bus

hi, sorry to post here again, i haven't been good about replying to other's posts in this forum, but i'm going to post again, mainly because i found it so helpful last time. sorry, so sorry.

Kharre's questions:

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

i feel i need to hurt myself because, i don't know. i feel strong emotional pain and the situation that seems to have caused this in me seems intransigent. the situation is my best friend going to america and then straight onto university - its made me realise i'm losing my main source of support, one of my greatest loves and also i'm about to go to university myself. on top of that i'm very tired from lack of sleep and lots of training, from returning to counselling after my t's summer holiday. all of this together makes me very scared of what is coming and of what i am. the good old self hatred has returend, that element of me that makes me hate every bit of myself, from my sexuality to my little toenail (it is ugly, it really is). tonight everything is particularly exacerbated by the fact i am babysitting which always makes everything worse because i'm alone in a house and i tend to binge slightly on the food thats around and its lonely and there is no control. furthermore, i texted the last person left in london i can ask for help and they are probably out at some party enjoying themself - anyway, no reply.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

erm. i have been here before, in various forms. i've dealt with it by cutting and by curling up in a ball or similar and going to ground while i sit it through. cutting i feel released, waiting it through i feel emotionally drained afterwards. just little things like this are upsetting me, like this morning someone hadn't replied in my place and i got stupidly upset over that. pathetic really.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

nutella, straight from the jar. which is hurting me indirectly because i can't binge because i want to be a lightweight in my sport, and because it makes me feel guilty. i've just been reminding myself i can't cut because if i do then i will start university as a self injurer, and i don't want to be cutting in oxford. but that isn't eaing the discomfort, its just pressuring me not to do anything.

How do I feel right now?

overwhelmed. exhausted. sad. scared. out of control (i'm having to hold back tears, i hate crying and i can't cry when i'm babysitting) and i can't incase someone catches me at home. confused. lonely. alone.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

released. i want to cut to let what i feel out, by opening my skin i can see the feelings go as the pain replaces them.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

not sure. sometimes it hasn't worked and i've felt just as bad. maybe i will feel calmer and not tearful and in control and able to cope without my friend. tomorrow morning i may feel guilty or i may just look on it as something i had to do, and avoid thinking about it

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

by turning down a place at oxford university and flying out to LA with my friend. it ain't gonna happen. i don't know how i could deal with it in the future, probably have more friends and have a less screwed up relationship with this boy (he's my ex as well as my best friend, we are fairly in love but as friends, but deeper than that, but not in a relatinship)

Do I need to hurt myself?

no, but i don't know if i can stop myself from doing it



deb's questions

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

the situation won't change. however, i will feel as if i can cope with it

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

hurting myself will bring betrayal of my friend into the situation and will add to complications of how i cope with regular university stress when i get there. it will take from it my feeling of being out of control, of not having a way to cope.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

i want to be content, i want to react proportionately to things, i want to work out my relationship wiht my friend. frankly i think if i hurt myself it won't make a bit of difference either way.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

till tomorrow night probably. then i may hurt myself again, because its always easier the second time (i have slipped 3 times since march, last time at the end of july). and then i might get caught back in the cycle i really don't want to be in. i can't face univeristy and quitting si again.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

lots of things, i can stay on bus, i can't hurt myself anyway till i go home, when i go home i can go to bed. going to bed will help situaiton because of exhaustion. but only a little, i'll only get about 5 hours tonight and then will train at least twice tomorrow. other than that i can listen to music which won't change anything but will at least make me feel more protected. that will last the length of the song.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

. see above for the first bit. tomorrow i will feel the same as i do now if i do the other.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

right now i really want to be free of these feelings. i can best honour self preservation instincts by not cutting. but that doesn't feel like self preservation, taht feels like subjecting myself to these feelings, letting them rule. but then cutting subjects myself to the cycle. so its a lose-lose scenario.





sorry for posting this. thanks for reading.


xxxxx

Hey, you don't need to feel sorry about posting here

Really, you did a fantastic job answering both sets of questions.

*for the record, even though I know that this wasn't really what you are upset about, I usually read your place (even though I know I don't reply all the time) and I've been gone the past two days. So at least with me, it was nothing personal.*

It sounds like you have a lot of stress going on in your life, and I don't have any solutions. Having your friend move away, university starting. I don't know what to say, but I wanted you to know I'm listening.

JoAnna