bus

What was it... Sunday night?...

Everyone at my new job seems to hate me. That's what I think, anyway. I just don't seem to fit in. Nobody talks to me or jokes with me or even looks at me when I enter the lounge. I say hi to people and they just ignore me.

Success in my job is measured by how many credit referrals a cashier has (in simpler terms, how many credit cards she/he can get customers to sign up for). I was informed that I'm well below store average... yup, I'd say zero is below average.

And then they thought they wouldn't tell me about our 5-minute staff meeting. I mean, I know they announced it over headset for whatever reason, and that I'm not the only one without a headset, but come on. I can't help but feel it's yet another way for them to demonstrate that they hate me because I'm a failure and a stupid little girl.

So... I cut. It seemed so large when I did it, but upon examining it today... I realized that it's a very tiny scratch, and as such I'm not quite as upset as I would've been if it was bigger. But still... it's not the quantity or quality of the cuts, it's the sentiments that caused them to be there.

And I felt (feel?) inadequate, stupid, ignored, useless. I have to work again on Thursday.

I don't know what will happen with my credit referral thing. I'm freaking out thinking that they'll fire me, and that'll be two jobs in less than 6 months that I'll have thrown away through stupidity.

And I need to get huge marks in all my courses this semester...
And I need to figure out what to do my ISU on in Writer's Craft...
And I stopped taking my meds...
And I wonder if I should start again...
Because if I did, maybe I wouldn't feel this way.

...Right?

that's so hard to be feeling ignored. i know that i've really struggled with fitting into certain social groups, and that it's been quite painful sometimes to feel like i was on the margins of them. i'm sorry things are so difficult right now; i can very much relate to that being a miserable situation.

that's lousy that you've said hello to some people and been ignored. i'm wondering if there is any chance that they weren't ignoring you deliberately? i know that i can get very much caught up in my own world sometimes and not be very sensitive to other people.

i don't know if this kind of thing would work for you, but when i'm feeling alienated from a group, i sometimes watch people for a while and try to pick out those who seem friendly or maybe less scary to approach. i think that having even one friend can make a real difference.

it sounds to me like you're being pretty hard on yourself, what with telling yourself that you're a failure and stupid. i think a lot of people struggle with adjusting to new jobs (i know that i do!); it doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you.

is there a particular reason you stopped taking your meds?

i really hope things get better for you.

dragonfly

Thank you so much for your reply, dragonfly.

The main reason why I've stopped taking my meds is (and I can't even tell my parents this, because I feel it's a very silly reason) because I'm in a Writer's Craft class, which requires me to write on demand a lot. The meds seem to hinder my creative ability, reducing it to... nothing.

I feel very good right now about having stopped the meds, because it allows me to write freely and express whatever I want. I feel listened to because everything I write for that class is read aloud by me to everyone else, and I get peer evaluations and stuff like that. I feel like people are finally listening to me.

My "attention-seeking" side is satisfied, for the most part -- excluding Sunday's incident.

I feel that my slip was mostly for attention purposes, although I don't "show off" my marks in any way. It was sort of a "look, notice me, I hurt. See?" thing.

I don't feel quite so guilty today. You brought up a lot of very good points -- I'm often far too hard on myself.

I told my mom today that my supervisor's on my butt and that nobody seems to like me. I usually never tell her anything, but I just felt I had to. I'm seeking a lot more support right now than I ever have before, and I sort of like it. It's just hard getting over the feeling that I might be too needy.

I know about the neediness thing from personal experience. What I found to be true for me was the more I tried to deny myself attention from others the worse it got, because even when I got attention I didn't let it sink in, because I was judging needing it. Once I found some safe people (therapy group in my case) and let myself be as needy as it felt, it got to a point where I didn't feel so needy all the time and I could find a middle ground that was comfortable for me and others. It was a bit like a clock pendalum -- had to swing a bit to far to one side for a while to balance trying to deny the need for so long before I could find the middle. It's okay to need attention -- we all do. Babies literally die without it. And some of us for whatever reasons need a little extra TLC -- that's okay too!

Hugs,
Wendy