Kenmeri, before

[Spidey]

How will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

It'll be a justification for why I am such a mess inside. It will be on the outside, how garbage and crazy it is inside. It will also make this dull headache that isnt really pain in my head but I know is something else stop. I'll have relief and not feel so...blocked. and mute.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

Bring: Probably the typical shame/hurt/guilt/anger, and it will bring some form of relief (or I told you so, you couldn't make it), but probably after the relief is gone just shame

Take away: Six years of progress, six years of stringing it together, the knowledge that I have faltered even though in the past there was worse and I still stayed the course

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

It's not a feeling, it's a state of being, I feel like so crazy and big and distant from my body and a mind of pure chaos, which I just want to stop, I'm not sure if hurting myself is going to get me ant further or closer to getting rid of that state of being/feeling, there should be some work done, but I just want some sort of relief. I want to be ONE person back in MY body, ya dig?

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

For a while. And then I guess I will feel bad but I don't know; I seriously don't know.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I need to go out and get some groceries and buy batteries. It will give me something to focus on (I have to drive to get there). I can then put batteries in the flashlights as we have severe weather coming.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

Relieved if I do the other thing, if I sied I feel like I would be rolling down a slippery slope.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

Be one in my head. Go back to sleep?