bus

i know what triggered me, no need to go there except to say it was the television and a scene from a movie.

the problem now is it feels like everything's coming down on me. i've mostly gotten past the movie scene, but i'm feeling bugs on me i KNOW aren't there. so to make that feeling go away, i wanna si.


how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
it will go away. i'll be distracted. i'll feel pain instead of bugs.


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
distraction, take up a certain amount of time based on my whole routine of si. it'll take away ..... it'll give me something "new" to be mad at myself about besides the already long list i have. (so i guess that's distraction too, but w/negative results ) plus i got one kid at home; i don't need him walking in on me, or seeing another bandage on me.


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel capable of handling symptoms whether they be from meds, or something "mental". that's what i want to feel--capable. no, si will not get me closer to that goal except for momentarily stopping the Sx.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
depending on the method of si, minutes to hours. lately tho, less and less time b4 "icky" feelings return. i guess if i had already si'd, i'd be more likely to do it again, or try an alternate form. then go back to feeling negative about myself. (self-fulfilling prophecy??? circular reasoning w/o positive outcome?? -- idk *shrugs*)


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could fix kid dinner. i could turn on the sprinklers. i could give cat fresh water. none of those are self-soothing. none of those take care of me. it's all about taking care of everyone else. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TAKE CARE OF ME? WHY CAN'T I THINK I'M WORTH THE EFFORT? the first 3 last from minutes to maybe half hour total.
what could i do next? i guess i could go looking for my what to do list t had me make 2 years ago. duh swan, good idea.


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i si, already posted how i'd feel....mentally and verbally beat myself up. tomorrow...feel good, can call t about Sx and say how i did NOT si.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want someone to care for me. i want someone to give me a hug. i want to not end up relying on my kids even tho i don't tell them about my si. i really want to be held. i wanna feel safe. i wanna figure out a way to put the mems and garbage in a box on a shelf till i see or talk to my t.


* * *

ok that's enuf for now. i'm gonna go drink some cold water. it's stifling hot here.

swan

a couple of questions:

1. what can you do for yourself to nurture yourself? some people put band-aids over the places they want to hurt to symbolize that kind of self-care -- is there some way you can show yourself that you can give yourself the nurturing you want and need?

2. have you talked to your pdoc about the feeling of bugs? it could be a significant symptom or a med side effect.

deb

for starters, i'm gonna eat supper...i think no food isn't helping. i really don't want to put bandaids on me cuz 10 yr old has a pretty good idea of how i got my scars. (ironically, my t says that my whole routine of si and post-si is in a way of form of self-soothing. but she doesn't recommend it. ) i've heard of henna painting; but since i don't have any henna, i guess that's kinda pointless.
but i really don't know what else i can do. i've sat here staring at the monitor for almost 5 minutes and really can't think of anything else but a bubble bath and it's too hot.

as for the bug feeling, i can't get ahold of someone on the weekend. it's really a bad system w/county mental health. but i looked in my drug book and don't see anything (altho a PDR would be better) about side effects. but yeah, i plan on calling them in the morning. i've had the bug thing b4 and i don't remember what we decided was going on w/that. currently it's gone....but it comes and goes.

oh yeah, i forgot to say, that after copying and pasting the Q's and answering them, i'd say the urgy feeling had decreased by half.

just tho't i'd mention that.

swan

i wrote:what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want someone to care for me. i want someone to give me a hug. i want to not end up relying on my kids even tho i don't tell them about my si. i really want to be held. i wanna feel safe. i wanna figure out a way to put the mems and garbage in a box on a shelf till i see or talk to my t.

wow i just reread this and realized something. altho the bugs is what i tho't (and said) the wanting to si was about, it was still that movie. it was the stuff it bro't up. feeling unlovable, someone's throw away, the dirty rag used to mop up someone's needs. it really wasn't about the bugs (altho they're back again. UGH)

i'm tired of feeling like the worthless one. i'm tired of feeling sad. i would like to be past being triggered (not to si, but mems from movies, or just everyday stuff).

ok, enuf of this. i'm gonna go check on sick kid. at least i'll feel good about myself cuz i'm a good mom.

~s.