bus

I'm not upset. This was just such a WTF moment.

After:

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  
  Yes, no biggie.
• what had happened just before?
  
  I was listening to music I liked. I wanted some kind of kick.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  
  Wanted to not care about what I'm "supposed to". Feeling euphoric.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  
  Had a lot to do with opportunity, my husband is out tonight. Note: it doesn't upset me and I don't feel abandoned at all, I could have gone too, if I wanted to. It was just practical to be alone at home.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  
  I have been a bit unstable for a few weeks, but nothing much has happened. I have had SI urges for weeks, but not done anything. The only thing I can think of is to not have tools at home, since I'm a bit picky, but every time I throw my stash away I soon buy new ones...
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? I guess I'm still hypomanic, despite being on a shitload of meds. All sorts of things seem like fun. Or I'm annoyed by things. Anyway, I'm seeing my pnurse on Tuesday.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  
  Nothing much really. I spent some time on a message board for distraction, but got annoyed with someone so I signed out before I said stupid things. I did the dishes and put on a load of washing and cooked dinner, but that was just procrastination, I had already decided to hurt myself.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  
  There isn't much that kills the SI urges, it's just a matter of postponing. I could have taken valium or had a couple of drinks. I never mix SI and alcohol. But that wouldn't be terribly constructive either. Watch a movie? I'm not quite composed enough.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  
  I'm fine for now. Tuesday morning I will see my pnurse and discuss if I need even more med changes, as a short term handling. In the longer term, I'm not so sure what I'm going to do.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  
  Probably. On and off for the rest of my life. I know when I'm there, I just don't always want to stop it.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  
  Can't think.

Hey,

I thought this bit was interesting:

I had already decided to hurt myself.

Is there anything you could have done before that, either to reduce the option and therefore negate the need to make a decision?

Or, did you do a good pros and cons list? Just so that decision is informed and not as impulsive maybe.

Just my 2 cents

Hey Scarlett

I don't know... like so often, the urge has been there on and off, day in and day out. Now I have some peace for a little while.

On this particular occasion, I could simply have gone with the rest to the cinema, although I wasn't very interested in that movie and don't like the environment (too noisy). But then I could have cut tomorrow morning instead, if I still felt like it.

I try to think of what sets it off. Feeling very restless is one thing. Agitated depression another. Feeling trapped. And it seems that, oddly enough, feeling happy can be a trigger as well. It's rarely self-punishment, although there can be aggression, but it's more "f*** you idiots, you don't get to decide what I do with my body"

I didn't do a proper pros and cons list. As time goes by, they get harder somehow.

Right now I'm still feeling good. But not much would bring me down at all at the moment.

The reason I even made this thread was mainly bookkeeping. I don't expect spectacular insights.