Living Here is Hell - Urge

[{ Phoenix }]

I'm posting this today, although this entire week has been one long urge for me. Wednesday night, I broke down and grabbed the bottle of red food dye and a paint brush, and painted "stripes" on my left wrist, to try to help me cope. I think it worked. I kept them on there until Saturday morning.

One of the reasons that I SI is to get validation for my feelings and emotions. I often feel (because of how I grew up) that if it's not bleeding, then it's not important (e.g., a scraped knee is more important than a bad day at school). Thus, I'm tempted to "prove" how bad I'm feeling by SI-ing.

That's why the food colouring helps, because it "proves" that I'm very upset. It's an outward sign of inner pain, and I feel like I've taken a step towards vocalising my feelings.

I guess in a way, SI for me is kind of like... saying "Fuck you!" to the world, a way of letting people know that I'm not really okay, even if I smile brightly and insist that I am.

That means I have to be honest, with the right people. I can't go around telling everyone that I'm miserable or triggered, because that is too vulnerable. But specific people, like my fiancé, can handle the truth, and deserve the truth. When Ed asks if I'm okay, I can tell him the truth with words, so I don't have to tell the truth with SI.

Right now, I'm trying to handle the urge by hiding out in the basement, listening to comfortable music, and ignoring the problems for the moment. I'm going to answer the urge questions.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

The situation won't change, but I'll feel more peaceful for a few days.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It will bring a sense of relief, like I don't have to go through this all by myself. It will take away a lot of my will and resolve, though, because I've gone so long without SI.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want to feel peaceful and content. SI will bring me temporary peace, but it won't solve anything in the long run.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

It doesn't seem like the best option right now. It would only bring momentary relief, for a few days. After that, I would have to SI again to get more temporary peace.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I can post on BUS, talk to a friend online, listen to music, or take a nap. It won't change the situation, but it will help me to forget about the stress. It will only last for the evening, perhaps, but then Ed will be home, and I can curl up with him.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I will feel miserable and disappointed if I hurt myself. If I occupy myself with healthy things, I will feel proud.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to make all the stress go away. I can help my self-protective instinct by staying in the basement, far away from the bastards upstairs.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

There are two reasons: 1) To feel the peace that comes after cutting, 2) To demonstrate physically how upset I am emotionally.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I've been here before, and I've talked to someone or distracted myself until the urge has passed.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I've stayed in the basement to get away from the stress. I can talk to someone online and listen to familiar music.

How do I feel right now?

I feel emotionally exhausted. I don't want to deal with anyone or have to put on a mask or put up a front. I just want to curl up alone in the basement and be left alone so I can recuperate from having to pretend to be happy and fine at church this morning.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

I will feel lots of physical pain, and sweet release, almost like a triumph. I will feel free, like I'm pouring out my soul and I don't have to pretend anymore.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I will feel really disappointed that I lost my 35 weeks cut-free. I will regret doing it, because the momentary peace isn't worth it.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

There's no way to avoid this stressor until I move out of this damned hell-hole of a slum-shack. In the future, I can avoid all contact with his idiotic, slime-sucking parents, including eavesdropping when they're bitching about me to him.

Do I need to hurt myself?

No, but part of me wants to.

Feeling exhausted,
Cat

[littlethings]

Hi, it sounds like you're doing a great job of recognizing and controlling your urges.

You mentioned that you feel the need to prove or express your emotions with SI. You used food coloring, is there anything else you've tried? Food coloring is a great coping method, but it works in a similar way as SI- you can express your emotions without having to explain them.

I don't really know what to ask here- perhaps you could try other methods of validating emotions that is more specific to the emotions felt. Talking to your fiance sounds like a great way. SI says "I feel something" what else could you do to say that? Is there a way to express your feelings without marking up your body?

JoAnna

[{ Phoenix }]

JoAnna,

Thank you for replying.

I've tried coping with the urges by typing things on BUS. It's a good system for me, because I can point my fiancé to my post later, if I want. If he comes home tonight, and I can't find the words to express how I'm feeling, I can show him these posts and that way he will have a better understanding. In a way, this thread is kind of like a feeling journal.

The problem with talking to him too much is that I don't want to burden him. Also, they are his parents, and his family, and I have to be careful. When I want to say that I hate them and I hope they all die in a fiery car crash, I have to swallow those words and tell him that I'm "upset."

Of course, I could always try the "when, then" method and try to stay civil. In fact, I think I'll reply to this with some of the "when, then" expressions.

Still exhausted,
Cat

[{ Phoenix }]

Ed,

When your mother says that I'm lazy, I feel hurt and insulted because I do help out around the house; it's just in little ways that she doesn't notice.

When your parents count how many bowls of cereal I eat, I feel embarrassed and insecure. I feel like it's not even safe to eat in "my own" kitchen.

When I go upstairs and say hello to your family, and sit down to eat breakfast, and no one talks to me for the twenty minutes that I'm there, I feel ignored and worthless. I feel like I am trying very hard to be positive, but they do not care.

When Rob tells your sister Angie that she is so beautiful that everyone else who goes to her work and sees her, goes home crying because they're ugly, I feel insecure and hurt. I feel like I am not beautiful. I feel like he made the comment on purpose just to hurt me because he knows that I am insecure about my appearance.

When your family purposefully uses God's name in vain while I am praying before dinner, I feel angry and upset. I feel like they know that I dislike it, yet they do it anyway as if to assert that it's their house and they can do whatever they want.

When I am trying to express my feelings and you make a joke, I feel invalidated and ignored. I feel like you do not realise how upset I am. I feel like I cannot prove to you that I am serious and angry.

When we are on the phone long-distance to my father in the states, and your mom gets a call, and decides to talk for ten minutes while my dad is on the other line, I feel very angry and upset. I feel like she does not respect our right to continue the conversation. I feel like she thinks that small talk is more important than our interrupted conversation with my dad.

When I have to go to church and pretend for at least 200 people that I am happy, I feel guilty, stressed, annoyed, angry, hurt, and frustrated. I feel guilty because I am not telling the truth. I feel stressed because it is hard to hide how I really feel. I feel annoyed because I have to keep giving the same lie to different people. I feel angry because I wish I could tell the truth and still be accepted. I feel hurt because no one sees that I'm really upset. And then I feel upset with myself for expecting people to see that I'm hurting even though I'm telling them that I'm fine. I feel frustrated because the whole situation is exhausting.

When I am told that I cannot help out with Children's Church anymore until I get a police placement check, I feel hurt and offended. I feel like people suspect that I am a bad person, or that I will hurt the kids. I feel like people do not trust me. I understand that it's out of safety, but I still feel rejected. I know that everyone has to have the check done, and I know that it was an oversight that allowed me to help out without one, but I still feel upset.

There. I think that helps for now.

Hungry,
Cat

[sine nomine]

i'm glad it helped. i'm wondering, you mentioned peaceful feelings a lot. is her any other way you can get that feeling of peace? prayer or meditation, or putting on headphones and listening to soothing music? it's very cool that you've been able to identify what's behind the urge so well. i'm also glad to see that you can recognize that your situation is stressful --anyone would be stressed under those conditions -- instead of beating yourself up for feeling pressured.

you can't change their behavior, unfortunately; all you can change in this situation is how you respond to their behavior, how you frame it. maybe you could experiment with thinking of it in terms of how silly they're being instead of how insulting they're being? i mean, deliberately using the name of god in vain to distract you while you're praying is pretty silly and childish. if you can frame it that way, your irritation may gradually turn to amusement.

deb

[Lyndsie]

Thats good that other coping technices work for you. It's so good that you have realized why you si in the first place.

Good luck with everything!


~Lyndsie

[{ Phoenix }]

Deb,

Prayer is a good idea, and it's supposed to work (in theory), but when I try it for too long, or when I'm too upset, I find my mind wandering to other things. The silence and stillness gives me an opportunity to think about SI or the stress.

I love your idea about framing it. I'm going to try extra hard to think about it that way. Like tonight. I wasn't hungry for dinner, so Ed told his dad that we would both eat later. When we came up later, they had left nothing for us. I rather expected it, though, and instead of being stressed and angry, I was mostly just mildly annoyed. That kind of behaviour is just par for the course around here. And now I'm trying to think about how silly it is for him to resort to food control to express his feelings about me.

Hugs,
Cat

[Scoots]

its really good that you can see some of what they are doing as them being really pathetic, try to hang on to that.

I really like your when and then thing, its something i will try to use.