bus

Before:

I don't have time to be doing this - but I'm doing it because if I don't I think I'll give in. Hopefully writing about it will help me not to.

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  I'd feel better. I'd hate myself less. It would take away the strong feelings for a bit. It would enable me to do stuff - be productive - give me the motivation I need to get up and go to my friend's place to help her.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  As above. It would take away everything I've been working for and make things worse in the long run.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  Enough to get through this morning. enough to make myself do stuff. Then, I'd feel the same as I do now. As I have for months and months and it won't change and it hurts/
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  Well - I'm writing here - because that's the thing I came up with which I could do instead.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  If I SI - I'll hate myself for it. If I don't SI - I'll still hate me, my life will still be falling apart, but I won't have to deal with having SI'd on top of it.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  This morning has been hard. I've been lying in bed and crying and I can't think and I can't do stuff. And it hurts. I was crying and praying and just saying how it hurts and I don't know what to do . . . and then my friend texted me and she's pregnant and she's been having pain and she asked me to come over and help her -do some errands for her. And part of me recognises that that could be a good thing for me - getting out being around people not being alone and helping someone else. But part of me which is stronger hates me soooooo much. Hates me for being this. hates me for being stupid and awful and horrible and nothing for struggling with this stuff - because it is nothing - because I am nothing. I am consumed by this hate for myself. . . And somehow - a friend being in need - having a real need - makes me hate myself - for crying, for feeling, . . . because my stuff is nothing compared to anyone else. . . . So I mainly want to cut because I hate myself. . . . . and I also partly want to SI because it would help me be productive. It would help me do stuff. It would give me the energy I need to get up and have a shower and get ready and go to my friend's house and do stuff to help her.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  yes. I don't remember
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I guess I was just letting myself feel stuff a bit this morning and not expecting much of myself. I tried to write an email to a friend about my stuff but I couldn't write properly so I gave up on it. . . but now I have expectations on me - to go and help my friend - and that means that I have to make myself do stuff and it makes me hate myself for finding it hard to do stuff
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Hate. before I felt . . . stuff just hurt. And it was ok. but it hurt. Now I hate myself for hurting.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  I want it. I want it so much.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  I don't know.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

No. I never "need" to. I just want to.

i understand those feelings.
i don't have anything helpful to say right now. hope that writing here helped

Thanks. It did help to write.