*before*

[butterflydust]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? i think that i've realized i feel so numb and so dead, except when i'm SI-ing. also, my ED's getting worse and i don't know how to deal with that... so my SI is feeding off my ED and my ED's feeding off my SI.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? yes, i screamed, i jumped up and down, i cried. i felt miserable. i felt like the SI was some animal inside of me, and i was battling it, but i couldn't reach it deep down inside so all i could do was wave a sword around sixty miles away from the enemy. but i won... somehow, back then


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? tried talking to people... nobody listens. squeezing ice, screaming, jumping up and down... i don't know. i've gone through those lists... i still feel miserable.


How do I feel right now? out of control. scared. strung up tension horrible discomfort.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself? for a while, alive. then, miserable. self-hating. but alive for a while and okay for a while.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? i'll be mad at myself. i'll hate myself for doing it. i'll wish i was stronger than i am.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? i don't know. i don't know how to fix myself all on my own. i'm so alone. but maybe i can. maybe if i keep trying to get myself help.


Do I need to hurt myself? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. i don't need to. i WANT to, want to very badly, to feel alive, etc., to release the tension, pain, shame, hatred, etc., but i DON'T NEED TO!!!!!!!