bus

i have basically been trotting along on the applecart pretty steadily all summer long . . . right up until this weekend, when i sort of felt myself crash. i guess it has been the culmination of a lot of things . . . things that have happened (like if you read any of my posts about my neighbor killing himself or the woman i encountered on the street) and things that i am sort of setting myself up to experience. i guess i'm just getting to be overwhelmed with frustration. overwhelming myself, perhaps.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

i feel sort of starved for any sense of relief. one thing that cutting brings me is relief. maybe it is that initial release, or maybe it is afterwards, looking at myself. i think it is a combination of things from the whole process. i feel like in my head, there isn't going to be any sort of relief for awhile, because i feel so overwhelmed with things . . . i guess i will create another situation (si) in order to create my own desired effect (relief)


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

well cutting does sort of add to my every day hassles. it takes away obvious things like a good chunk of time, etc. also, i guess it takes away a little of my will power to change my behaviors. i mean, slipping one time makes it a little easier to slip the next time too. eventually, i guess that makes me justify the whole act a little more in my head and makes it harder and harder to make an actual commitment to stop. i guess you could say that it takes away my desire to stop a lot of the time.
but it will add a feeling that i am craving--some form of relief from all sorts of pressures welling up inside of me.


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

i think i can handle a few cuts. what scares me more is what those marks say about my emotional state. i guess in the long run, i'd like to feel healthy--like i can handle pressures in a healthy way. i really feel like i should say "hurting myself will most likely get me farther from feeling that way," because it is the right answer. i guess i am questioning (at the moment) how bad a few cuts can possibly be.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

that's up in the air. sometimes the relief will be enough to last a few months . . . but there is always that risk that i will slip back into the habit of engaging in that behavior on a regular basis


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

maybe get some sleep. that will give my body a chance to recharge, and although there is a possibility that i will have some sort of upsetting dream, chances are that sleep would just relax me. that will bring a few hours of relief. tomorrow is a new day, and maybe i will wake up with a fresh perspective . . . or maybe i will go back to how i am feeling right now. either way, i have nothing to lose by going to sleep now.


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

i'm pretty indifferent at the moment. the only time i really think about my si after its been done is when i am asked about the injuries . . . and since i don't know anyone or really talk to anyone, i never am forced to confront any of it. i really have an amazing ability, i think, to engage in that self-destructive behavior and then never think twice about the specific episode (physically, i mean).


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i want to stop thinking about so many things right now. i want to be able to sit here in the quiet darkness and not feel overwhelmed by everything going on in my head. i want to be alone with myself and with my mind. i would love to fall asleep right now--i would love to let myself. that sounds like a very relieving thing. unfortunately, so does cutting.

Could you allow yourself some time with some soothing music and try to think on things that will make it easier to sleep?

Thinking abou tthe answer to these questions is one healthy way to deal with the pressure you are feeling right now.

Did answering them make you feel any better?

jomomma wrote:Could you allow yourself some time with some soothing music and try to think on things that will make it easier to sleep?

i took a drive on some pretty roads right on a river near canada. driving is something that makes me feel better a lot of the time. then again, it is not always a readily accessable thing. usually i listen to music then and it helps. a lot of the time, however, listening to music puts me in a really bad state (all kinds of music . . . i think it is the act of listening to it). sometimes talk radio is the most helpful thing for me. it gives me something to really focus on. i try to form an opinion on everything that is being said . . . with a well-thought argument. i don't have a radio or anything where i am staying apart from my car though. . . and my computer and its connection are far too slow for any sort of internet radio.

Thinking abou tthe answer to these questions is one healthy way to deal with the pressure you are feeling right now.

Did answering them make you feel any better?

well of course setting everything out in front of oneself and sort of examining the facts is a helpful thing, but for me at least, it comes to a point where i just want to "get moving" so to speak. that doesn't necessarily mean engaging in some sort of self-destructive activity, but it does mean take some sort of action.

a friend taught me how to center myself, and there as part of what he showed me that i use a lot. basically, you lie down quietly and close your eyes. in your imagination, picture your center -- the place where you feel things, where you live, as a black lake in a moonlit forest grove. your thoughts cause ripples on the lake -- the more intense, the more ripples. you job is to keep the lake as smooth as glass. you focus on keeping the lake smooth -- when you se ripples, notice them and breathe and deeply and slowly and let them float away until the surface is smooth again.

deb

Thank you for sharing that
I think I may have to try that sometime.