Before before

[dejavu0225]

·Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? ·
My scars begin to itch and I love to pick at them. When they heal, there is nothing to play with. I cannot express myself in words. When it comes to emotional stuff, The tension builds and it is very frustrating, cutting relieves the frustration. I have never tried to explain how I feel, so I guess most times I don’t know, the cutting makes me feel peaceful and relaxed.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? ·
Almost everyday. First I pick at my scabs to derail me. Sometimes it does, sometimes it triggers me more depending on circumstances. I’ve tried calling the therapist, but my guilt way outweighs picking up that phone to make the phone call. I got rid of my blades…except for the one I found in the paint and wallpaper box out in the garage. It’s going this morning. How did I feel when I postponed cutting? Irritable, frustrated, grouchy, hard to be around, short tempered.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I'm supposed to call my therapist, but that is so hard to do. I’ve tried going onto the computer to the webboard. I’ve tried watching television but it’s very boring. I have taken my dog for a walk in the middle of the night, but as soon as I get home, I get real needy for peacefulness. I’m able to read for longer periods of time and I have bought so many books I could be reading…..
How do I feel right now?
Tired of the fight. All triggered up and ready to go. But nothing to “go” with other than kitchen utensils. I’m tired physically from worrying about this.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Relief, calm, peace, relaxation. It’ll last 6-8 hours or more.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Shame that I let others down. Unhappy that I can’t get control of this. Tomorrow and all the tomorrows after will be a burden because control of myself in body and mind is very important to me and I’m losing it by not being able to stop this behavior.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
The stressor is inside me. Sometimes I will just walk in the house and if nobody is home, I’m excited because then I can “play with myself” freely. In the future, I need to leave the house if I’m alone and take a walk/ beat my head against the wall, (just kidding), try again to pick up the phone and call my therapist (scary), talk to myself about all this or maybe re-read this if it makes any sense.
Do I need to hurt myself?
No. And yes. Nobody NEEDS to hurt themselves, but the relief it provides is too good to just ignore or deny. It gives me back the control that is waning during the course of the day.

[Wendy]

Hey Deja,

I'm glad you posted here. I can relate to pretty much everything you shared -- from the being alone as a chance to "play with yourself" to the itchy triggering of the scars to the relief it brings for a while -- although I think it's more like 2 - 4 hours at most for me. What I've noticed for myself is that the more I SI, the more I want to SI. I can't ever really get enough of it, because the need continues to build. Until yesterday, when I still had 35 SI free days, my urginess had gone way way down -- the further I got past the first week the better it got. I thought about SI, but no huge push to do it except on a couple of occasions which I worked through. Now that I did cut I keep thinking about what to do next -- it's much harder to resist, but I'm trying to tell myself the same thing I'm saying here is that the more I do the more I'll want it, so I'll never get enough until I'm just a big road map which is not what I want. For me the first 3 to 4 days are real hard physically as well as mentally and emotinally. If I get through those, I get triggery again when the scars start to heal around a week. If I get through that, the urges are less often and I seem to be able to "ride the wave" and distract myself until they get more managable. After that I think it's a matter of honoring my feelings and not doing things that really feel wrong in my heart or selling out on myself. And for me staying connected to God is always an important part too. On my own, there's probably not much chance I'll stay SI free. What I'm trying to say with all this, is that if we can hang tough through this real uncomfortable part it does eventually get easier. There was a long period in my life after the first time I quit SI that it just wasn't an issue at all -- zilch! I'd sure like to work back to that place! Take care and be safe. Most of all be gentle with yourself -- treat yourself much better than your dad did!

Hugs,
Wendy

[truce]

(((deja))) (((wendy)))

just to let you know i read both your posts. you girls rock, btw. and i can sooo relate to what is said here deja, though i am glad to know as i post here that you didnt cut

noel