bus

I don't think I've ever posted here before... maybe a long time ago.

There are too many questions for me though. They make me confused so I deleted most of them. Here's my simple version.

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I'll stop being told to do it all the time. I'll have some quiet and peace for a while. I'll get some focus and be less distracted.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  It will last for the 4 hours it takes me to do it and then afterwards I'll sleep.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I don't have to do it today. I think it will be there until I do but I can probably wait until tomorrow and see. It will just make for a difficult night because he doesn't like being told to wait.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself?
  The physical symptoms I'm having now will be worse. That means it will be harder for me to concentrate and think and to work. It will become harder to avoid getting medical attention.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I don't know what I want. I'm afraid of myself and of losing control and doing what I don't want to do... and I wonder if doing this one thing now will make it less likely that I'll do what I don't want to do, or more likely. I'm tired.

is a reply ok? i'll delete this if you don't want it here.

simple is good, i'm glad you were able to answer some of the questions.
it sounds like even if you were able to get some focus at first, after you si you will have trouble concentrating and things will feel worse.

being afraid of yourself and losing control is really scary and confusing. it might help (if possible) to talk to someone about that, to get some perspective. being tired and unable to rest is really difficult - do you have ways to cope or make it easier? i use a couple of apps on my phone for guided meditation. there's some useful stuff at http://www.excelatlife.com/downloads.htm.

Thanks treasure, replies are always welcome

I'll have a look at the site you posted too. Thank you.

still trying to not do this fucking wrist with the numb bit. it's not gonna go away and it's gonna do my fucking head in. i can't deal with it. sorry for language.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i might feel something there

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
i just want to feel it. that's all. nothing fancy. i can't deal with not feeling it.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
when T gets back from her holiday she'll ask about it.... and if we end up at the hospital she'll find out that way too, then she'll look sad at me and i'll feel like shit but that's weeks away and i don't think i can get there

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
i dunno. if i cut there will feeling come back? i dont know that till i try it... if it doesn't come back this is gonna make me insane or i will have to keep doing it

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i've been distracting myself for days but this isn't going to go away... whenever i'm here so is the wrist.... and i'm having to be here more than normal coz of other shit going on which makes it worse. everything is going up the proverbial and i can't deal with a numb wrist on top of everything else. the surgery was supposed to fix it not make it numb. so pissed. can't do more questions sorry.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It will be out of me. I will be clean and safe.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Not too long but longer than never

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I've been doing other things for a long time. And I could do something again but the results of that are even more fleeting than the results of SI so they're less appealing right now

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself?
tomorrow I'll feel like shit and regret it

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i don't know the answer to this

i wantt to rite more but dont know if is ok here. maybe find my place again

Wednesdays wrote:i wantt to rite more but dont know if is ok here. maybe find my place again

you can post whatever you want here that's within bus rules. you can use trigger warnings if it's graphic or disturbing.

Wednesdays wrote:what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now[/b]?
i don't know the answer to this

maybe what you wrote earlier is relevant?

Wednesdays wrote:It will be out of me. I will be clean and safe.

you want to be emotionally and physically safe, which is a good self-protective thing to want. if the best way to be safe right now is si, maybe that is a reason to use si, but how else might you find safety? for me, i've found recently that being at the computer or online helps me feel safe. sometimes texting my support worker helps me feel safe.