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how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It will go away - even for a short while. I just need to get rid of this stress... Just everything... There's a bubble of problems hovering over me, breaking my back day by day. I don't know how much more I can take. It will just go away... which would make me feel better... Relieved even for a short while.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
Maybe more guilt will come by cutting myself, which only adds to the guilt that I have about more horrid grades in two classes, but it will take away some of this stress to be perfect in every aspect of school... I need this stress to go away. Just for even five minutes!! That's all I want... Five minutes of stress free life. I'm sick of it. Just sick of it.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
Honestly I don't know how I feel about this in the long run. I mean. Sure, I'll feel guilty and I'll have to start over - but right now... It seems like the only option to get rid of my stress. I can't take any more of this stress. I'm so stressed out I think I'll make myself sick. I believe it will get me furhter from the feeling of over stress which will likely help me get through this horrible stress over my fucking horrible grades...

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Well it depends... Sometimes the relief lasts for a few days - other times for a few minutes... But as of now, I don't care how long my relief from my stress lasts - just as long as I get it. I need some stress free reality and I'm obviously not getting it right now because of my teacher piling shit loads of work and on top of that... I've gotta do good on my ACTs and SATs and pass the OGT and pass my classes WITH my credits or I don't graduate. And right now I think I'm failing two of my classes which adds to my stress - even tho my mom knows and told me not to freak but I am and I need to cut... But after my relief goes away, knowing me and I am being honest - I may just cut again.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
RIght now I can't see any alternative to wanting to cut. The urge is so very high and I can't escape it. Maybe punching a pillow or just crying my eyes out... It may make me feel better for a short period and I guess it will last through tomorrow. I don't know.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Depends on how long my stress free reality from cutting lasts for me... If it lasts through tomorrow then I guess I'd feel better with a slight feeling of guilty but I can live with a little guilt. If I used the alternative I bet I would get stressed all over again because I'll have to sit through those two classes all over again but I won't wanna cry and punch anything in school so I'll get over stressed and break down.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really want to cut. I don't know what I should do... I know I shouldn't - but I can't see any way out of my stressful state of mind right now. I really can't... I had a breakdown because of this stress and well - I need it. I really feel I need it.

xXx Charm xXx

hi, cant add much to your post, just dropping a line to say i hear you, sometimes the external factors in our life make us feel that we have no control which only makes the urges stronger. i have been there, hell i am there. just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this.

when i am in this situation i find two of my biggest problems are a) i forget the good things, so try make a list of things going right in your life, try change your focus just for 5 minutes on something you are grateful for, something nice, try find a happy place.

my biggest problem though is i focus so on not cutting that that becomes such a trigger that i cant help but not cut, so after you have maybe tried above, or gone for a walk, or a run, or something, actually try to remove yourself physically from the environment that reminds you of your external burdens.

make a list of your worries and try to find a way to overcome or go through them, do a worst case scenario and a what would i do if i that really happened. in other words try handle the cause of your stress that makes you urge in a positive way in a safe environment instead of just trying not to cut.

i do not know if this makes much sense to you or will help, but its what i am trying to do, and though my circumstances are diferent, i have the same issues/worries in a way. and i am sorry if i rambled i am just trying to make sense of it all as well and do this too

and 46 days is quite an achivement,i hope that tomorrow you can make it 47. i know you dont like hugs but i will send happy thoughts and prayers your way if i may

noel

Thank you =very much truce for your great advice and your good thoughts. Much needed. I think I may be ok now because I got myself distracted and the urges and stress has lowered greatly. Thank God for my favorite tv show American Chopper, it got my mind off everything. But thank you very much for your imput. Much needed.

xXx Charm xXx