bus

This is the first time in a while I have been here.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It will stop me feeling like I'm about to have a panic attack. It may stop the panic attack.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will stop the immediate problem, it will take away my feeling of mental health control.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to not still be reliant on this anymore. It will take me further away.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It will be brief. It would probably be until my wife gets home this evening.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I am doing this, it's been a long time since I dissected my thoughts when I have an urge. I am working out to calm down. I am going to go out as I've not left the house since Saturday.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I will be disappointed in myself. Probably more empowered.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to run away, I could spend the day distracting myself and getting out of the house. I haven't been productive enough in getting out since I started working from home.

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  It'll disrupt the spiral I'm in. It'll likely upset my wife.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  Relief. It'll make things harder in a couple of relationships.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to not be here and be satisfied. I don't think it's achievable, so I'm not sure that this will detract from it.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  Probably not long enough. Maybe a few hours. I don't know what I'd do after that.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  Admit that I'm struggling and maybe talk to someone about what I'm struggling with.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  Ashamed and disappointed probably.
  The other thing? I'll feel vulnerable and that feels dangerous right now.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

Run. I can't do that.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I'm not in a great place to fully answer this right now.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I've shut it away to deal with it later. Unfortunately I think this the the later I was avoiding.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I've tried to dive into music and work. I'm running out of things in the toolbox.
• How do I feel right now?
  Panicked. Scared. Vulnerable.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Peaceful.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Probably the same with a side of shame.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  Not really. Half of it is work and that's unavoidable. The other is family and I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with that.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

I don't know. I was hoping there would be a clear answer by now.