bus

*scarification and graphic si*












have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
They're fine.

what had happened just before?
Nothing in particular. I was just wanting to work on my scarification, and I got a bit out of control.

what were you thinking and feeling?
I don't recall thinking or feeling anything. I felt the scalpel, and it hurt, but it wasn't enough to make me stop.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
I was working on my scarification piece (an asthetically based scar, not an emotionally based one) on my stomach, and I wanted to see more blood. So I moved and cut on my breast. It's probably a latent aggression to them, because I want them gone now, not in April.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I had been thinking about expanding my scarification, and I finally decided to do it. After feeling the scalpel and seeing the blood, I just couldn't stop. I had to do more, but anymore wouldn't have fit into my design, so I moved somewhere else.

were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Not that I think of. My sleep cycle's been a bit out of whack, but I got a good night's sleep last night.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I didn't try any, so they worked like woah.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Just telling myself "No," or making my tools harder to get to.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Look up to my ceiling and see all my happy pictures and postcards from iam.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I don't know if the things that have been bothering me are resolved, but this slip reminded me that I had been SI-free for about 6 months, and I need to keep up with my other coping skills.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I probably will be. School's stressin, work's stressin, and I got stood up last night. The combination of stressors is familar, and I notice it when this little shooting pain happens when I close my eyes.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
-Put any tools nearby away
-Call Danielle
-Read a good book

maybe working on your scarfication isn't the safest thing for you atm??
Or if you want to keep working on it have a friend around? Maybe you can plan your body mod more carefully to avoid slip ups?

wow you've gone 6 months that's fantastic good work

i hear that you know other ways to cope
take care

i can see how scarification could be potentially be rather triggery for someone who'd struggled with si issues. i'm wondering if there is any way of putting safeguards around this kind of thing, so that you didn't do it when you might be vulnerable to slipping into si? (i noticed you'd mentioned making your tools less accessible, which sounds like a good idea. maybe you could even have someone else keep them whom you could be kind of accountable to in terms of why you were using them?) also, as angela asked, is there any way for you not to be alone when you're doing this?

it sounds like you've got lots of different stresses to deal with. have you ever thought more specifically about how si helps you cope with being stressed? for example, does it calm you down, distract you, etc.? sometimes when i can figure out what emotional state i'm trying to get to with si, i can think of other ways to get there.

that's cool about the six months! it sounds to me like you've already built up quite a bit of practice when it comes to alternative coping methods.

take care.

dragonfly