bus

After:

Questions to Answer After A Slip

slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  
  Yes.
• what had happened just before?
  
  My boss called me into her office to talk about a performance issue that was affecting everyone else.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  
  I was frightened. I thought that, if I could get some relief (like taking a drag on a cigarette) ahead of time, I would be able to remain calm and not start crying when I went in to speak with my boss.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  
  Yes. It's very triggering to me to get called into my boss's office, because, in my last major job, that is what happened right before I lost a job I loved, where I had been working for several years.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  
  I had been putting off submitting my financial records, even though I knew that they were due. I just kept putting it off. Partly because I'm scared of the budget officer. She's very straightforward, and the more I delay and avoid communicating with her, the more I fail to meet her expectations, and the scarier it gets when I actually have to work with her.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  
  I don't think so, but getting a full night's sleep without using herbal or over-the-counter sleep aids (which make me groggy) is always an issue.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  
  I did try sniffing my aromatherapy bottles, reading my inspirational quotes, and ringing my meditation bell. But I didn't try them right before the slip. I guess I didn't want to wait for them to work: I wanted a "quick fix."
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  
  I could have called a family member for support, or posted on BUS. I could have done some calisthenics, too, to wear myself out and get the dopamine and adrenaline release I was craving (which I was seeking through SI).
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
• I will keep white noise running in the background, while I work, to help me stay grounded
• I will heed the "Break Timer" on my computer, and use it as a reminder to do my exercises, to keep my awareness focused in my body and not only in my head
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  
  Right now, I am working on a report for the same budget officer who I'm afraid of. It's stressing me out. But the sooner I get done, the sooner I can talk with her tomorrow, and see what I can do to work with her more productively, until she retires.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  
  I don't know if I will be in that situation again or not. I have a lot of responsibility in my new position at work. It's frightening. I think the white noise will help. Actually, what I am hoping will really help is if my loco-parentis adult disabled dependent gets some more comprehensive case management services, so I don't spend so much of my workday obsessing over getting help for them, which can distract me from my obligations.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
• Calling a family member for support
• Walking to the end of the parking lot and back
• Doing a round of physical-therapy calisthenics

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  
  I just felt compelled, as a way to deal with stress.
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  
  I made the opportunity, by isolating myself in my office.
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  
  I probably would have taken a deep breath, put on my headphones, and done some quiet meditation.
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  
  It might have increased, until I could find my way to channel the nervous energy into productive action.
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  
  Being alone, having tools, feeling stressed, having an uncomfortable interpersonal encounter coming up.
  
  
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
  
  Probably annoyed, irritated, and anxious. Maybe a little relieved, too. I shared an office for years and loved it. Privacy isn't all that important, in the workplace.

I feel really triggered, frightened, and sad right now.

I had a conversation with my husband that made me feel really sad.

He mentioned that the neighbors mostly spoke Chinese, and I said that I was excited to get to know them so I could practice. He expressed confusion and incredulity, and spent the next five to ten minutes arguing with me, saying that Chinese was too hard, that I wasn't being realistic, that I could never learn it. He kept asking me if I remembered how hard it was, from previous conversations with Chinese-speaking neighbors. He looked just utterly bewildered that I would even think of trying something that apparently hopeless.

I answered that I actually already have a decent working knowledge of some basic phrases in both Mandarin and Cantonese. He responded by saying, "Oh, well, I guess I can just never express emotion around you again. I have to filter and suppress everything I say around you, because you take every little thing as a personal attack or insult." I said I was sorry for talking back to him the way I had, and he said, "Did I ask for an apology?" I really felt excluded: that first I was getting rain dumped on my parade -- that my expression of happy enthusiasm about the possibility of a new neighbor to get to know was met with his apparently trying to argue me out of pursuing a neighborly relationship with him. Then, when I attempted to stand up for myself by asserting that I actually have been developing my Chinese-language skills, it's like I was being called -- essentially -- a hypersensitive woman, or a "ball-cutting b****". As if I were the one oppressing him.

Anyway, I know I can't cut anymore, because I'm not allowed to, so instead I took some over-the-counter sleep aids. They're about to kick in, and I'm hoping I can get some sleep soon. Sleep a welcome escape, when I don't feel welcome in my own house.

My marriage really fills me with despair, sometimes.

I often really feel as though SI is the only way to feel peaceful and safe and relaxed and at home within myself. But I know that it's not enough. As the old rock opera line goes, "Unfortunately, it is not enough."

I just don't see what he could have had to lose by letting me try to meet the neighbors. I don't see what kind of threat I posed, by trying something hard. I don't see why it was so hard for him to understand or believe that I might be able or willing to try something hard.

OK, time to retreat into sleep.

hi calisticks. i'm sorry your husband was hurtful and frightening. i'm glad you are not si-ing at the moment, and i hope going to sleep will help.

good on you on the language lessons i'm trying to learn french and i'm still very much a beginner.

just thinking about posibilities cos i don't know what's really going on... i can imagine people close to me might be surprised and worried by me taking brave or important steps because they worry about what happens when i over-commit or put a lot of effort into something that ultimately doesn't go right. it might be that your husband is trying to protect you from being hurt, which is a good thing, but it's also something to talk about because there needs to be clear boundaries between what is helpful and what is over-protective. i know for me, my needs change all the time around how much i want my sister to help protect me. sometimes i might be unwilling to leave the house without her, but when i'm doing better i can definitely handle going out by myself wherever i want to go (most of the time i'm in the middle and i need her help doing things that make me really anxious).