bus

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I'll feel more in control, but the situation will probably be made worse


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
more fighting. the pain


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel happy with my relationship and i can guarantee that cutting will just make the relationship worse.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
a few minutes. Then I'll cry and cry and not be able to cal Kevin

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
stay online, can't call Kev, don't wnan talk to Nikki, so staying online it is.


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Pretty freaking bad, but oddly proud of my cut. Worried about telling Kevin. If i stay online I'll still feel shitty, but no papralyzed by the fear of having to tell Kev and wondering if it'll break us up.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to cut so bad, but it's not my chioce anymore. i want to hurt myself to take some of the pain away. I just need to stay online until I'm sure I won't go look for my knife.

Firstly, I just wanted to say that I'm glad you were able to post and try to talk through some of your feelings before you tried to hurt yourself.

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly.

It seems like you are really struggling to not hurt yourself, but you also seem to feel that hurting yourself will take some oif the hurt that you are feleing away. You also said, however, that that relief would last only a few minutes and that, after that, you would feel bad again. I'm wondering if you have any kind of safety plan for those times when you are feeling like this which might help? Staying online and keeoing yourself away from your knife is a good start. I was just wondering if there were some other things that you might be able to do to help distract yourself as well?

please be gentle with yourself.

I hope you start to feel safer soon.
amanda

eek... sorry I've lost all sense of time. I thought you posted this tonight.

so, changing this since I just realized that today is not the 14th, are there things moving foward that you have (or can put) in place to help support you in case you are in this place again?