bus

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

Mhm


what had happened just before?

My mom kicked me off the computer and I went upstairs and saw my bed, and I started thinking about how I don't want to be alone crying into my pillow again. I was thinking about the fight I had with my dad in the car and him saying, "You know, me and your sisters don't think everything sucks. I know you and your mom think it does, but we don't. Don't ruin it for us."

I don't know. I was just hurt.


what were you thinking and feeling?

I was thinking that I wanted a cut on my body so that I could ignore this for a while. I was feeling really badly, and I didn't want to start crying again and just spend the night feeling miserable. I also had some new blades, and I rather wanted to see what they would do to me. My arms were feeling hot--like I needed to break the skin on them. I was disgusted with the fading of my old scars and the way my arms are starting to look normal.

I felt like I didn't deserve to get better or feel normal. I felt like I don't deserve the friends I have now and that they all hate me because I haven't been happy for a few days. I hate myself. I wished I was dead and I wanted to OD for a few seconds. I just felt disgusted with my lack of ability to reach out to people. I had just gone to a church youth group, and I can't discuss my life with them...I'm supposed to get help from them, but I'm so far away and I've been faking that church thing for a while. Then I felt betrayed by Smalltown...all the church things I did with them and they don't even care when I stop showing up at their meetings...they didn't care when I was crying in the bathroom and cutting in the cabins.

I'm so screwed up. I felt like I was, am just so UNWANTED by everyone and I just am so unwanted in my house and I don't even know why anyone is nice to me.

Ugh. I felt awful.


why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?

Final straw. I had been waiting for a chance to do it, and I just went for it this time. I wanted to see cuts on my arm, and so I made some. It's never enough, though.


how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.

I don't think I could have. This has been going on for a few months now with my friends, and a few years now with my family. Basically, my family is a wreck. My mom and I fight all the time and my little sisters hate it and my dad hates this place and everyone is just unhappy, and it's my fault. It is. They all know it. My dad tells me, "I hate this drama. Things are so less dramatic when you're not around." It's just awful. My mom yells and screams, and I yell and scream and everything is just awful.

And my friends don't know me. They don't know anything about my depression or my shit and they wouldn't like me if they knew. I have such tongue fucking relationships with them. I don't really talk...we don't really talk. Our tongues just fuck around in our mouths and make sounds come out. I don't know. I hate it. I hate not being a good person. I hate myself. I really, really do. I hate that I can't open up to these people and I can't bring this up to a better situation. I hate it. I hate me.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

I wish there was. If had some codeine or something...I would have been good. I could have made it all go away.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

I tried to wait it out, but I just kept feeling worse.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

No. I honestly don't know how else to cope.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

I don't know.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

I want to see my T. I'm gonna keep telling mom to make me an appointment. And I'll ask her what I can do? Maybe she'll have an idea. Oh god, I know, I'm just gonna get there and not be able to say anything. It's so much work to say this to someone's face. I can type it on the internet. I can have conversations about it in my head. I don't know if I could watch her sitting there...judging me.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

Yep. I know I will be again. Maybe next time I can squeeze ice or just sleep or listen to music or meditate.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

1) Ignore it
2) Pretend I'm someone else
3) Make up a story about something and just focus on that

I know, I'm just gonna get there and not be able to say anything.

Could you write things down and when you get there just give the T what you have written?
It might be easier for you to answer questions about what you wrote than it is to just tell things
I know that's how I am.

Make up a story about something and just focus on that

Could you write a story about a special place and imagine yourself there in the story?
Take yourself somewhere where you want to be and write all the wonderful things there
When you don't feel like writing you can read what you have already written and that might help too.


Jo

it sounds like there's a lot of difficult stuff in your environment, between tension at home and not feeling really connected to your friends. i can see why it's making it tough to cope.

i noticed that you mentioned a couple of times that you feel angry at yourself for not being able to communicate or open up to people. it sounds to me like you're being awfully hard on yourself over that. good communication, being able to ask for help in an effective way . . . those are learned skills (and if you've come from a family that doesn't have good communication skills, it's not a surprise that you might struggle with that sort of thing.) i guess i'm just wondering if that's a perspective you could challenge, when you find yourself thinking that you're a horrible person for not being able to reach out. the fact that this is hard for you doesn't have anything to do with your value as a person.

i don't know whether you're like this, but i know that i'm extremely unlikely to open up in groups, or on the spot without having thought about it in advance. sometimes i've tried to identify one person in my life who seemed trustworthy, and emailed them and asked if we could get together and talk. it's a lot easier for me to be more honest in that kind of a situation.

i really hope that you keep pushing to see your t. i liked what jo said about writing things down; since i tend to go blank sometimes in person, that kind of thing has helped me, too.

i'm wishing you all the best. hang in there.

dragonfly

I think previous replies basically say it all so I'm sending you a hug with the hope you're feeling better...and as for......

I felt like I didn't deserve to get better or feel normal. I felt like I don't deserve the friends I have now and that they all hate me because I haven't been happy for a few days

You so do deserve to get better and have friends and I'm pretty sure no-one hates you.

Take care,

Karen