what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? nothing, but relief and feeling.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? i want to stop trying to trust people. it never works, and i feel stupid for thinking it was okay to trust x. physically, i don't care. emotionally? that was stupid. hurting myself will punish me for trying again, remind me not to do it again, and let me feel alive.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? i'll get through the night. then i'll take tomorrow slowly, and not let myself get close to him again.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? probably read the book i started. it's been working on distracting me. but i can't concentrate on much right now. and i should be studying. it'd last until i fall asleep, but i won't get my work done.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? if i hurt myself, i'll probably be happy. (stupid i know). but it's my own little secret and i don't tell anyone. i like it that way. if i read, i won't remember not to trust x again.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? i want to scream and throw a tantrum, and hurt someone. but i don't have the energy. i think i'll have to give in.
i'll try and distract myself first...
tara.
