bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  I'll stop feeling so much. Maybe I'll get out of bed and do something productive. Or if I still can't do that, I won't care as much about being unproductive.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It will help me not feel things temporarily (hopefully). It will make things worse in the long run, but they're already worse because I already gave in to SI this morning - I don't think it would make a lot of difference if I give in again now.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to not SI in the long run.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  A little while, then I would want to SI more.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I can't think of anything. . . I want to talk to someone, but there is no-one. I could keep on lying in bed doing nothing. I could get up and do something to distract myself like watch a movie. I don't think I can make myself do anything productive right now . . .
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  Honestly - if I SI I'll feel crap, but I still think that I would feel better if I SI than if I waste the entire day being unproductive. I hate me more for being unproductive than for SIing.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I don't know. . . I want a person. I feel crap because I just had a counselling session and it made stuff worse. I decided to try counselling again so that I wouldn't bother people - like - I'll pay someone to listen to me and then hopefully I won't want anything from my friends. . . But trying counselling is making me want people more - it's hard to talk about stuff. It brings up emotions. And it's so hard with someone who doesn't know me. So - starting again is hard - I feel like I need a friend to talk to in order for me to continue "trying counselling again". Like - I want to talk to someone right now because I feel crap because I just had a counselling session. I WON'T do that.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  Feeling awful in general the past few weeks.
  
  SIing fairly regularly the past few weeks.
  
  Employment looking for job stuff.
  
  *REL* Faith stuff.
  
  Going to counselling this morning. Having a bad morning beforehand. Being late for it because the road was closed and I had to walk. Finding it hard to talk about stuff. Him not understanding stuff and me not being as to explain. Feeling like the stuff he focused on/wants to focus on - is unhelpful - or for now it is - like there's stuff which is really hard the past few months which I asked if we could focus on and there's stuff related to that the past week or so which was really hard - but he spent the whole time talking about my past and thinking and stuff. . . That could be that he's trying to get to know stuff about me or it could be that that's what he thinks I need to work on. I'm not sure. . . I just feel like - I have all this stuff now which is really hard and hurts and it hurt to tell him about it and I want help with it and I don't think that counselling is going to help me with it.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  I don't know.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  Nothing that has "eased the discomfort". . . I'm on BUS - sort of distracting myself, but that's not making me feel any better.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Crap.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Maybe better.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Awful again. So - the cycle continues. . . I've been here the past couple of weeks - SI leads to more SI.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  No
• Do I need to hurt myself?

I want to. I never need to. I want to.

Hi sojourner_steph. How are you going now?

My trick for being stuck in my emotions and hating how stuck i am is to say f- this i may as well be unproductive today and find something distracting and relaxing to do. I find that it gives me a way to accept that i'm disappointed in myself without punishing myself with si or trying to motivate myself (with si or mentally berating and pushing myself). A bit of peace from the feelings tends to motivate me to do some of what i was avoiding because i've taken the pressure off, i don't expect anything at all.

I think counselling is a good thing even if you also need support from other people. I sometimes write down things i want to talk about so i can communicate better but unfortunately with some counsellors they have a set way of approaching things and they don't always listen or understand. Hopefully you can continue to let them know what issues are important to you and how you want to approach them.

*slight challenge

Is si giving you what you want from it? Is it really making you more motivated or productive or able to handle your emotions?