bus

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Because a lot of fairly small stressors that I could probably have coped with individually have all landed on me at once. Financial stuff, and work issues, and residual feelings about the abortion, and things with Michal's work, etc etc etc. Last straw was that an ex housemate of mine just emailed a bunch of us with pictures attached, and one of them was me a couple of years ago, just after our exams had finished at uni... and it made me feel bad, because I remember how I felt that day and it was not good.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Well, not exactly. I've never had a blast from the past type jolt like that. Amd I've never dealt with abortion after effects before. But that was just the last in a long line of things. Last time I felt really urgy was to do with money stuff and not being good at handling it, and I got some good advice and pointers and managed to sit the urge out. I felt OK because of that. But it's not like one problem is the focus today, I just feel generally crappy and I want to cut myself.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Screamed at someone in Human Resources and told my supervisor to 'fuck it, do what you like because I don't care'. And come on here. What else can I do? Um, get my head fixed so that I don't want to turn to SI when I feel bad, I guess. But in the short term, honestly, the only other option I can think of is drinking.


How do I feel right now?
Really, really tired and unfocused and nervous and desperate to do SOMETHING.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
In control.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
In control, in control. Ok maybe that's not so true. I don't know. Probably disgusted with myself, but maybe it's worth it.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I don't know. It's not a particular stressor, it's my pathetic and screwy inability to just accept that there are problems and not want to cut to help myself through them. and the way I can't get the right words out to ask for help IRL. I'm scared they'll all think I'm mad again.

Do I need to hurt myself?
(That's a bastard question, if you don't mind me saying.)
No, I guess not.
But I want to.
I really, really want to. The picture Vi sent, I'm wearing a long sleeve blue shirt, and underneath my arms are a mess. I want to replicate that before I sleep tonight. I can't really assess why, but I want to. I want to cut myself. I don't need a reason. I just want to.

I'm going home now, I'll be back tomorrow.

It is a bastard question isn't it?
I have a notebook that I answer kharre's questions in. One of the times when I really wanted to self-injure and I got to that question I just flat threw the book across the room. Of course, then I felt pretty silly because I just had to go over and pick it up- and really, why on earth was I taking my agressions out on a notebook? But it is a valuable question, annoying though it is.

Okay, so that question aside. I happen to be triggered by past emotions a lot. I've basically coped by ridding my living space of anything related to my childhood, except for in a few things in well-marked places. I realize you couldn't have done that here. But if you are worried about it happening again, maybe you could think about something like that.

If you want to re-create the damage on your arms from before could red fingerpaint or a sharpie work?

I'm sorry, I don't really know what to say.

JoAnna

(edited because I typed "fingerpain" instead of "fingerpaint" and really, I just didn't think I should leave that typo in here )