After post (sorry...) *SI*
Posted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 12:42 pm
The incident was Wednesday night, just haven't had the opportunity to post until now.
- have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yeah done that. - what had happened just before?
Just before - well I arrived home from work and knew I hadn't long before I had to go out to church group... I'd been crying at work and on the Tube coming home and at home and I just knew I was going to SI. - what were you thinking and feeling?
I was so angry with myself and ashamed because I kept going over and over the situation that had upset me at work and I couldn't see any way of looking at it that gave me any right to feel so hurt by it and yet I still felt hurt, therefore I am bad. - why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
An SI episode has been "on the cards" for weeks now. But it was giving a seminar and having several members of the audience attacking me that did it. Yes, I had made an error in the maths, but I'm not bright enough to fix it there and then, and if lots of people all shout at me at once then I just can't cope. I shouldn't cry in those situations but I can't help it. They don't think their behaviour was unreasonable and I suspect it wasn't. I'm just too pathetic to handle it. - how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I don't think I could have stopped that happening. And all the other stresses that have been building up, well they are to do with having a new job and a new flatmate and all that, nothing I can do to avoid that either. - were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Only outside factors are the stresses of being new here, which I can't prevent. No drugs, no alcohol, and I think I slept ok. And yes I take my meds. - what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
In past weeks I've used quite a few to get this far. Even just before I SIed I read my list of strategies, but there didn't seem to be much I could do in the time available. And I didn't feel like I deserved to not SI anyway. - in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Maybe I shouldn't have gone to the church group. Being alone at home bad idea, but maybe I should have gone to a web cafe and posted it all here. But when I'm tearful I don't want to be out in public.
Maybe I shouldn't have had anything to SI with in the house. Well I did keep them inaccessible, and with a bit of paper so that I had to read my list of strategies and my reasons not to SI etc before doing it. I don't keep the "worst method" stuff in the house anymore, all I did on Wednesday was fairly minor. - name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
?? - how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
No. I have to continue the seminar on Weds, and give another one on Tues too - with the same aggressive audience. I don't see a way to resolve it - they are behaving in ways that are seen as acceptable in the place where I work: it's just me that hates it.
Maybe I should quit my job. But that will make me feel like a total failure, and I really don't want to let the SI have such far-reaching implications. - are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Obvious, I'll be crying when I don't want to. - what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
It's very hard when I don't feel like I have the right not to SI. I'll try:
Posting on BUS - hopefully I will have my computer next time?
Avoiding being at home on my own - I could have stayed late at work and then gone straight to the church group perhaps. Thing is if I can't stop crying I am pretty desperate to get to be alone...
Writing on myself in red pen. The other night it was I word I did, maybe I could have written the word instead of cutting it. I've managed that sometimes, though it does feel like copping out somehow.