bus

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I'm really anxious and feel like my heart is going to leap out of my chest because my boyfriend is off at some club he's just joined at college and the meeting started at 6:15pm; it's 8:34pm right now and he still hasn't called me to let me know it's over. I don't believe that a first-time horticulture club meeting where they are giving an intro and collecting names takes this long and I want to know what the hell else he is doing. I feel like I want to SI to calm down.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes, this has happened before when he's gone and done things. I dealt with it by either SIing or getting drunk, and I felt bad about it.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I took a nap but can't sleep any more. I can maybe try to watch TV or play with the cat.

How do I feel right now?

Like puking. I'm shaky and scared and very very anxious.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

I will feel calm and detatched.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I'll feel bad because I'll be one year SI free at the end of the month and if I SI I won't be able to ask for my celebration cake.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

Not unless I forbid him from going anywhere or doing anything with these new "friends" of his (I've only met one and he was kind of a loser). In the future I might have a better idea of how long these meetings will go.

Do I need to hurt myself?

I don't know yet. If he calls soon, probably no. If he doesn't, I don't know.

feeling anxious while waiting for someone is tough.

do you know what it is about this kind of situation that provokes such anxiety for you? this isn't meant at all to jump to any conclusions about what's going on with you, but i'm thinking of how i've reacted in what might be similar situations— i know it can be unsettling simply not to know what someone is doing. or i've worried that the person is doing something that could end up hurting me. or i've felt excluded. or i've felt neglected and hurt because it's seemed like they were investing more time in other people than in our relationship. (just some thoughts; take them for what they're worth.)

i hope things worked out okay tonight.

dragonfly

I did not hurt myself. I cried, hyperventilated to the point that my chest felt funny and I was all dizzy, and was generally a wreck, but I didn't SI.

He finally came over at 10:15pm (!), saying that he did not call because he didn't know how to work my cell phone (:roll: because it's not like a college has 10,000 payphones or anything), and that the meeting had ended around 9:30pm and he had driven another girl home. He stunk like alcohol, even though he says he only had 3-3.5 drinks, which isn't enough to get him drunk or tipsy over the amount of time they were consumed. I am still not happy about this: why was driving that girl home more important than doing what he had promised to do for me, his girlfriend (which was call). Why is this club that he said was a way to learn more about his field/career nothing more than a group of people sitting around drinking in a bar (yes, the actual club meeting took place in the back of a bar!)?

I am upset; I have a very hard time with these kinds of situations and I feel he has been very inconsiderate (driving another girl home when he was supposed to be coming over to spend time with me? This girl apparently has had her own boyfriend for 5 years, she can call HIM next time for a ride, goddamn it!), and has mislead me about the nature of what he's joining......granted, he didn't know this "club" would be nothing more than sitting around drinking, but he made the choice to do the actions anyway so even if he didn't know before, he does now and accepted it. And even if he wasn't drunk, he'd still been drinking before driving and he stunk so bad that if a cop pulled him over, he'd get nailed (and THEN who would he be crawling to for help, hmm?).

He has a "study group" with this same group of people tomorrow night. I asked him to not go because I think he kinda owes me for being as inconsiderate as he was and I know that both physically and mentally I am not going to be in a calm and "ready" state to deal with more new and scary things by tomorrow. He wanted to go and, yet again, drink afterwards. We have reached a compromise; he will not be drinking (he's been doing so a little too much lately, like with his lunch, and it worries me) and he will be at my place by 9:00pm to spend the time with me that he was supposed to be spending with me tonight that he instead spent drinking and driving strange girls across the city .

I am still not happy but will try to be flexible and "let" him do these things......the thing that bothers me the most is the drinking. He's doing it a little too often lately and he's got that kind of personality where if he doesn't get a hold on it he'll have a serious problem on his hands. If he keeps it up, maybe I'll have to talk to his aunt for advice. He listens to her and what he sees as nagging from me might hit home if someone like that tells him.

silverdragonfly: I think you've nailed it. I'm "unofficially" BPD and I'm absolutely terrified that he's going to hurt me with his actions. He's done so before in these kind of situations, which is why I'm in a panic.

Luftballoons wrote:I did not hurt myself.

Proud of you that you did not si, the way you were feeling, it is quite an achievement not to allow yourself to get pushed over the edge.

Luftballoons wrote:if he doesn't get a hold on it he'll have a serious problem on his hands. If he keeps it up, maybe I'll have to talk to his aunt for advice. He listens to her and what he sees as nagging from me might hit home if someone like that tells him.

you may need to speak to his aunt, (a) his actions are causing you worry, pain and anxiety but more importantly (b) he could injure himself or others. and approaching his aunt might be best, you are doing it through a 3rd party where the blame is removed from you for telling. (if you understand what i am getting at) and i know that your motives are not to hurt him but to save him from a potentially dangerous situation. he may get hurt by being told this, but those are the feelings he will have chosen and have to deal with. and (c) you are trying to get him to be responsible. responsibility of our own actions especially where some-one elses life may be in danger is important and though it is not your place to teach him that (he should know it by now) thats what friends are for, to sometimes give us a shove in the right direction when we stray (and especially those that we love and love us)

anyway that is my 10cents worth, if it helps. and i hope that he keeps his promise and spends some time with you. and remember we are all here for you. and i sincerely hope you make your si free year, that is quite an achievment.