bus

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

Yes. Taking care of my wounds is an integral part of my SI, and perhaps the goal of it.

what had happened just before?

A blister on my heel was bleeding, and I was taking care of the mess

what were you thinking and feeling?

I was thinking about how good it felt to take care of this "problem" on my heel, how it felt like love, love that I needed really badly right then. Caring for the wound made me feel like someone was taking care of me and I wanted to make more wounds so I could take care of them.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?

I don't know why I did it then--I guess I was just feeling very alone and like I had exhausted all my options for reaching out to others. And I felt like what I needed had to come from within, and this is the only way I know how.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.

I had just gotten back from a blind date that went badly. I was alone in my dark apartment, except for the cat. I called Adrienne and left a message, then I called E and left a message, and I knew neither of them would call me back tonight. I felt a very overwhelming need for love and comfort, and I knew it had to come from me. I sat curled up in a ball on my chair looking out the window across the street at my neighbors' apartment. I knew they wouldn't ever have to feel the way I felt, because they had each other and could sustain one another. I started to pick at a blister on my heel absent-mindedly. It began to bleed, and I had to go off and clean it up and cover it. Then I knew what I had to do. If I had not picked at the blister, maybe I wouldn't have cut. Picking is a nervous habit of mine and I do it without realizing it, but maybe I need to be more aware, as blood and accidental wounds often trigger me to make deliberate ones.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

I probably wouldn't have done it if I weren't trying to get off Abilify (antipsychotic) right now. I really don't like the side-effects and so I'm trying to work through this behavior in therapy and try to stop on my own. I know I can do it, because I beat panic disorder this way years ago. It's hard, though. I guess I just need to work harder.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

I tried calling two people (see above), but they were not there. I tried curling up in a ball and hugging myself. Tried going to sleep. Tried thinking about other things. They were working at "slowing down" the urge--delaying the point at which I would give in.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

I could have tried calling my parents and telling them how I felt. I didn't because I was afraid they'd tell me to go back on my antipsychotics, and I didn't want to talk about my feelings for E with them because that's private stuff. In retrospect, however, I know that they support my decision to go off them and would have tried to help as best they could.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

I will keep a list of people to call by my phone, and will make sure my parents are on it. I will also look at the clock before I SI--if it is too late to call my parents for help, I will STOP because it is probably time for me to try and get some sleep.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

No, I still want to do it. I am not sleepy, and it is too late to call my parents. I need it tonight. Someone on BUS has helped me go over ways I can minimize the damages tonight if I need to give in, and I will concentrate on staying within those parameters and hopefully having to consider guidelines will prevent me from SI-ing in the first place.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

I am going to be in this place until I figure out how to make up for the self-love and care and comfort that is missing in my life. I know when it gets really bad because I curl up into a ball and sob softly without being able to cry.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

*Consider the guidelines and decide if I am capable of SI-ing within those (i.e., am I sober, do I have the proper first aid materials to cope with the damage at home, etc.). If not, I must not SI.

*If I can SI within those guidelines, I must look to the list by my phone and try calling those people if possible.

*If it is too late to call those people, I must try to sleep.

*If I can't sleep, I must come to this forum and complete a "before" thread.



I did the best I could. Tonight may be a wash, but hopefully other nights will not.


Leelee

Doing your best is all that anyone can hope for
Even you.

Self love is a very important thing especially if you don't feel you are getting the love you need elsewhere.
Are there other ways you can show yourself love besides caring for wounds?

I can soooo relate to the picking thing
I do the same thing

Hang in there
I am thinking of you
And sending you a pm

Sweetie,
You can always call me--no matter what time it is. Maybe we can make a deal--if you can call me, I can call you.

I love you

Love you too, KCat...you can call me if I can call you. We'll get through this together.

Thanks for the support, JO...