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Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Just sort of desperate, scared. I'm starting college on Monday. I'm scared about it. And excited, but I'm worried that I'll fail. And today has been stressful. My husbands job is being stupid. They make him work constantly and then they mess up his paycheck. So I might not even be able to afford books for college. I'm so angry at them. And I feel lonely. I want so badly to be somewhere...else. I've been struggling all day.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes. I've been doing good. For the past five months I've been doing good. But I don't know if I want to keep fighting right now. I know I should, but I don't know. I should probably go on the treadmill or something, but I feel like all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I feel like that's all I can do. I'm trying not to think about hurting myself but the temptation is there.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I've been writing. That's been going well. My husband has been trying to reach out to me, but I feel like I want to isolate myself at the same time that I am whimpering for help. I don't know. I guess I could talk to my husband about how I am feeling. Maybe that would help.

How do I feel right now?

Feeling discontent, desperate, lonely, angry...just sad.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Validated, like I'm okay now. Like it's all under control and it will be alright. Empty, which will feel good.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Better, for a little bit. Tomorrow I will feel terrible though.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I can't avoid the stressors because I have no power over them. I can probably try and stop letting it all get to me, but at the same time it would be really nice to give in. I don't know. I probably won't, but it's hard.

Do I need to hurt myself?

Do I *need* to...no. Do I *want* to...yes. Will I? I don't know. Probably not. And that makes me feel pretty trapped. But I can't give in because that would just be a failure on my part.

It sounds like you've got a lot of things out of your control right now...you've posted on main that you're pretty stressed out, and I can certainly see why.

But you also posted about things you possibly could control- you mentioned not exercising & your apartment being messy. Do you know why you stopped exercising? Was it because you were stressed, or did you stop and then become stressed? Sometimes changes in routine like that can add to stress levels. Same goes with a clean room. Getting up the motivation can be really hard, but sometimes you'll find that you feel much more in control.

But you aren't obligated to do those things. Not to sound like a textbook here, but try to avoid 'should' statements. All you should do is whatever you think will make you feel better. If that means curling up in a ball- then that's what is right for you.

Another thing you could try is writing down the situation and what can control v. have no control over.

Example:
Worry- That I will fail at college.
What I can't control- possible illness, teacher's moods
What I can control- how I study, whether I do my assignments, asking for help if I need it, showing up for class/tests...etc.

by the way- you haven't been doing well, you are doing well.

JoAnna

Hi, thanks

I'm doing better at this moment in time. I stopped exercising because I've had to travel to see in-laws/family a lot within the past few weeks. Actually, I think if I just worked out, I'd feel a lot better. It's difficult to get in the swing of things after the crazy week my husband and I have had. I've made a few goals for tomorrow though:

*Exercise
*Clean apartment
*Clean out car
*Write

If I do those four things, I will consider it a successful day. I have to remember to take it day by day, and not get so overwelmed when stuff does happen. Thanks for reading.



truly,


Michelle

Alot of the stressors you have are uncontrolable by you
I know that doesn't make it any easier though

Way to go at setting goals
One thing at a timeand celebrate each thing


Jo

It sounds like you're doing a great job.

I'm glad you feel better

JoAnna