bus

i want to cut.

so bad.

i don't know if i can control it. i haven't done it in over a week, and i've gone the whole of october only slipping 3 times- september was 4. and i want to beat the record of september.

but i don't think i can. i'm shaking and having heart palpitations and can't stop thinking about how if i just do one quick slice of the blade, all this will go.

i've been under so much stress lately- uni is really getting to me, and i have come to the stark realisation that i have noone i would actually call a genuine friend.

i feel let down by so many people in so many ways... i feel used and discarded, left for dead.

so i want to cut. now.

i'm playing the 5 minutes game... gone 10 but don't know how much longer i can hold out.

please god, help me...

Hi Sad,

I know how rough it can be -- and how appealing the quick fix looks. Something that has helped me if visualizing the urge as a wave and waiting for it to crest and go down again -- it always does, but it can take some time and lots of distraction. For me, just knowing that it will eventually go down really helps. Posting here has also helped me a lot. I'm sending up a prayer for you -- take care!

Hugs,(if okay)
Wendy

thanks wendy for your kind words.

i didn't end up by cutting, but today has been even worse than yesterday...so i'm feeling the same urges, only stronger.

hope i can fight...

Is there any way to get any exercise? Workout machine, tred mill, walking, swimming or anything? I find that a lot of the physical symptoms will work out of my body if I get some vigorous exercise. There is something called the runner's high that gets the endorphins going -- it has some of the very same effects as SI but without the downside.

I'm sorry it's even rougher today. The good news is if you can get through this rising wave it will get easier. I know it doesn't feel like that now. I'm reminding myself of that as well, because I know from my own experience and what others have shared that this is what happens. It doesn't keep getting worse for ever -- it eventually turn around and subsides. Take good care and congratulations on not SI'ing yesterday.

Hugs,
Wendy