bus

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I think it will stop hurting so much. I won't feel like everything is against me. I'll have some control over my pain. Over my feelings. Over something.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It will bring a feeling of control, but it will also bring a sense of loss for the six years I almost had.

It will take away a lot. A lot of progress, a lot of time, and that's about it, I guess.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want it to be gone, honestly. And this is the question I never know the answer to.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

That depends. Probably a long time. I just know I'll feel better. I will probably sleep afterwards.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I can watch Graveyard Carz or the rest of Stuttgart/Düsseldorf, or take a nap (I am obscenely tired no matter how much sleep I get lately). It won't change anything, I think, it will probably just kick the can forward. I have no idea what I truly am dealing with besides a big urge.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I legitimately don't know.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to SI, but I know that's a shitty option. I don't know what I want to do right now besides lie down (and pick up the dog toys).

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I feel like I have no control over anything. Everyone is using me as their emotional punching bag and I am just tired of it. I feel unheard and unknown. And everyone wants to be in my fucking business.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

To an extent. I ran away. I don't remember.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

Addressed HALT, watched JDM legends, got cat food and other groceries, tidied my space a bit, wrote, reached out.

Take a nap, watch RockyAuto on YouTube, drink

How do I feel right now?

Sad, overwhelmed, alone, unheard

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Numb.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Better and probably more grounded. Shitty tomorrow.

[quoteCan I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? [/quote]

I don't know; I am doing the best that I can.

Do I need to hurt myself?

Logically, no. But the desire is there.

hi spidey

your post reminded me of my own stuff - trying to deal with emotions without knowing how and feeling like i couldn't stand them. i don't know if it's relevant (plus things have likely changed since you posted) but another thing for the tool box might be self-compassion exercises (eg https://self-compassion.org/category/ex ... editations with the "soften, soothe, allow" guided audio).

you wrote about taking a nap and as much as it is shifting feelings forward for when you wake up again, it's also something that can help reduce some of the feelings and add a sense of care and comfort that may help you face feelings with a bit more strength. it's a good option if you can't think of anything else to do.

feeling unheard can be really devastating. can you make things clearer in writing, or find people who will listen? is there a way to feel supported, even if it's posting lots on bus?

thank you. I've been posting a lot in my place, because that's the only place I feel really heard.