bus

Debating with myself whether I should even post here. It seems arrogant somehow, when I'm not regretful. But whatever.

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  
  Just scratches, nothing I can't deal with myself.
• what had happened just before?
  
  Things have been building up for several days. Actually, the whole summer. There was no particular final straw.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  
  A mixture of desire, and very close to hatred for everyone who wants me not to SI.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  
  Opportunity. I knew my husband would be out of the house for a few hours.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  
  I have stretched myself thin over the summer by seeing family, my husband's family, friends... Then I have kept busy on the net. I have felt many times that I need to "shut down", but then something happened and I was busy again. I have a tendency to get stuck way, way deeper than I can actually handle, for example the other day someone mailed me who was dealing with a legal matter, and I spent about three hours reading up on the law (I have no legal training so it's an effort) even though it wasn't even my problem to begin with. I do things like that all the time. Since I have some problems focusing, it makes me very tired to the point where I cry and collapse on my bed. I saw a dear IRL friend a few days ago, had not seen her in a while, it was great but afterwards I was so tired I could have screamed. But then at night, I got an invitation to a secret facebook group with people I admire, from a person I admire - oh oh, what a boost for my vain ego, so I was up late reading stuff. And so it goes. I know I get sick when I push myself too hard, while I don't want to admit it, it's not exactly a secret that things go awry when I walk all over myself.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  
  Not really.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  
  I actually tried to call my pnurse Thursday when I knew things were going off the rails. She was on holidays though. But another nurse that I talked to decided to talk to my pdoc, who called me up later and told me what meds to take, and to not hesitate to call again if needed (I guess they know I'm a reluctant caller). I have upped the antidepressant like he said, but that should take a few days to kick in. He also said to take valium three times a day, but I haven't been able to make myself take more than two. They help with the anxiety, but the SI seems to be fueled by something else... it's more obsessional. There are other obsessional thoughts right now. I can't even take a walk without naming all the plants and birds I see, it's pretty stressful (I know that sounds silly)
  
  I wrote some of my thoughts down, but that mostly turned into self-hate stuff.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  
  I think the only thing that would have stopped me would have been to not have any opportunity, which basically means other people have to keep me safe, and that I find unacceptable.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  
  It's not at all resolved. But while on the phone with my pdoc, I told him how intense my SI thoughts are and he talked about that probably I ought to have some form of therapy for this specific problem (despite all my many years "in the system", I never had that - it still became much better when I got meds that were helpful, but the only place I have had support for the SI issue has been BUS)
  
  As for pushing myself too hard, I think I will try to work a bit more on that with my pnurse, it's better with someone who is not family or friends.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  
  Oh yes. And I know it, I just choose to ignore the signs, because I want to live in another universe than the one I live in.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  
  I can't answer this one. The only thing that even stops me from hurting myself worse than I did today is that there are other people who would mind. It's a claustrophobic feeling.

This doesn't make me look very good. But that ship has sailed...

This doesn't make me look very good

i really disagree. you called someone for help, you are taking more meds as prescribed, you are looking at possibilities of doing therapy. you are being open here about how things are falling down after you've kept yourself going for a long time despite the stress. i understand the "need" to put others before yourself, but it's good that you recognise how it's damaging you to keep doing it.

I wrote some of my thoughts down, but that mostly turned into self-hate stuff.

is that a cause/trigger towards si or a symptom of how you feel after it? if it's a trigger, maybe it's something to work towards fixing.

Hi treasure

treasure wrote:

This doesn't make me look very good

i really disagree. you called someone for help, you are taking more meds as prescribed, you are looking at possibilities of doing therapy. you are being open here about how things are falling down after you've kept yourself going for a long time despite the stress. i understand the "need" to put others before yourself, but it's good that you recognise how it's damaging you to keep doing it.

Thank you. It's complicated. When it comes to the stress, part of it is that I like to make people I love happy, but a huge part is that I have social needs by nature, I love to see people, I love to talk to people online. Unfortunately, my brain doesn't agree. It's one of those things that can apparently happen when you have been walking around with untreated bipolar for far too long, all the ups and downs can eventually affect your brain negatively. Memory, focus, stamina, sensitivity to stimuli, such negative cognitive effects (it doesn't happen to everyone with bipolar disorder! But it's a known phenomenon.) So to stay level I'm supposed to limit the inflow of stimuli. Which bores the hell out of me.

It's not quite that I can't stand to be alone. For example, if my husband goes away for the weekend, I'm perfectly fine with that, I don't have a lot of abandonment issues. It's more restlessness. So I go to a museum with a friend, and everything goes right into my head, I have almost no filters, and it triggers a bipolar episode despite the meds I take. It makes me angry and defiant to be restricted.

When it comes to the SI, I don't think I ever truly stopped for my own sake. It got much better when I got meds that made me feel much better in general, it must be something like six years since I hurt myself so badly it needed medical attention. My main motivation since has been that I don't want to upset people, family, friends, even the psych staff. But I never feel that I don't want to do it for myself. The sad part is a bit of resentment towards all these people who are "stopping me", of course they are not actually stopping me but I feel constricted. If I was using alcohol or drugs and making a total nuisance of myself, maybe even was dangerous to others, I could understand it, but all I do is make people uncomfortable because they think it's gross, and I'm a long sleeve girl so most people don't even know... yeah, I know, I'm making excuses.

Nobody is going to accept my SI anyway, fact of life.

I'm in a conundrum now. Normally I don't lie to my husband, I just don't. But he's bound to discover that I hurt myself very soon, and I'm reluctant to say that it was while he was out for a few hours. I know it makes him worried about leaving me alone, I hate that. I could say it was earlier in the morning, he gets up much later than me so it's technically possible. It just sucks to lie.

treasure wrote:

I wrote some of my thoughts down, but that mostly turned into self-hate stuff.

is that a cause/trigger towards si or a symptom of how you feel after it? if it's a trigger, maybe it's something to work towards fixing.

It was written several hours before I hurt myself. Many times writing helps, sometimes not. It's a toss up.

Thank you for your time, treasure.

My antidepressant has kicked in today (this one is rapid, I know from experience). I'm approaching normal again.

Pleased to hear things are levelling out for you. I can really relate to being angry with others around SI, the first few years after i stopped hurting myself i felt the same. Luckily it eventually passed and I do it for myself now, but I still get it from time to time. I'm like its my body! Its not directly hurting you. Difficult one.
Hope it goes OK with your husband. Does it help to remind him that you are going to si regardless of whether he is there or not? That sounds harsh, i just mean, he doesn't have control over it. Its not his responsibility and so on.

Just thinking out loud... if you can do that it writing.

I have worked on it, but I'm still hypersensitive to being controlled. Got off to a good start with a rape in my early teens, then later something similar, and a number of years in a weirdo cult that actively teaches how to control and be controlled, a not very successful first marriage where I'd better not have opinions... and then entering the world of psychiatric treatment, where everyone knows what's best for you.

I know I can't stay stuck in the past, and I actually don't think about it most of the time. But I still have some kind of automatic reactions, funnily enough I'm less concerned with people trying to control my mind than control my body.

I did tell my husband the truth. I'm not bad at lying if I want to, but I have a genuine dislike of it. To a great extent he knows it's not his responsibility, I don't think our relationship would have lasted if he didn't, but it still gets to him. A tricky thing is that it really is rare that I hurt myself if he is at home, it's a solitary thing for me, and since it's not a totally impulsive act for me but something I can postpone for days or weeks, even if he wanted to it would be impossible for him to always "watch me".

Thanks Scarlett

This thread was really useful today when I saw my pnurse, many important things to talk about. I haven't processed it, but some things became clearer and I feel more confident.

I'm completely, completely exhausted now, but in a good way, like I got something for my effort. One session with my pnurse can feel like five with someone else, she is intense but kind, challenges and validations. I'm looking forward to seeing her again next week in the waiting-on-the-top-of-the-rollercoaster way.

Yay she sounds marvellous

I think she is very cool. One part is probably that she has had different jobs, from a nurse in a GP office, to several years as a deacon (in the Swedish Lutheran church, they mainly do social work and support people in need), to working with people at the end of life in a hospice. It's like she can confront almost anything, never with a hint of condemnation, and that is rare, even with the professionals.

She has psychiatric nurse specialist training and psychotherapy training, which is good, but I mainly appreciate her for her personality.

Oceanic