KCat's Postmortem

[kcat]

I AM GOING TO POST HERE ABOUT LAST SATURDAY, THE NIGHT I WENT TO THE ER FOR STITCHES. THIS MIGHT BE A LITTLE GRAPHIC IN DESCRPTION OF BLOOD, BUT NOT IN METHOD. SO THIS IS A TRIGGER WARNING. BE SAFE.

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
YES, THIS WAS LAST SATURDAY. I HAD TO GO TO THE ER.


what had happened just before?
I WAS GETTING WORKED UP ABOUT HOW MY THERAPIST *DITCHED* ME BY NOT TELLING ME SHE WAS QUITTING HER PRACTICE & HOW MY PDOC HAD TO TELL ME, AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW MY FORMER THERAPIST ABANDONED ME BY GIVING ME THAT ULTIMATUM THAT IF I DIDN'T STOP SI COMPLETELY, SHE'D NEVER SEE ME AGAIN, AND I COULDN'T STOP, SO SHE CUT ME OFF AND NEVER SPOKE TO ME AGAIN--NO CLOSURE, NO GOODBYE, NO REFERRAL, I WAS OUT ON MY ASS. I FELT LIKE THIS WAS THE SAME, I FELT LIKE NO ONE WANTS TO TREAT ME, LIKE I AM UNWORTHY OF HELP, UNSAVEABLE, WORTHLESS. I WAS VERY AGITATED AND RESTLESS AND FELT PANICKY AND FELT THE FAMILIAR "NOISE" INSIDE THAT I FEEL OFTEN BEFORE I SI. I FELT A VERY STRONG FEELING THAT I WANTED TO SI ON MY ARM, WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE I HAD COMPLETELY STOPPED SI-ING ON MY ARM, I HAD STARTED ONLY DOING IT ON MY LEGS--AND I ALREADY *KNEW* I WANTED TO DO IT REALLY REALLY BAD. (MEANING CUT SEVERELY)


what were you thinking and feeling?

I WAS THINKING IT WASN'T WORTH IT TO TRY ANYMORE AND I SHOULD JUST GIVE IN. I WAS THINKING I HAVE NO SUPPORT NETWORK AND THAT I WOULD NOT FEEL BETTER UNLESS I DID IT. I WAS FEELING THE NOISE INSIDE.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?

I ALWAYS SI IN THE EVENING/NIGHT WITH ALMOST NO EXCEPTIONS. THE TENSION HAD BEEN BUIDLING SINCE THE DAY BEFORE WHEN I HEARD ABOUT MY THERAPIST LEAVING.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.

THE NOISE AND TENSION JUST BUILT AND BUILT UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE TO STOP. AND I ACTUALLY DISSOCIATED THIS TIME DURING THE ACT OF CUTTING UNTIL I SAW THE BLOOD EVERYWHERE-ON THE FLOOR, THE COUCH, MY CLOTHES, THE SINK, EVERYWHERE. THEN I WAS PRESENT AND I KEPT PRESSING THE BLADE DEEPER INTO THE CUT. I WAS AWARE FOR THAT PART. I GUESS ONCE I BECAME PRESENT AGAIN I COULD HAVE TERMINATED THE ACT, AND THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED MEDICAL ATTENTION--I COULD HAVE ATTENDED TO IT MYSLEF. AND GOING BACK FURTHER TO BEFORE THE ACT, AS I WAS GETTING MORE AND MORE UPSET, I COULD HAVE TRIED TO REACH OUT TO PEOPLE TO TRY AND FEEL I HAD SUPPORT FROM SOMEONE OTHER THAN A THERAPIST--<a href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp ... y%20family" onmouseover="window.status='MY FAMILY'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">MY FAMILY</a>, A FRIEND...ALTHOUGH I DID TRY THIS, SO I DON'T KNOW...I COULD HAVE CALLED A HOTLINE AT THE PLACE I HAVE MY GROUP THERAPY...I COULD HAVE LOOKED AT MY RECOVERY BOOK...MAYBE TRIED TO WRITE MY THERAPIST A LETTER ABOUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT WHAT SHE DID...I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE THE WHOLE EVENT THAT TRIGGERED ME WAS OUT OF MY CONTROL. I REALIZE THAT CUTTING IS IN MY CONTROL, BUT TRIGGERS ARE NOT IN MY CONTROL, SO I DON'T REALLY THINK I CAN CHANGE A TRIGGER.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

I HAVEN'T BEEN FEELING WELL DUE TO ILLNESS LATELY--EXTREME FATIGUE AND HEADACHES AND GENERAL FEELING LIKE CRAP--THIS PROBABLY DIDN'T HELP. I AM GETTING MEDICAL ATTENTION FOR THIS.


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did
they work?

I TRIED CALLING SOME FRIENDS AND MY MOTHER, I TRIED WRITING ABOUT THIS IN MY JOURNAL, I TRIED TO DISTRACT W/ READING A BOOK, EARLIER IN THE DAY I SPENT SOME TIME WITH MY MOM DOING SOME ERRANDS, AND I SPENT A GREAT DEAL OF TIME TALKING MYSELF OUT OF CUTTING. I JUST WORE MYSLEF DOWN AFTER SEVERAL HOURS. I AM FAIRLY STRONG WHEN IT COMES TO DISTRACTING MYSELF, THANKS TO DBT, BUT I CAN ONLY DO IT FOR SO LONG.


in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

I COULD HAVE CALLED THE HOTLINE, WHICH I AVOID MAINLY BECAUSE I USED TO WORK ON A HOTLINE AND IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A TOTAL MORON TO CALL A HOTLINE WHEN I USED TO BE A HOTLINE. I GUESS I FEEL TOO GOOD TO CALL A HOTLINE, AND I KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THAT SOUNDS, BUT ITS TRUE AND I'M BEING HONEST HERE. BUT IF I DON'T HAVE A THERAPIST, AND ALREADY EXHAUSTED MY FRIENDS, WHAT OPTION DO I HAVE?


name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

I NEED TO MAKE MYSELF A NEW "SAFETY PLAN". I USED TO HAVE ONE BUT ITS OUTDATED. I MADE IT WHEN I WAS IN PARTIAL HOSPITAL PROGRAM. IT IS NICE TO HAVE WHEN YOU ARE IN CRISIS AND CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT--IT HAS PEOPLE'S <a href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp ... %20numbers" onmouseover="window.status='PHONE NUMBERS'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">PHONE NUMBERS</a> ON IT, TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU NEED HELP *NOW*. AND I NEED TO GET OVER MYSELF AND CALL THE FUCKING HOTLINE.


how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

I AM WORKING ON GETTING A NEW T. IT ISN'T HAPPENING FAST ENOUGH, BUT I'M TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. I STILL FEEL HURT AND RAW AND LIKE THE SITUATION IS TRIGGERING AND UNRESOLVED AND LIKE IT REOPNED OLD WOUNDS (LITERALLY). IT WILL JUST TAKE TIME I THINK. THE SITUATION FUCKING SUCKS, THATS WHAT I THINK OF IT. I WILL TRY TO BE STRONG. THATS ALL I CAN PROMISE RIGHT NOW.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

I WILL LOOK OUT FOR THE NOISE INSIDE OF ME, AND TRY TO SEE IT EARLIER SO I CAN START TO DIFFUSE IT BEFORE IT GETS OUT OF CONTROL. I WILL WITHOUT A DOUBT BE IN THAT PLACE AGAIN. I'VE BEEN IN THAT PLACE THROUGHOUT MY ENTIRE LIFE.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

THE THINGS I SAID ABOVE. SAFETY PLAN, HOTLINE, GETTING AWAY FROM THE PLACE I'M AT.

[amethyst]

K,

I read and just wanted to say that I am sorry that you had such a stressor this past week. It's good that you have been able to sit down and write out some of what was going on. I hope it helped at least a little.

In reading what you wrote the thing that kept popping out at me was that you kept saying that something made you feel a certain way. (i.e. worthlkess, not deserving of help, unsavable.) I was wondering if, when you have some distance from the immediate emergency of the situation/feelings you are able to combat those feelings. I could tell you that, as someone who has a lot of respect for you, I do not agree with any of them, but the more important question is do you believe them? If not, then is there a way that in the emergency you can try to remove the value statement that you feel someone else is placing upon you from your appraisal of yourself? THe fact that you have taken the time to write all of this out and tried to explore it makes a pretty clear statement that you believe that you are able to be safer in the future-- that you are worthy of help and that there is hope for your recovering. I guess I just wonder if there is a way for you to try to remember that in the immediateness of an overwhelming feeling.

It's really good that you have the ability tokeep yourself safe for quite a while and distract yourslef. One of the things I tend to do is to keep myself away from home. THat wouldn't work as well if I was hurting myself only at night, though. Are there activities that you can do at night to help keep yourself safer? (maybe even going to sleep eairly, which is one of the things I do when I'm really not okay-- take a sleeping pill and knock myself out-- not the best plan, but it manages to keep me safe.) Or, maybe, during the day, when you are not likely to hurt yourself, hide or throw away that which you would use to hurt yourself with? (also something I tend to do whan I feel that hurting myself is an imminent threat.)

((((((((((K))))))))))

I hope that redoing your emergency plan goes well.

take gentle care of yourself,
amanda

[kcat]

Thank you, Amanda.
Yes, I realize that people cannot "make" me feel anything. I feel what I feel and make these judgements about myself based on what these people have said or done to me. Someone hurts me--->I tell myself I don't deserve any help or that I am defective somehow--->I start to feel worthless---->that brings on feelings deeper inside of fear and loneliness and memories those feelings connect to of past experinces (former therapist)----->leads to more feelings of despair----->so on.....its like an avalanche.

I often "put myself to sleep" to avoid SI. I use sleep as a HUGE avoidance tool. I also tend to abuse my pain meds as a means to that end, which is a problem of its own...we won't go into that right now.

I have thrown out the tools before, but I have on many occasions drove out in the middle of the night and bought new ones without batting an eye...so that one hasn't worked for me in the past. Also, if you want to SI you will SI...I can improvise if I really need to...when IP once I managed to SI with a toothpaste tube. Don't ask.

I will work on that plan...there are definite things that DO work for me, I'm not just making excuses. I know things that do work, and I promise I will do them.