kind of a during post - trying to stop *SA*

truce · Post by **truce** » Mon Nov 08, 2004 11:23 pm

*SA*

i want to stop, but i cant. i need to bleed. i always set myself up for heartache and pain.

before and after has helped before. once i once in the bath and had the blade in my hand and mentally went through the questions, this stopped me cutting, so for those who wonder, this forum works.

and now to business, sorry if i step on toes or hurt feelings but this is now about me and my survival. fuckit i deserve to live to, i dont want to, but i deserve to .....

so to business. this is kind of a before and during answer .....

1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

kind of stupid, i am hurting myself. i deserve punishment. why i dont know. i didnt do anything wrong yet i feel its my fault. i always call ppl honey, sweetie and then i get moaned at, so ergo if i get shat on, i must be wrong and thus deserve punishment bc if i say these things i hurt ppl close to me and then deserve to be hurt

2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

relief, take my mind off of, whom i kidding, takes my mind off of shit.brings clarity to the situation. brings relief, brings revenge on myself. the law says that ignorance is not an excuse. i didnt know it would hurt her, yet i did, so thus i need to get punished. i think this is the first time i can recall cutting for punishment

3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

how do i want to feel. i want to die. i dont want the pain. the pain must go, i cant take more heartache. it also came to my realisation that 3 / 4 years ago i was sexually abused. my fucking ex wife would arouse me, we would start making love. is this not the most intimate time between husband and wife. i know ive posted this before but i need to talk about it over and over till it stops hurting, and bus is all i have. while making love, she locked her arms and legs around me and looked me in the eye and called me a bastard, a fat fuck, a useless fuck, worthless. i cant close my eyes at night without seeing that and now i know where it comes from. ugghhhhhhh. will hurting me help? hell yes. the pain is physical, i can see the blood drip take my concentration, my focus away. in the long run, who knows. obviously not or i would have done it once and never again. but for tonight, yes

4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

probably not my best option. i did be positive and get my boxing bag up. couldnt use it before bc it hurt my knuckles after a few last si episodes. but i did buy gloves now so i can use them, except the bag is hung on the rafters and is noisy and being 12:15 am i cant use it. at least i am not bleeding in the bath, im trying to have some control over the si. how long is the relief gonna lst, hopefully till i am rested, peacefull and can sleep and see my pdoc in the morning. damn hes gonna be pissed so is my mom. she said if i cut again i have to move out and then i have to live on the street. fuck em, let them live with my pain and see what they do. im trying to stay alive for fuck sakes.

5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

as above, my boxing bag - not an option. i cant change the stuation, i need therapy, i need the pain, i need the nightmares, i need the heartache out, i cant live with it anymore.

6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? other things - none. aahhh, may try phone the sister at the hospital to get me through this. that might help. as to my feelings of cutting tomorow who cares as the poem on bus says:

But these are cuts not for death but life
Do not be alarmed at the way I strive
Marks on my body are a small price to pay
for freedom from Hell and a new dawning day

7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

what do i want to do now? cut more. my self protective instinct says cut noel so you can live. its cut or die right now im afraid

i wanted to do the other questionarrie s but dont have the strength will try again in a few minutes

truce · Post by **truce** » Mon Nov 08, 2004 11:50 pm

post deleted

dejavu0225 · Post by **dejavu0225** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 3:08 am

well you don't trigger me truce. you are a good and sensitive man. besides, whoever is worried about you hitting on them, remind them about just exactly where you live! I'm sorry that happened to you...

truce · Post by **truce** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 5:37 am

dejavu0225 wrote:besides, whoever is worried about you hitting on them, remind them about just exactly where you live!

exactly i have a sa flag in my sig damnit. dangersue, tx for answering again, i know its kind of a double post but to realise something like this at 30 to me is major.

the mental and physical abuse ive lived for for ages and can handle it i suppose but to have this realisation dropped on you, omf.

ty again dangersue and dragonfly for adding spoilers where i forgot and being so understanding

truce · Post by **truce** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 5:39 am

i need to do the second before questions to try stop me doing it again but i know im gonna but ill try later. and i need to do the after questions - real important. though now i need sleep and will do it when i get back from my pdoc appt in a few hours

lots of love

dejavu0225 · Post by **dejavu0225** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 12:04 pm

I sure hope your pdoc can find some drugs that will help without zoning you completely out. I want my old truce back for awhile. I'm sure you'd like him back too.

Don't obsess over whomever smacked you down with their trigger remark. One time I wrote an offcolor joke in felo and it hit the fan. It trigggered to many people who had sex issues. I was so devastated that I had hurt so many people that I slinked off felo and stayed away for months. I've only come back in the last 2 months.

what's that saying? You can please some of the people all the time and all of the people some of the time.

((((((((((truce)))))))))))

be seeing hon. take extra special care of yourself. hope your pdoc appt. is a good one. Mine is the 19th.

kcat · Post by **kcat** » Fri Nov 19, 2004 9:21 pm

Please take care....that story was so sad...(about your ex-wife)
There was a time that I allowed myself to be used by men, and I carry a lot of that hurt with me now, I know how that pain screams to come out. Good for you for working through all this on here, even if it was "during" and not truly "before"--it shows tremendous strength. I think you are a really strong and special person.

Keep trying.

Love,
KCat

truce · Post by **truce** » Sat Nov 20, 2004 1:17 am

kcat

((((big hugs))))

your post brings tears to my eyes. im crying as i type this. i hear you. you have brought so much strength to me personally, ((((kcat))))) you are truly special to me. bleah

*blows my nose on my sleeve and leaves*

truce · Post by **truce** » Sat Nov 20, 2004 1:26 am

so 11 days since i was here last and i recieved so much support

so its a bit late, but never too late for an after post, hey .... excuse spellos' but im tired, hungry and bleah .......

uuugghhhhhhhh, *deletes after questions* bleah

i suck

truce · Post by **truce** » Sat Nov 20, 2004 1:30 am

11 days, ugghhhhhh. so easy. oh so easy.

truce · Post by **truce** » Sat Nov 20, 2004 1:34 am

i sit here, trying to read other ppls before and after posts and trying to make sense of it all, but i cant. i really cant. cant i or dont i want to? oooohhhh million dollar question, cant ask a friend??????? just me ... and you ... my toughts, my decisions, my life, my blood

bus

kind of a during post - trying to stop SA

kind of a during post - trying to stop SA

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