bus

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

The situation will not change, but my attitude towards it will. When I am confronted with the same people again and put in the same situation I will feel better inside because I know I have been punished for sucking and my emotions have been expressed.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It won't bring anything to it except a glow of satisfaction that the way I feel now has been taken care of. However, I will have a new cut to hide and if I ever do tell these people about what I struggle with, to be honest I'll have to admit that I SIed over them.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

In the long run? I don't know. I don't know. That's hard. I'm not thinking of the long run. I don't care about another scar. I care about making this feeling about myself and making this utter loathing I have for myself go away for a little while.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

When it comes back, I'll SI again. It will bring me relief for a few hours and the next time I see these people.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I could talk, but I'm not doing that. I don't know what else I could do. I can't think of another way to deal with this.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

Tomorrow I will feel better that I have delt with my emotions, but I might feel ashamed that I had to SI. I don't know what else I can do. If I talk to someone, tomorrow I will regret that I did that and that I trusted another person.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to self-injure right now. Honest. To honor that maybe I just won't talk to anyone ever again because they always make me upset.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I feel the need because at the moment I'm hating myself. I'm hating myself because I can't fit in with some people and they don't like me and I just don't know what to do because they always make me feel so bad without trying to. And they're not bad people--I just don't fit in.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Before, I SIed. The one time I talked I had to SI afterwards because I felt so bad about talking. Talking to someone IRL makes me feel worse than SIing does.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I feel a little better. I would rather be hurt.

How do I feel right now?

Sad. Nervous. Tense.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Tense. Waiting.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?


Better.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I can't advoid it. I don't know how to deal without SI.


Do I need to hurt myself

No. But I want to.

sorry, but i'm not entirely sure what the situation is. could you explain more fully (or link to another thread) what it is with these people that upsets you, how it makes you feel etc. thanks

also, is it necessary to fit in everywhere? will there be some people you can never fit in with howevr much you want to? is this a bad thing?


thanks and take care

xx

Hm. I'm sorry, I didn't really explain.

Today was my day back at school, and I was having an okay day until these people who run a student and adult run Church thing came and offered me a ride home from school. And I don't know, I just don't fit in with them and they always make me feel messed up and inferior. They don't try to, and it might be me being paranoid but I always get the feeling that they're nice to me because they have to be or that they don't really like me that much.

I get really, really nervous when I'm around them. I honestly have to dig my nails into my arms and stay silent around them or I begin to really freak out.

I honestly don't know why, but they all trigger me so badly.

And I can't just avoid them because they're supposedly my friends.

this is going to sound a bit harsh, but: if these people upset you so much then is it worth reconsidering you're relationship. it sounds to me that they are being friendly to you, but do you want to be friends with them, or do you just feel guilty for not returning their friendship?

xxxx

I know that. I honestly do, but wanna hear the catch-22? These people are the people that made me consider recovering from my depression and SI. They're also the only people that are really nice to me at the moment, and if I'm not friends with them I won't have any friends and I'll end up SIing over that.

See, I'm not a very well liked person.

By the way, I never think it's harsh to give me advice. That's why I post. Thanks.

it's interesting that you say they make you feel particular ways. can you explain that more?

deb

do you deserve friends? if not, why not?

why do you think they are only nice because they have to be?

sine nomine wrote:it's interesting that you say they make you feel particular ways. can you explain that more?

They make me feel like I'm inferior. They're so happy and laughing and every time I open my mouth to say something I get stared at like I'm a freak. They all know each other very well, and know everyone and are always going out to do things and it seems like I'm never invited. They make me feel like I'm less than dirt and that I'm not worth anything and that I need to be perfect like them.

I don't know, it's hard to explain. I just really feel more insecure than I normally do around them, and I worry all the time about how they like me and if I'm fitting in.

tenar wrote:do you deserve friends? if not, why not?

why do you think they are only nice because they have to be?

I don't deserve friends, because I always hurt them. I should always be lonely, but I am too much of a bitch to punish myself like that so I go out and talk to people.

I want friends more than I want anything else.

They're only nice to me because they're nice to everyone. They don't like to hang out with me, and they don't understand me. They...honestly...I feel like they don't like me. They just tolerate me.

I honestly don't know why.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

It will make me feel better. I don't care about this goddamn situation, I just want to feel better.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It will punish me for being the stupid, worthless, self-obessed, melodramatic, worthless little bitch that I am. I'm so horrible. I need to SI. I need to. I don't know what else I can do.


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

Farther. I want to be as far away from this feeling and myself as possible. I hate my medication. I want to depersonalize. I want to be as far away from this as I can get. I want to run away from my emotions and never deal with them. I can't deal with them.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

When it stops working, I will be less upset about this then I am now.


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I don't know what else I can do. I don't know another way to cope. My arms are tense, and they feel like they're burning on the top. I want to cut them so bad.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I don't want there to be a tomorrow. I want this all to end. I want to sleep and never wake up. I'm crying. I'm overreacting to a situation that is no one's fault, but I feel so shitty. It's all my fault. I know it. I wish I didn't have to feel things so strongly and be so affected by what goes on around me.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to die. Honestly. ATM, that's all I can think of. I kind of tried to write down what I was thinking, and it turned into a rant about how much I sucked and now I'm just back to loathing myself. No one likes me anyway. I don't have any good friends. So why am I still here? I can honor it by SIing. I can sit here. I can play on some sites. I can just sit and stare at the screen and cry and wish I had a friend to call or someone would send me a message saying they liked me and they cared about me. I can drown in my own self-pity for a bit, then loathe myself even more for being so self-obessed.

When I SI, I don't feel bad about doing it to myself. I hate what it does to other people. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be trying to quit.

They don't understand how hard it is. I was supposed to just get over it.

Yeah.

It isn't working. My lips taste like salt. I don't know what I'm crying over anymore.

*sigh*

I'm such a bitch.

kurdt_kobain wrote:They make me feel like I'm inferior. They're so happy and laughing and every time I open my mouth to say something I get stared at like I'm a freak. They all know each other very well, and know everyone and are always going out to do things and it seems like I'm never invited. They make me feel like I'm less than dirt and that I'm not worth anything and that I need to be perfect like them.

it sounds like that is coming from your ideas about what they're thinking and feeling. when i read this, i hear:

<blockquote>i feel inferior around them because they seem to be happy and laughing and carefree in a way i'm not. when i say anything, i feel self-conscious and think they must think i 'm a freak. i wish i were a more important part of their group and got invited along; it feels like i have to invite myself and it's just assumed they're invited, and it seems to me that that's because of something wrong with me. i feel worthless around them because i want them to like me, and they don't do the sort of things would show me they like me.</blockquote>

I don't know, it's hard to explain. I just really feel more insecure than I normally do around them, and I worry all the time about how they like me and if I'm fitting in.

if thre's one of them you feel you can trust, it might be good to talk about these feelings in a non-blaming way. you might find out that most people feel this way to some degree, even when they seem to be the center of the group.

I don't deserve friends, because I always hurt them. I should always be lonely, but I am too much of a bitch to punish myself like that so I go out and talk to people.

I want friends more than I want anything else.

people get to make their own decisions about whether they want to risk being hurt. it is not your responsibility to protect them except by trying to treat them as fairly as you can.

what are you getting out of thinking you're the most awful bitch in the world? how does that keep you safe in your self-loathing? how realistic is it? i mean, are you more of a bitch than someone who kicks small puppies every day? why?

They're only nice to me because they're nice to everyone. They don't like to hang out with me, and they don't understand me. They...honestly...I feel like they don't like me. They just tolerate me.

I honestly don't know why.

ask them -- check it out with them. don't make assumptions about wha they tink or feel. they wouldn't like it any more than you would.

deb

i feel inferior around them because they seem to be happy and laughing and carefree in a way i'm not. when i say anything, i feel self-conscious and think they must think i 'm a freak. i wish i were a more important part of their group and got invited along; it feels like i have to invite myself and it's just assumed they're invited, and it seems to me that that's because of something wrong with me. i feel worthless around them because i want them to like me, and they don't do the sort of things would show me they like me.

That's about it. You can express what I was trying to say better than I could. Woah.

I am who I think they think I am.

if thre's one of them you feel you can trust, it might be good to talk about these feelings in a non-blaming way. you might find out that most people feel this way to some degree, even when they seem to be the center of the group.

I don't want to look like I'm looking for attention and validation. Basically, people could tell me that I'm accepted until they're blue in the face, but I wouldn't believe them. *shrug* I don't know. I tend to, no matter who I'm with, get very nervous in social settings and KNOW that everyone hates me and that I'm unwanted.

what are you getting out of thinking you're the most awful bitch in the world? how does that keep you safe in your self-loathing? how realistic is it? i mean, are you more of a bitch than someone who kicks small puppies every day? why?

I guess I'm scared of getting better, and scared of the unknown. I'm safe as long as I hate myself, because if I start liking myself then I don't know what I'd do. I just...know...I'm awful. It's fact.

I'm a bitch who pretends not to be a bitch, who is implusive and an attention seeker, who is ugly and horrible and who wants everything to be about herself. I'm so self-obessed.



I'm sorry. I don't know how to get better. Could someone tell me?

kurdt_kobain wrote:I am who I think they think I am.

Apt. but it also doesn't have to be true.

I've suffered from a lot of the feelings you've described here, going back to some issues with abandonment that were a few years old. Can you place the source of these feelings? When did you start to feel this way, and have you been comfortable having friends at any time in the past?

I see no *rational* evidence that you are a bitch, or a horrible person. Let's look at your claims:

"KNOW that everyone hates me and that I'm unwanted." - I think it was clarified before. Maybe it's something more like this: "I think that everyone hates me, and I feel unwanted" Have they told you they hate you? Has everyone in the world, specifically told you that they hate you? No. Likewise, you have been told that you are valuable by people on BUS & others I'm sure. I know that it's hard to believe.

"I'm awful. It's fact." - A fact: Knowledge or information based on real occurrences. this is where it gets gritty. Unless you actually provide evidence that you 1. command awe or 2. are extremely bad, that statement cannot be considered a fact.

"I'm a bitch who pretends not to be a bitch" - You are telling everyone here you are a bitch. How is that pretending not to be a bitch? In fact, you seem to go to great lengths to convince people you are bad (which should not be mistaken with attention seeking)

"implusive" - Your level of spontaneity is one of the top things on your list of bad things about yourself. This speaks volumes about how accurate the rest of that list probably is. If being impulsive makes you a bitch, then what about people who do improv comedy? Or send 'just because' hallmark cards?

"ugly" - seems like you just threw it in there to make yourself seem more horrible. Even if you are ugly, which I doubt- that has nothing to do with your personality or level of bitchiness.

"attention seeker" - I have yet to see evidence of this. You may seek attention, everyone does, but I don't think you are seeking it to an unreasonable extent.

"self-obsessed"- no, you are having problems. You are writing about yourself, but that is what this space is for. That's what your mind is for. I've seen you help plenty of people, you shouldn't discount that just because you think that you focus on yourself too much. Which is unlikely, considering that people do think about themselves all the time. It's very important, speaking from an evolutionary perspective.

"wants everything to be about herself" - do you really? Or do you feel like things are directed at you? Do you react emotionally to situations which you feel like you shouldn't? Have you ever actually stood up at a funeral and said "No, wait a minute, lets talk about me!" or are you really saying that perhaps you are more sensitive to a sense of abandonment & personal attacks?

----

I know it's safe to hate yourself. I've been there so many times. It feels like if you let yourself forget how 'bad' you are, then something terrible will happen- but you never know what, because you never do let yourself forget. I don't know that's how it is for you, but it sure sounded like you're afraid of something. What about self acceptance is so scary?

Are you rejecting yourself, because you are so afraid of other people rejecting you?

JoAnna