bus

Ok, this is the first time I have posted here, perhaps I should have actually posted yesterday before I stuffed up, but its too late now and all I can do is reflect on what I did so I can learn from my mistakes.

Brief background given I don't post muct about myself anymore.
Up until about 2 months ago I had been self harm free for just over 11 months...then I slipped up....and before I knew it i had fallen back into old habits. Since then I have been self harming off and on, I'm not sure how many times I have done it - prefer not to count these things. The most frustrating part about this is that I still want to stop self harm, I don't want it in my life anymore. I was extremely disappointed when I lost the 11 months, and each time I have done it since I have become even more upset with myself. It's a never ending cycle of disgust, self hate, despair, disappointment and so many other things. I know I need to end the cycle, but right now I can barely motivate myself to get out of bed let alone process my emotions.


Anyways that was not exactly a brief background I will do my best to answer the questions now.

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

I didn't actually take care of them myself, unless you count stopping the bleeding long enough to get changed, but I did go to the doctor to get fixed up. I didn't particularly want to go but Claire pointed out to me that I had to take responsibility and look after my body
I do admit I didn't take care of the burns I did last night, but I don't think there is much I can do for them.

what had happened just before?

Well since it happened not long after I woke up, not much really happened before. I had slept through the alarm and was woken by Claire telling me to get up because we were late to class - given I hadn't gone to bed till after 5am (due to the bad night prior) I didn't feel like getting up. So I felt guilty that Claire was goign to be late because she had to walk to class and I felt guilty because I wasn't going to class (as it turns out class was cancelled ) I got out of bed about 10 minutes after Claire left, had a smoke, went to the computer to check out bus,lj,email, etc...and that's when I did it

what were you thinking and feeling?

I was thinking about a lot of things - about the class I thought I was missing, about my sick guinea pig, about uni in general, pretty much everything that is going on right now was running through my mind. What I was feeling is a bit harder to answer - I guess guilt is an obvious one. I always feel hate towards myself so I'm sure that was mixed in there. I was probably also just overwhelmed by everything going on - I had already given in the night before when I burnt myself, so I was upset/guilty about that. I don't think I was particularly angry, more frustrated at my inability to get my thoughts and feelings out in another way. I admit self harm isn't far from my thoughts at any time and when things are building it is always an option in my mind (even during the long period I was self harm free)...lately it has been closer to the front of my mind than the back - I'm not coping the best and in the short term self harm is getting me through.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?

I'm not sure if the final straw came last night (when I ended up burning myself) or this morning when I ended up cutting myself. Perhaps there was a final straw both times. Last night I was quite upset that one of my guinea pigs was very ill and we were most likely going to have him put down the next day, however I was having difficulty discussing this with Claire and ended up burrowing in bed because I couldn't tell her how I felt about it - that is probably when self harm came into my mind, though it wasn't till a few hours later that I got the chance. This morning the final straw was most likely the sleeping in and then choosing to miss class rather than drag myself out of bed.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

I hadn't self harmed in around 2 weeks, so things had probably been building in that time. Losing ability to trust people had probably been a major factor in the build up of emotions. I know I am having serious difficulties trusting when I start questioning Claire's motives and actions. This is something I have to work on, though I'm not sure how. It's difficult learning to trust again when your trust has been destroyed so many times. I think I had a lot of unexpressed anger over the recent events, I've never been very good with anger so that is another thing I need to work on. I think the trust issues along with the usual stressors of uni and my animals being sick, then not being able to express my feelings about all this is probably what led to everything blowing up. I'm not sure I can see the exact point at which I should have made a different decision that would hav altered the outcome. Perhaps I should have spoken to somebody, but I find it hard enough to express these things and ten times harder when I don't trust anybody. A large part of the problem is that I get to a point when I really am unable to talk, all I can do is lie in bed and try to pretend the world doesn't exist - once I'm at this point there isn't much I can do but wait it out....and before I get to this point I will just say I'm fine and not want to talk about it.

were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

I went off meds a while ago and only started again about 2 weeks ago, so they probably haven't kicked in. I think I am starting to accept that I have to stick with the meds and not stop them when I feel like it. Lack of sleep is nothing out of the ordinary for me, I guess I had only had a few hours sleep at the time, not sure how much it contributed. No drugs or alcohol involved this time....

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

Over the past week I have tried a variety of things - lots of journal writing, both online and on paper - this is sometimes helpful, but like I mentioned above it does sometimes get to the point where nothing can help. I admit to smoking extra at the times I felt particularly volatile - I know this isn't exactly healthy - maybe its the lesser of two evils...or maybe it's not. I have been trying really hard with relaxation which has been helpful to an extent, but my biggest problem is that I find it hard to stop my mind wandering and I sometimes end up more frustrated with myself than when I started. The other things I tried were the usual distraction things I do - internet, reading, making stars, listening to music, playing with my animals, dvds - they all are useful, but they don't address the issue, they just work to distract me, hopefully long enough that the urge passes.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

In retrospect I should have got up and gone to class...in retrospect I would have noticed my guinea pig was sick earlier so that it hadn't got to this stage. Beh, those aren't really coping methods, more like me beating myself up for fucking up. I don't really know what could have helped. If anything was going to help it probably would have had to happen sometime earlier yesterday because by last night things were too far gone. I did try to do some relaxation last night but it just wasn't working for me, so I gave up. I possibly could have gone for a walk, though I'm not sure how safe the streets around here are at 3am....perhaps that is something I can save for the daytime This morning I'm not sure I could have done anything that would have changed the outcome, in some ways it was just a continuation of last night, after Claire had left my mind was pretty much made up and I didn't even think to look for alternatives. I am always on the look out for better coping methods so any suggestions would be gladly received.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

hmmm, I didn't really mention any coping methods....but I guess if I were to chose my two most useful coping methods, they would be journal writing and relaxation. My computer is always on so I always have to option to write in my livejournal and if I feel the need for privacy I can write in my real journal. These things are always on my mind so there isn't much need to remind myself to do them. As for the relaxation, I think I need to try to remember to do it every day rather than just when things get bad...I would put post it notes up around the place, but I dont' want housemates or visitors [insert: parents] to see them, so one option is to pick a time and set an alarm on my fone so that when my fone goes off I know that means I have to go find a safe place and work on relaxation.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

I feel like a fool. I feel like I should have been better at expressing my emotions rather than taking it out on my body. I am still very upset about my guinea pig (who is still alive, but probably only till friday) and I am still feeling guilty about missing the class even though it never happened. At the time, the self harm served its purpose, it distracted me from what I was feeling, took my mind off the stress and gave me some relief, however the realization I was going to have to go to the doctor about it brought me crashing back down to earth. Nothing has really been resolved out of all this. I need to accept that Klaus (guinea pig) is probably not going to make it and that it is ok to be upset and cry about this (yes I have problems with allowing myself to cry ) I also need to work on making it to as many classes as I can, but not beating myself up when I absolutely cannot make it. It doesn't serve any useful purpose, it doesn't make up for missing the class, it just makes me hate myself more. I know the simple solution would be to go to every class and do all the work - but it isn't that easy, I have no motivation and I'm always tired which makes it hard. I just want my motivation back!!

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

I'm sure I'll end up in the same emotional place again, I always do. I do actually recognize it when it is happening, but I'm not so good at recognizing when it's about to happen, so I need to work more in analyzing the events that lead up to me feeling so overwhelmed. I often tell Claire that it just sneaks up on me and suddenly I am unable to function - but I'm sure there is more to it, I just don't see it at the time.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

* journal writing
* answer the 'before' questions in this forum
* talk to someone
* relaxation
* go for a walk (if possible)
* if all else fails and I'm beyond being able to express myself, resort to mindless distractions like making stars, surfing the net
* in absolute desparate situations - the 15 minute game

Right, I have done my absolute best to answer these questions with as much insight and detail as I could. Any feedback or questions would be appreciated.

cheers

~bojjie

Hiya Bojjie
So much I could say but not sure how much is too much at the moment

I can soooo realte to so much
The trust issues, the being unable to function

Beating yourself up will just make matters worse
Could you possibly look at what you have instead of what you don't have
There is no way to express how awesome having 11 months is
You may have slipped but you have 11 months where you found other ways through and when you are ready to give it a go again you will get there.

If you take a set time daily to relax then in time it will become second nature and it will work much better when you really really need it


I know you said that you have trouble talking to Claire when you feel like you do but have you thoguht about talking to her after about the feelings and such so maybe she can better se it coming so she can help you through when you neeed that little extra boost


How do you feel now after writing the answers to the questions?
Did it help you any?


Jo