try to be healthy (because i'm tired of trying, or maybe because i'm not entirely sure that i want to get better). or maybe frustration with how hard things are. or skepticism that anything could help.

The times when i do cut or whatever, and its "spur of the moment" are the times that worry me more now than the thought out times, if that makes any sense at all.

that does make sense. the "thought out" times give you a lot more space to stop what you're doing than the impulsive ones. have you noticed any pattern to when you are more likely to do it impulsively, what kinds of triggers go along with that?

I am really trying not to beat myself up over all of it, but its so overwhelming.

i think that's great that you're working on the not beating yourself up bit, because i think it's very difficult to really challenge your si behavior if you're clobbering yourself mentally/emotionally because of it. and it sounds to me like you've done some good thinking about where you are with this. i'm sorry it's been so overwhelming and difficult lately. i hope you can find things that help.

take care.

dragonfly

that can be a really tough question, i know. i wonder if it would it help to look more closely at how you feel after you've done it (or even how you are hoping to feel?) that might give you more of an idea of why you want to do it, how it's helping you cope.

a lot of the time i feel this big release. like I can breathe. and then I feel guilty. Ive made a contract with our roommate. when any of us has Si'd we will hsow her where and what. so she can assess it, and take care of it if we havent done it properly. I dont feel guilt about showing her, but I DO feel guilty for doing it, but not for her. make sense? Most of the time I am hoping to feel better, but even if i do, its fleeting, until the next urge comes.

i don't think that's at all weird. maybe one question that could be helpful is— what would it mean to you to be living without si? why is that frightening?

I guess it would mean finding something else to do. which sounds lame, but its like SI is MINE......I guess you could say that my job as an alter was to be in control, and be angry and pissed off, not take any crap, stand up for the body..only now, its all changing, and with that, its like the SI urges are stronger. like Im leeting go of control.

i certainly wouldn't say that it's "wrong." i actually think it's a positive that you can recognize when you're not going to answer the questions in a way that is helpful for you.

thank you!

i know i get in those moods where i just want to be sarcastic and negative, and i don't want to do anything that might help. for me, a lot of times i think it's about anger. anger because i don't want to have to try to be healthy (because i'm tired of trying, or maybe because i'm not entirely sure that i want to get better). or maybe frustration with how hard things are. or skepticism that anything could help..

that does make sense. the "thought out" times give you a lot more space to stop what you're doing than the impulsive ones. have you noticed any pattern to when you are more likely to do it impulsively, what kinds of triggers go along with that?

I have tried to figure it all out. It seems so stupid sometinmes tho... like yesterday9yup, again), i was sitting there thinking all about how much donna loves us all(shes the room-mate). how she opened her heart and her home, and she has never once shown anything less than real, true agape love, which really isnt in us humans as potential!..anyway, it got so overwhelming, that i got up, went into the bathroom, yanked out an eyebrow razor, and just went at it. 4 cuts, and probaly less than 4 seconds later, i was crying, and angry, and breathing,and felt better, but very very hurt. its like none of us in this body feel worthy of being loved ..by anyone. Its almost like self sabotage, along with trying to sabotage our relationship with Donna. which isnt gonna happen, but we keep trying. you know, the last straw thing.
NO, I am NOT saying we cut to affect her, cause I sure as hell dont.but deep down I always feel like maybe this time is gonna be her breaking point.
its like tht a lot,it was beofre too.

i think that's great that you're working on the not beating yourself up bit, because i think it's very difficult to really challenge your si behavior if you're clobbering yourself mentally/emotionally because of it. and it sounds to me like you've done some good thinking about where you are with this. i'm sorry it's been so overwhelming and difficult lately. i hope you can find things that help.

take care.

dragonfly[/quote]

thanks so much for the reply and the insight. I know I have a bad habit of getting wrapped up in the wat if's and so what's......it weas my old nature and Im learning to do things differently...like i said tho, it seems that now that my "job" is changing, I am getting more urges and slips in my life