bus

Well still fighting a fairly major SI urge, it doesn't seem to want to let loose. I'm working hard on trying to make it through until my T appointment on Tuesday morn which means I just have to get through tonight, tomorrow and then the first little bit of Tuesday, I have the first appointment in the morning. I'm trying to convince myself to wait until I talk with him...and then if the urge is still there go with that coping mechanism if that's what I truly decide I still want to do. Basically just a bunch of same ideas running through my head...I want to SI b/c I feel so much internal pain about what happened that I want the people who said things that led to those feelings see the external. At the same time I don't want to let them know that what's happened has managed to hurt me, to knock me back...I don't want to look at a scar and say to myself this is where I gave into what other people thought...and I wouldn't be telling the people what happened, or even letting the injury show anyhow so doesn't make much sense.
But I've made it through Thursday, I've made it through Friday, I've made it through Saturday, made it through Sunday so far (just two more hours)...all based around one major trigger event towards this urge...just have to finish through today and tomorrow...but sometimes it would be so much easier to just give in. Anyhow, going to keep on struggling against this one...see the T on Tuesday morning...it's not as far away now as it was on Thursday.

Okay, I'm really tired right now, so I hope this makes sense.

First off- I think it is amazing for making it 3 (almost 4) days already. That's really amazing. It's easy to think about how much time you have left, but humor me, and take a break for a minute to be proud of yourself for coming this far?

Now, I don't know the specifics of what triggered you, but I gather it has something to do with someone saying hurtful things? I don't know what to say about that. I will tell you this, that if you want to know how other people think of you, this is what I thought: when I read your post the first thing that jumped out at me was how strong you have been to not have given in to an urge for so long. I was both impressed and proud(if that makes sense) that you had done that and made the choice to see your T before you gave into the urge to SI. I really was.

So with that, I'm off to bed, because I really am quite tired.

JoAnna

That's what my T does too...tries to get me to look at how far I've come with things, or with looking at how long I went before I SI'd. Logically I know it's something to be proud of...emotionally I still keep on feeling like I need to do lots more but that really ends up being a different topic all together. Thank you for taking the time to write, and letting me know your thoughts on it. Still fighting this particular urge...this last day to get through then I go to see my T tomorrow morning. 23.5 more hours to go until I make a decision beyond waiting....but seeing as I made it 90.5 hours (includes sleep time but what the hey) without giving into the urge, sticking with what I have set for myself...yep, guess that maybe this is something to take a moment to be proud of. Going to sign off before I manage to go past that moment and back into counting how much longer I need to make it though and how much more I want to get done.... guess that lets me know how long a moment lasts. Later 'gators running on little sleep, so kinda strange right now, apologies