bus

1. Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

There is nothing specifically wrong, but there rarely is anymore. I'm just urgy. I'm 5 days out from my last SI and the cuts were getting itchy. I was looking at them and picking off the loose scap and that is what triggered me. It seems that when they are about healed that I start triggering. I'm pretty okay until then. Just thinking about it increased my heart rate and respirations.

2. Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I was here last week and other times before that. I cut to deal with it. I felt good initially and bad later.

3. What have I done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

This one is a toughy. I got on the BUS to try to get some help. I guess just keeping distracted as much as possible. But it frequently tends to keep getting worse, until I just do it to get rid of the antsy feeling.

4. How do I feel right now?

I'm doing a bit better at the moment. Being in my head helps.

5. How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Excited, good.

6. How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I'll probably feel relaxed and real good for several hours. Tomorrow morning I'll feel regretful and guilty for letting some people down who are praying for me and for not making it to get my one week token.

7. Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

No particular stressor to deal with except a healing cut. Maybe it will be better when the cut is all healed and faded -- maybe it will be worse. I don't know. I'm trying to work the steps, but don't have a meeting I can get to or a sponsor who knows the ropes. Kind of muddling through on my own. I know that prayer helps. Maybe I need to add Bible study. I got rid of what I cut with today earlier. I don't know what else would help make it better and would welcome suggestions.

8. Do I need to hurt myself?

Not right at the moment. I'm worried about the next several days.

Wendy

First off, I think it's great that you got rid of your tool. That's a really big step.

The insidious thing about healing cuts making you triggery, is that the best thing you can do to avoid the trigger is to not cut again (which creates more wounds...etc). But that answer is so frustratingly circular...

You mentioned increased heart rate & feeling antsy- what can you do to either calm you down or let you work out those feelings?

You say you pray, have you tried meditation? Or is there some form of exercise or movement that would tire you out or help you get rid of that antsy feeling?

JoAnna

Maybe it'd be useful to think about the morning. Cutting makes me feel better but worse in the morning. When I avoid it but am really urgy, I wake up feeling better (particularly glad I didn't SI).

Hope all is well,

Denny

I'm 5 days out from my last SI and the cuts were getting itchy. I was looking at them and picking off the loose scap and that is what triggered me. It seems that when they are about healed that I start triggering. I'm pretty okay until then. Just thinking about it increased my heart rate and respirations.

reading this, i was wondering whether you were getting triggered because you were looking at old cuts and thus thinking about the subject, or more because of the fact that they were healing, which would mean you wouldn't have newer cuts anymore . . . does that question even make sense?

i detest that feeling of edginess. the most helpful thing for me is usually to have a good cry, but a lot of the time i don't seem to be able to do that. i also sometimes jump around (literally!) or rant at people (even getting worked up about something unrelated to my problems can help, as long as the person knows i'm just blowing off steam and listens supportively).

is there any music that you find soothing that could help you calm down?

hang in there!

dragonfly

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I didn't cut last night and seem better this morning. Dragonfly, it's about not having newer cuts I think. Also I get kind of a rush when I cut, so I think looking at the cuts reminds me of that and sometimes has a physiological response. Exercise does seem to help too.

Wendy