bus

1. Why do I feel the need to hurt myself? What ha brought me to this point?

I'm very tired, I've been sick over a week and am getting worse, my husband's having trouble at work again (he is our sole bread winner with me staying home with the kids), my house is a mess, I'm completely disorganized and can't even seem to get birthday cards or presents off to my family members and am afraid of losing contact with them (they are my birth brothers and their families and since our mom died our ties aren't as strong as they used to be and I'm mucking up even this simple thing I could do)

2. Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

In some ways, this is a little worse than usual. I haven't Si'd in almost 3 weeks -- a record for me. Sometimes when I'm tired and headachy the SI'ing helps kick me out of it. Sometimes it helps for a while and then makes it worse. Never know which way it will go.

3. What have I done to ease this discomfort so far. What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I've taken hot showers, medicine, rested, prayed, eaten comforting foods, set limits with family on what I am and am not up to doing today and got on the BUS to post. More prayer and doing this Before and After, watch a favorite TV program.

4. How do I feel right now?

Ughhhhhhhh! Tired Discouraged Lonely

5. How will I feel when I'm hurting myself?

Good, energized, excited

6. How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I'll probably feel calmer and a little more alert afterward. Tomorrow I'll feel sad that I didn't make it to 3 weeks and have to hide more cuts from my family.

7. Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I can get to bed at a more reasonable hour and that would certainly help with the tiredness. I'm not sure if I could have avoided getting sick, both my kids had it. I don't know how to fix things for my husband, so I can't really elimate that stressor either. I wish I could get to a 12 step group. I don't think there is one for SI around here, but even a co dependents annoymous would help -- I think my co dependent behavior is one of my big triggers with stuffing my feelings and all -- also I wouldn't feel so lonely for adult conversation. I love my kids to bits, but I really don't see other adults except my husband and I miss it -- especially my girlfriends since we moved so far away from everybody. I don't have anyone to watch my kids so a meeting isn't possible for me.


8. Do I need to hurt myself?

I still want to, but maybe I'll try watching some TV first or even calling my one friend who knows about this -- she doesn't SI though and doesn't really understand, so I probably won't do that. I always feel so uncomfortable that I'm sorry I called afterwards. I hope somebody reads this and responds -- I'm really feeling alone.

Thanks if you did read this!
Wendy
5.

hey wendy. i read.

i hear a lot of stress and not a lot of human connection to help defuse it. that's a lousy place to be. it does sound like having more support in your life could make a real difference; i wish i knew an easy way to conjure up such a thing. any chance you could call any of your old friends long distance?

i'm not feeling like i have much helpful to say at the moment, but i did want to let you know that i'm listening. i know it's not the same as having an irl person there, but sometimes when i've been feeling lonely and disconnected i've posted on main just asking for people to say hello. it's nice to feel like other people are out there.

i'm sending good thoughts.

dragonfly

Thanks Dragonfly! It does help to know somebody is out there and listening. I don't expect anybody else to fix my problems, but I have a lot more courage to tackle them myself, when I know somebody hears and cares, so thank you very much. And yes, I do need more IRL support. I'm very isolated here. No close friends at all. Only one person IRL knows about my SI and she lives on the other side of the country. I could call her, but I always feel like such a loser when I do -- nothing she does you know, just my own judgments. I'm comfortable talking to her about anything except SI -- maybe I'll call and talk about other stuff that's bothering me.

Wendy