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Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I feel I need to hurt myself because it will relax me, and make me feel like I got what I deserved. I feel like I should do it. I think I'm just having a bad time lately. I haven't felt that happy for the last few weeks really. I've just come back from holiday, which was really good, but it was still hard because I lost my grandma less than two weeks ago and I have to go to the funeral on Friday. Also, I'm panicking over the GCSE results that come out tomorrow. Feelings of being a failure and being a disappointment to myself and others have been bothering me for ages during these exams. I don't feel like I've worked for my grades, and I know I won't be happy with them. Basically, everything is on top of me at the moment.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I've kind of been here before. My grandad died last year around about the same time that I was going to sit a GCSE exam early. And I dealt with that by ODing (SI, not SU) and going to hospital, and not going to school for weeks and so on... I felt much the same then as I do now, except that at the moment I feel a lot like I've blown my chances at getting good grades. I know it isn't the be all and end all, and that realistically, Bs and Cs are ok - but they aren't for me. I feel I should be getting As and A*s, because I believe I would have got those had I continued to work like I used to. I became lazy, and I hate myself for that. I was just utterly miserable this time last year as well, and I honestly don't know how I got out of the hole.


What have I done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've posted in my place and chatted to people on MSN. I could read a book, watch TV, talk to my sister, go to bed... but I feel a bit 'what's the point?'ish.


How do I feel right now?
Unhappy. Pointless. Ugly. Worthless. Stupid. Lazy. Selfish. Annoying. Lethargic. Confused. Angry - very angry, but I don't feel like I can express it at all. Just really low. Directionless.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Better. I'll feel calm, like I'm making everything ok for a while, like I'm not just letting things fester, rather I'm doing something 'good'. I'll feel relief because it's something I can do that I have control over and need to do. I'll feel like I have the power to fulfil a need, like it's one thing I can do well. I will feel pain, and I want to feel the pain, to focus on it.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Afterwards, I will be glad and relieved because I know it really does help. Tomorrow morning I'll probably worry about having to go to work and making sure no one sees. Also, I'll worry because I'm expected to go swimming soon and I won't be able to. I won't really regret it, but I will wish there was an easier way, and be angry and disappointed in myself.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I really don't know, I just can't get the feeling of being a failure out of my head. I know I have a good brain, and I hate myself for wasting it. That's the main trigger, but like I said everything is getting to me right now. Obviously losing a grandparent isn't that common, but my grandma's death has sparked a lot of nasty questions about the whole meaning of life and everything and I just feel confused and insignificant. Stupid really.


Do I need to hurt myself?
Technically, no. But I want to, and part of me thinks that maybe I do need to cut in order to do particular things, like handle the results day and the funeral better.


What a pickle.

I was just utterly miserable this time last year as well, and I honestly don't know how I got out of the hole.

But you did get out of the hole
Can you remember anything that you did last year that may have helped?
People you talked to
Things you did
You recognize that you "could" have done better grade wise if you had worked harder but the way I see it you did exceptional considering how far down you were and pulled yourself up and made decent grades

Thanks jomomma. I got my results today - I was pleasantly surprised, though still not exactly happy. Even though I did better than I had anticipated, now I just feel like I can't be proud because I didn't work for them or 'earn' them. It seems I'm adamant that I'm a failure, and determined to make myself miserable.

I did get out of the hole last year. I began seeing my psychiatrist, and I saw a counsellor for about a year. Those were probably the key things that helped (more my counsellor than the psych, but I'm not seeing her anymore).

You recognize that you "could" have done better grade wise if you had worked harder but the way I see it you did exceptional considering how far down you were and pulled yourself up and made decent grades

That's what my mum said to me too. I think I can sometimes see that I've been strong, but I really don't view myself as having 'achieved' an awful lot. I see myself as weak and self-pitying.

I do feel a bit better today, but the urge hasn't really gone away. I didn't cut, mainly because of the potential awkwardness if I had. I wish I could say it was because I realised I'm worth more than that, but I don't really feel like that. I feel I may as well have SI'ed, because at least it would have made things a bit better for a while.

It's my grandma's funeral tomorrow and I'm worrying about that too. I guess I just have to take things a step at a time right now, until I'm over each hurdle.

Thank you again for replying.

-Amy.

I did get out of the hole last year. I began seeing my psychiatrist, and I saw a counsellor for about a year. Those were probably the key things that helped (more my counsellor than the psych, but I'm not seeing her anymore).

Maybe you should still be seeing her? If it helped before, then it will probably help now? It sounds like you got a bit better then have got worse again, especially with your grandma dying, so maybe you could see if you can have more sessions with your counsellor again?

I'm glad your grades weren't as bad as you thought. Hope the funeral went ok

Andi

Thanks Andi. You're probably right that I recovered quite a bit and have slipped back again. I can't see my counsellor as she left the job, and that's why our sessions ended. I'm actually seeing a new psych now, not the old crappy one, and she's pretty good - so I am getting some help. I could see another counsellor but to be honest I don't want to worry my family and I don't know if I could be bothered to go through the whole bonding process all over again because I need to build up a lot of trust before it starts to be beneficial. I guess I'm hoping this gloominess will soon pass.

The funeral went well, thank you. I am relieved about my results but at the same time, I'm still angry at myself for not trying hard. I could have got better; I should have got better. I got 1 C, 1 B, 5 As and 2A*s. I feel ungrateful for being disappointed in myself because I know a lot of people would be thankful for those grades. But I'm not because I know I could do better. It's silly really, but that still is a big trigger. Hopefully, however, I will motivate myself more when I go back for 6th form in a fortnight's time and prove to myself that I can get good grades that I am proud of in my A levels.

Still wanting to cut and feeling the urge at the back of my mind, but not wanting to make things worse than they are. Logically, I know it doesn't make sense to SI. It's so tempting though.

I can understand needing to bond ot make counseling beneficial
Maybe you can find friends that you can trust just to help you over the hurdle of the moment

You know what your grades were last term and you know what you are capable of
Maybe look at the grades you got an be grateful you made it through and maybe that will be the motivation you need to improve in the coming term

Thank you again jomma. I'm feeling quite a lot better now.