bus

*Have you taken care of your physical wounds?

Yes

* What happened just before?

Had sex with my husband.

* What were you thinking or feeling?

I felt intense anger. I was thinking how much better sex was when I was SI'ing. I didn't really want to have sex, but that wasn't why I was so angry (at least not the biggest reason). He's just been incredibly controlling and angry toward me and the kids, and when I try to talk to him about that it goes no where fast. After sex, I just had this strong urge to SI. I haven't really had any urges for weeks. Just this morning I was posting that I didn't have any urges. It came on fast and I didn't really want to talk myself out of it by posting here or doing something else.

* Why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? Was there an event that was the final straw? What was it?

I didn't want to keep experiencing the intense anger feelings I had inside. I hadn't had any urges for a while before and those urges weren't related to anger as far as I remember. The final straw was when we were having sex and I felt like I wanted to hurt him, but I didn't -- just tried to get it over with as fast as I could.

* How did this situation get to the final straw stage? Trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. Look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

I'm real tired of how controlling my husband is with everything. I'm feeling frustrated about my lack of control with money, freedom to travel, input on decisions. I am most upset about how his anger is hurting our kids. I haven't figured out how to fix this yet, although I am taking some tentative steps in that direction. I could have made a different decision by saying no to sex, when I really didn't want it. That triggered the SI.

* Were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? Can you address those in the future? How?

No drugs or alcohol involved. I'm no on any medication. I did have a short night's sleep last night due to going to bed to late and being woken up in the early am by my child and never getting back to sleep. I can work on getting more consistent rest. I know I am more easily triggered when I am tired. Need to go to bed earlier, because I can't control kids mishaps.

* What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? How well did they work.

Unfortuantely, I didn't try anything. I don't think I wanted to stop it.

*In retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? What were they?

There are several things that have worked for me in the past. One is posting here in the before section. Another is riding the wave of emotions. I'm probably not brave enough to call my friend, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have SI'd had I called. Problem is -- and I don't know what to try for this one -- at the moment the feeling came on so strong and unexpectedly that I didn't want to resist.

* Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

In this case I'm not sure coping methods will work, because I didn't want to cope. I think I'm going to have to aim at preventative measures like not doing things (especially sex) when I really don't want to do them. Boundary setting basically.

* How do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? Is it resolved? If not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

I'm still frustrated about the situation -- although I feel much better since the SI The basic problems in our marriage and my not setting good boundaries is going to take some work and needs to be done. I'd like to get some counseling, but am not sure I can arrange it (or pay for it). I'd also like to go to CODA meetings, but am not sure what to do about child care. I've got some details to work out still.

* Are you likely to be in that emotional place again? How will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

I'm positive I'll be in that situation again. I'll recognize it by the feelings of revulsion I have when husband mentions sex.

* What will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? List three specific things you will commit to trying.

Three things that would help me would be prayer, posting here, and riding the wave. I'm will aim to do those things, but I'm not ready to commit that I would under the same circumstances, because at the moment I had no wish to do anything but self harm -- saying otherwise would be untruthful. I think like I said before that I have to focus on the preventing it from escalating so quickly by doing things I feel strongly about not doing.

Thanks.

Wendy

First of all (and most importantly), 35 days is really great.

I'm concerned that you mentioned your husbands anger is hurting your kids. Is he aware that you feel this way and/or that the idea of sex with him is unappealing to you? It sounds like you have a pretty good idea of the kind of boundries you need to set, but that isn't something you can do alone.

Good for you for writing it out, and working through it. You have a pretty clear idea of what caused the urge. I wish it were only so easy to deal with the situation as it is to react to it. I know what you mean by having an urge come suddenly, and then not wanting to fight it. Because not-fighting it is easier, and very tempting. Is it frustrating to feel like you don't know if you want to not SI when you have these urges?

take care of yourself and your injuries,
JoAnna

I don't know that it's so much frustrating as discouraging. I was in such a good place and plunged so quickly. I thought I had passed the point where I would go back to SI'ing --I felt I was moving away from the urges and need to SI. I had broken clean of it before and kept free of it for 11 years. I thought I was heading that direction again. I'm not sure why it is so much harder this time, except that I don't have the IRL support (i.e. - therapist, support group, etc) I had back then. I think I've found some pretty good tools for when I want to fight it, but what do I do when I have no desire to fight it at all? Now that I gave in to it, I'm back to fighting off the mental images and desire to SI just for the feeling of it. Guess I get to slug through this fun part again.

Thanks for your response, JoAnna.

Wendy

(((((wendy)))))

hun, just letting you know that i was here, and battle so with the boundary issues as well. i hear you and relate to so much to what you and JoAnna posted here.

i may just go into this a bit more, bc the boundaries issues are still so strong to me too and i still have bad memories from the sex in my past relationship for most of the reasons you listed here.

ugghhhh, not supposed to be negative, bring something positive, ummm cant really, except to let you know that i hear you, i understand you and i hope it gets better hun.

noel

truce wrote:(((((wendy)))))

hun, just letting you know that i was here, and battle so with the boundary issues as well. i hear you and relate to so much to what you and JoAnna posted here.

i may just go into this a bit more, bc the boundaries issues are still so strong to me too and i still have bad memories from the sex in my past relationship for most of the reasons you listed here.

ugghhhh, not supposed to be negative, bring something positive, ummm cant really, except to let you know that i hear you, i understand you and i hope it gets better hun.

noel

Noel, Relating is bringing someting positive. Being heard and understood is very helpful -- thanks sweetie!

Hugs,
Wendy

Sex/SI spoilers
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I SI'd every day after this incident for a week. I'm 3 days SI free now and doing okay. I'm worried though -- I've been at that time of the month when I have an excuse for not having sex, but that grace period's about over. I'm afraid of saying no and causing problems with my H and I'm afaid of saying yes and triggering myself again. Maybe I wouldn't, but I'm afraid. I know it really is bothering me any time he's tried to grope or flirt with me this week -- I just can't seem to stand being touched. It's not an SA issue or anything, but a relationship one I think. Ahhhhh -- what do I do?

Wendy

wendy

holding you so tight and you are so in my prayers and thoughts every day. know that please. and i think you were so brave to mention this.

noel

Wendy wrote:Sex/SI spoilers
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I SI'd every day after this incident for a week. I'm 3 days SI free now and doing okay. real well done on the 3 days wendy I'm worried though -- I've been at that time of the month when I have an excuse for not having sex, but that grace period's about over. I'm afraid of saying no and causing problems with my H [baby, boundaries again, you are not responsible for his feelings. you are responsible to his feelings in that you cant say i dont want sex with you in a derogaratory way. saying, i feel insecure, hurt, unsexy (insert feeling here) and to have sex with you right now will cause me pain, in so doing you you are not being responsible to his feelings in that you are not being hurtful or derogatory, should he choose to be hurt or upset, then that is his problem as he is responsible for his feelings and he chose them. leave the room, the house if you have to till he calms down, but his feelings are not your fault[/i] and I'm afaid of saying yes and triggering myself again. you are the most important person in your life and as he is responsible for his feelings, so are you responsible for your own safety and feelings and need to do whatever nescassery to preserve yourself Maybe I wouldn't, but I'm afraid. I know it really is bothering me any time he's tried to grope or flirt with me this week -- I just can't seem to stand being touched. It's not an SA issue or anything it is, married or not, NO is NO, it remains SA or rape if you dont want it, or if you say no, at "best" its mental abuse , but a relationship one I think. Ahhhhh -- what do I do?

Wendy

wendy

i know i am only human and may be wrong in all of this, but i got out of a relationship like this bc of similar things. every irl relationship from now on will be tainted with her. she was a multi millionare, i had no choice on paint colours, supper, finances etc., she was a total control freak. i understand why now. her ex was a control freak and chose her clothes her makeup her everything. he had the last word on everything. i think she tried to control me bc after having no control she no longer wanted to relinquish control. bc she was scared she couldnt get it back. maybe your h's previous relationship / family life had similar undertones and he is just as afraid of losing control to some-one else again.

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on the sex front, yeah well. it only occurred to me today that i was SA as well. my ex would get me up and as a married couple start making love. i mean this is the most intimate part of a married relationship, no? and then she would lock her arms and legs around me so i couldnt get away (i cant forget her face as she looked me in the eyes at my most vulnerable moment) and tell me you are a worthless fat fuck, you bastard, you cant satisfy shit" i dont suppose its nescaserry to go on as you get the dea.

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so wendy, i know there are no positiive solutions in what to do in your situation mentioned here in my post, yet again. just know that i feel for you and i pray for you. there are a few scriptures that id like to send to you one day as i recall seeing you are a christian if you dont mind, but my concentration is lagging and my meds are kicking in

as always
in understanding
noel

Thanks Noel,

Sorry it took me a while to get to this post, since I haven't been on the BUS much lately. What your wife did was really cruel. One of my first sexual experiences before I got married, the guy I was with made fun of me for something. That was just one time, but I still can't stand that something, so I'm sure repeated abuse by your spouce is ever so much worse.

I've had a couple more SI times since I originally posted this and both times it was after sex. Strange I had all kinds of other stress going on, but it was not feeling urgy. Anyway, probably bring it up in counseling one of these times. I don't remember -- are you seeing a counselor? Having a safe IRL person to talk to sure seems to be helping me.

Hugs,
Wendy