bus

Before:

I'm trying this . . . I'm not exactly on the moment of being about to SI. . . More just - it's been building for days. I want it all the time. And I feel like I'm getting closer to giving in. Stuff is harder. I'm sick of feeling like this. I started carrying around something to SI with yesterday when I went out and when I do that it's like I've half made the decision to SI already. . . So . . . I feel like I'm going to give in soon. And I don't want to. So I'm going to try this not exactly as an in the moment "right now" kind of thing, although, I do feel like it, but more - I feel like I might give in sometime today. . . So I'm seeing if this might help . . .

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  It would stop the feelings building. At least the "feeling like SIing". I feel like it just builds and builds for days and doesn't stop until I give in. When I give in I get a short break from it and like "wanting to SI" goes down again and like starts from nothing again.
  
  I'm not sure how true that is . . . I think it's partially true. . . But there's also - after I SI - say a few hours after or the next day - it's harder not to give in to SI again. I want it more then. . .
  
  I also wonder - do the feelings go away or lessen by themselves, like if I do nothing? . . . I feel like they don't. I feel like wanting to SI is just going to keep on building and building until I give in (whether that's hours or days). I don't feel like the feeling is going to go away or lessen if I do nothing. I don't know if it has before - but it must of sometime . . . Things can't be this intense all the time. There must have been a time when I didn't give in to SI and the feelings eventually lessened anyway. . .
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It would stop the feelings building for a short while. It would take away - how I want to not SI, how I'm fighting it. And it would make things harder.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to change. I want to get past all of this stuff. I want to feel better. I want things to be easier. I want to not want to SI anymore. SIing now is going to take me further away from that because trying to not SI is trying with that stuff. . . Trying to change. . .
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  Not long. If I did, then after a little while, I would just want SI again.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I feel like nothing I do actually changes anything. For days (ok, well really for weeks, months. . . But days "this time") - I've been trying "distraction things" - like playing games on my phone, looking at random stuff on the Internet, watching movies. Distraction only lasts for so long - a few hours at most - until feeling stuff breaks through and the distraction doesn't work anymore. But it doesn't change anything. It doesn't help at all. It just distracts me for a little bit. . . As far as something which would actually help - I feel like "trying to work on things" things - like writing or whatever - i can't do right now. I can't concentrate or focus enough to do that. . . Well except for this I guess - I'm doing this and that's kind of what writing here is. . . I don't know if it will help or not. . . What I want is to talk (or text or email) to someone.ike my IRL friend who helps me a lot. It helps when I tell her that stuff's hard and she talks to me about it and tells me that she cares. . . I've done that before and it's helped - it's lessened feelings. . . But I can't do that - it's wrong. She's busy. I hate me for wanting it . . . . . . I just want to not be alone. I want someone IRL. But I hate me for wanting it.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  If I SI - I will feel bad, guilty, ashamed. And stuff will be hard. I'll have to deal with having SI'd on top of other feelings.
  
  If I do distraction type things - I'll feel like I do now. Like it's pointless. Like I'm getting nowhere. Hate me for being this and for wasting time not doing anything productive. And feelings will keep building.
  
  If I do something that involves an IRL person - I'll hate me so much for bothering someone. I already hate me for considering it. Even SIing is better than that - bothering people, takin gong up their time. . .
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

What do I really want to do. I want to be not alone. I want someone to acknowledge that it hurts and listen to me. I've said that. I'm ashamed that I want that. I hate me for wanting that.


More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  Feeling stuff. It hurts. It's hard. It's been building for days. . . I feel weird. I've been trying medication for the past month and it makes me feel weird. . . Different. Both were bad and hard - how I felt before and during trying medication, but this is harder to cope with because I don't understand it.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  
  I've been here with feelings and wanting to SI plenty of times. . . As far as medication making me feel different and weird, I'm not sure. . .
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  
  Distraction stuff. . . More distraction stuff . . . But it doesn't help. And it makes me feel bad for not being productive.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  It hurts. I feel weird. I can't stand it. I can't do this. I'm so sick of being like this. And I'm not sure how much hope I have of changing anymore. I've been struggling with this stuff for 8years! I cannot do this anymore. I'm trying. I've been trying so hard. I want to change, but I don't know what I'm meant to be doing. . . Honestly, I'm over it. I don't have much hope of stuff changing anymore and I just want to die (not in an SU way). . . I want to not be this anymore. How long can I deal with being this . . . Something which I hate. . . And a burden to people. . . And something bad . . . And I just . . . Feel stuff . . . And it hurts. And I can't do this anymore. SI is not goi g to solve anything. I know that. But I feel like there's nothing that will help. Nothing that will change anything. . .
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  At least it would take my mind off feeling stuff for a bit.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Bad
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  No.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

No. I never need to. And I don't think it would be helpful to do so. I just want to. . .

sojourner_steph wrote:If I do something that involves an IRL person - I'll hate me so much for bothering someone. I already hate me for considering it. Even SIing is better than that - bothering people, takin gong up their time. . .

if someone you know came to you and said "i don't want to bother you but i really need to talk, can we make a time to meet in the next few days" what would you think and what would you do?

sojourner_steph wrote:I feel weird. I've been trying medication for the past month and it makes me feel weird. . . Different. Both were bad and hard - how I felt before and during trying medication, but this is harder to cope with because I don't understand it.

are you talking to the prescribing dr about how it makes you feel? maybe you could look it up on crazymeds.us and see if that describes the effects you are feeling?

sojourner_steph wrote:I also wonder - do the feelings go away or lessen by themselves, like if I do nothing? . . . I feel like they don't. I feel like wanting to SI is just going to keep on building and building until I give in (whether that's hours or days). I don't feel like the feeling is going to go away or lessen if I do nothing. I don't know if it has before - but it must of sometime . . . Things can't be this intense all the time. There must have been a time when I didn't give in to SI and the feelings eventually lessened anyway. . .

could you challenge yourself to find out? can you wait 5 days from now before you si? can you try talking to someone or do something kind/caring/self-soothing before you si?

Thank you for your reply. It helped. I appreciate it.

The other people thing is complecated . . . yes, if someone came to me I would want to listen to them and help them. . . I still can't change what I feel about bothering other people . . . I'm not even sure what I would want from someone actually - maybe just to say "stuff's hard" and have someone acknowledge it and care. . . But the stuff I feel about it being wrong and bad to bother people is so strong.

Thanks for the website re medication. It was helpful to read it. . . It didn't really say anything about what I've been feeling though. I'm talking to my doctor, but I can only tell him what I can explain and I can't explain "feeling weird". . .

I liked your suggestion about challenging myself to find out if feelings lessen or not. I'm going to try to and take notice of it. I think that that could be really helpful - because then the next time I feel like this and I feel like the only way feelings are going to lessen is if I SI, then I can have evidence to look back on and remember what happened last time - if that makes sense. . .
So . . . I've been thinking about it. I'm not sure if it's so much what I originally thought about feelings building and building until I give in. Today - my feelings have changed a bit within the day - this morning was better than yesterday, feeling like SIing WAS less - not completely gone, but less. Tonight it's strong again. . . So, yes - feelings do lessen by themselves when I don't do anything. But then they also become worse again too? . . . Maybe it just changes . . . I'm not sure. I am going to try for the next few days though and try and notice what happens. Tonight's hard though - I want to SI. Feelings are hard. But I'm trying - I'm fighting it.

Thank you for your reply. Thanks for helping me figure this out a bit more.

So . . . I'm back here because I want to SI. . . And I'm wondering if writing would help. And because I'm still trying to work out how feelings change - with what I posted before. It's hard right now. I'm trying not to. But I want it so much. . . I've wanted to SI most of today. It's worse tonight. . . I think that feelings do change a bit by themselves when I don't give in to SI - they do lessen sometimes. Wanting to SI is generally always there though whether it's really strong or not . . . I don't know. Right now, it's strong - and it's really hard.

Maybe holding on to the fact that feelings change and sometimes lessen without SI is really important.... You can't change how you feel but you can choose how to respond to them. SI urges are always there at the moment, I hear that, but when you give into them you just fuel the fire, maybe those will lessen over time....