bus

After:

Questions to Answer After A Slip

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  
  Yes
• what had happened just before?
  
  I've been SIing every day for the past 5 days (except for one day).
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  
  What made me give in to it the first day was feeling self-hate stuff really strongly. I felt lots of stuff - stuff has been really hard for ages. But it was self-hate stuff which made me give in. Since then - it's been like - well I already SI'd, so what difference does it make. I'm really struggling. Feelings hurt a lot. I feel like I have no hope. I'm so deep into this. I want to die. SI isn't helping - it's making stuff worse. It's pushing me deeper into struggling with stuff.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  
  Lots of feelings building and wanting SI for ages and then really strong self-hate stuff. Since then - it's just been all the time - feeling stuff - feeling depressed I guess. And without hope. And still self-hate stuff.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  
  I don't know. I don't think I could have changed how I was feeling at any point. . . I think - I need coping things for when I'm feeling self-hate. Up until then I was using coping things I'd written down. I was trying. Then self-hate stuff got too much and I didn't want to try anymore and none of that stuff would have worked.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  
  No
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  
  I have a list of coping stuff I use/ want to try. As I said, they worked enough until I got to self-hate stuff. . . Most of the stuff I was trying was distractions and writing in my place to work things out. Writing helps. Distractions - most of the time I felt like I was just delaying it, I don't feel like they helped to make my feings lessen at all. When self-hate stuff was too strong, I didn't want to try - I didn't want to try coping things, I didn't want to write on BUS. I wanted SI. I didn't want something to help because I wanted to give in.
  
  Now - since then - I'm not trying any coping things. The past few days - I've just been SIing, and crying, and everything is too much and I'm way past anything coping things would help. I have talked to IRL people a little bit which has helped a little bit. And I'm writing in my place - that helps. It's not stopping me from SIing, but it helps to write a bit.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  
  I don't know. I don't know what would have helped then. I don't know what might help now. It's too much. It's beyond what coping stuff could help. Ok - that's not entirely true. I said that writing in my place helps and talking to IRL people helps. It's not helping much. I'm still falling apart. It's not stopping me from SIing, but it helps a bit. I'm going to try going to help my friend clean her house tomorrow, because that has helped me in the past - not being alone and doing something. I don't know if it will help or not.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  
  I'm still there. I'm still in this situation. I don't know if I'm going to give in to SI again tomorrow or not. But if the past 4 days are any indication of that, then probably. . . I don't want to. Or part of me doesn't want to. . . Well - as I said, I'm trying cleaning my friend's house. . . That's one thing.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  
  Will it ever be resolved? Feeling stuff and it hurts and I can't do it and I feel like I have no hope and I want to die. Maybe stuff won't be this intense forever. . . I don't know if there's anything I can do to change it right now. . . It hurts. It hurts a lot. I'm falling apart. I'm so deep in this. I don't know if I'm answering these questions properly or with the right purpose, maybe I'm still feeling stuff too strongly to be able to really do this properly.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  
  I'm still there.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  
  Ok. . . I'm still there. . . I'm going to want SI tomorrow. I want it now actually, but I'm going to try to sleep now. So . . . What am I going to try before I give in to SI tomorrow? Going to my friend's house to help her with cleaning - I'm going to try to not let myself SI tomorrow until after I've done that. . . Maybe . . . But I still want it . . . Do I even want to try? I don't know. I do - because this is destroying me. Because SIing every day is making things worse. It's making me sink deeper into this hole of struggling and feeling stuff and having no hope. If I'm going to get out of this, then I need to stop this cycle of SIing everyday.
  
  I don't know. I don't think I did this properly. Because I'm still in the middle of this. And I still want SI.
  
  .

Should I make a thread for my before/after posts like some people do instead of making a new topic each time?

Should I make a thread for my before/after posts like some people do instead of making a new topic each time?

it's up to you. i have a thread because my posts are quite spaced out and i want to be able to look back at prev things that might've helped me from those posts. it can be easier for ppl to reply to just one post rather than a thread, sometimes.

i really empathise, esp with self-hate feelings and thoughts destroying hope and making it really hard to cope. some random things that have helped me...

sometimes self-hate thoughts are repetition of what i've learned as a child and it can help to tell myself that what felt true in the past isn't necessarily true now. what happened in the past, it's okay and understandable for me to learn to hate myself. and feeling it is going to hurt a lot because i was a child and it was very hurtful for a child to hear/learn those things. but i am not in the past any more and things have changed. i care about -this person- and they care about me. things are not black and white. i am not worthless because of what i've done or failed to do - no one is worthless, even if i feel like i am.

thinking and feeling is fuel to the self-hate fire. the way to be in control is to control your actions. si is one way to do that, but it leads to feeling worse later so it's only helpful very briefly. other ways to do that - walk - get away from the house, get away from whatever the latest trigger is, go do something random like go to the library or go try some nice food you don't have very often. be around people, it helps you to be thinking about others and crowd out the other thoughts and feelings. tidy things - that's helping me today/yesterday. paint or do something creative that doesn't hold much judgement - colouring in might work if you can sit still long enough.

write it down. keep writing. it might be just me, but i find that i often write myself into a self-care plan, ie i write down what i'm supposed to do and how i can't do that, but i often find something that i *can* do and want to do, starting from as small as i will go make some tea or i will watch youtube videos for a while. if you find something you want to be doing, it's kindling some sense of self-care, self-worth and hope, helping to fight against the self-hate stuff. it doesn't matter what. writing can also help you name the thoughts or memories that are most upsetting and helping to boil the feelings down into "this happened and it made me feel like a failure" rather than "everything is shit and always has been shit"...