bus

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  I will feel purged and pure.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It will bring cleanliness. It will take away the filth.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to not feel this in the long run. I want it to go away. I am not concerned with the long run. I want the filth gone.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  Long enough for me to sleep without the nightmares. Then I will go about my day.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I could go to sleep. I could look at the upcoming schedule for Serie A. I could watch TV.
  
  I don't want to watch or do soccer things like look up the schedule because I don't want to contaminate something good.
  
  Maybe it will be long enough for me to forget.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  Shitty
  Slightly less shitty
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

Hide. Take another shower and scrub until I can't. Hide.

I don't know. Ask the part of me that is wearing two layers of clothes in long sleeves when it is hotter than fuck outside.

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I feel dirty and damaged. Used. What has brought me to this point is memories that came up.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Yes. Drank. Drank a lot. Or did some massive, brutal SI. I don't know. I lost time with the latter.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I took a shower and scrubbed. I let the dogs out. I am in bed.
  
  I don't know. I don't want to contaminate soccer with my filth.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Small. Weak. Unprotected. Upset. E X P O S E D
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Numb
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  I don't know.
  Shitty most likely.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  Fuck if I know.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  I need to be pure and clean.

Sounds real tough mate. Memoires are a bitch. I'm going to be annoying and say that si isn't going to make you any cleaner, it just might help you get further away from that feeling. Which is clearly very appealingly, but in the long run .... Is it really going to be worth it? I think you can sit with this because it will pass. You have been hurt enough already, you don't need to add to that. You don't deserve it and you don't deserve to lose your years of si free time.

I really hope the unclean feeling passes soon. You can do this

I still feel bad. I still feel dirty. I am unclean.

I'm going to be really annoying and say that even though you *feel* dirty and unclean, that does not mean you are dirty and unclean.

Hope this has passed now