bus

i dont really know why im posting this, maybe just to work a few things out in my mind.
ok tonight ive been feeling like cutting myself more that usual.
things have been really hard for me at the moment, and ive hurt people with my actions.
i keep picturing my arm all cut up in my head and i feel that in a way i deserve to be punished.
i dunno but i find fresh cuts sorta attractive when they are on me, and i like to look at the and play with the blood etc.
ok i figure i might have a go at answering those questions that the top of the board...

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Q. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
A. i wont want to SI anymore tonight.

Q. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
A. it will bring me comfort, pride in how deep the wounds are (is they are deep), release.

Q. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
A. i dunno, i feel this way a lot.

Q. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
A. probably till i go to sleep, although i might get some good emotions from looking (admiring) my cuts in the moring/till the cut heals.

Q. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
A. if i can do something to occupy my mind and get these thaughts out of my head (like self hate, seeing cuts etc.) i might be able to hold out untill the feeling passes. im not shure what i want to occupy my mind with though.

Q. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
A. i will feel better and in a way worse tomorrow if i cut. i'll love my cuts and admire the damage i did to myself. but i'll also feel shame for doing it.
if i dont cut it'll be just another shitty day at school really.

Q. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
A. i want to cut. i cant think.

ok im out.

peace

Hey
I think your post was very honest.
How could you try to see the damage you want to do, without actually doing it?

Like limestone said,

I keep a bottle of red finger paint in my emergency box. When I'm really urgey and feel like I just have to play with blood I take it out and spread it around where I want to self-injure.

I usually do this in the shower, simply for easy clean-up, and watching the red paint run down the drain can be very cathartic.

You could also trace your arm onto a piece of white paper and then draw what you want to do on that.

I'm sorry you want to harm yourself. You mentioned self-hate as one reason, maybe that you don't like school? Aside from the physical 'seeing cuts' aspect, why you you want to hurt yourself badly right now? What do you want release from?

JoAnna

i think i can relate to what you're saying about liking the visual aspect of hurting yourself. i know that kind of thing has a lot of emotional power for me as well.

you mentioned the positive emotions you get from seeing the cuts (pride, comfort, etc.) do you know why si is linked with those kinds of emotions for you? in other words, what is it about having cuts that makes you feel proud and comforted? (sometimes if i can figure that out, it helps me in thinking about other ways of getting what i'm looking for.)

i hope you're doing okay.

dragonfly

im doing ok now.
and i didnt cut.
i just did something and forgot about it lol
thanks for the replies.
i might post more on this but im too tired now.

peace