bus

After:

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  
  Yes. It was actually a few days ago, but I couldn't answer these questions then. I'm thinking that this might be helpful to think about now even thought it was a while ago.
• what had happened just before?
  
  I gave in and cut. On Saturday. . . After 2 or 3 months of not giving in to it.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  
  I felt too much. And it was just so (metaphorically) loud! I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know what I was feeling except that it was too much. It hurt. I don't know what it was - I have trouble with trying to identify my emotions.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  
  There were lots of things I guess and nothing. Mostly it was just emotions building up over a while. I'd spent the previous 3 days pretty much just lying in bed doing nothing all day or trying to distract myself from feelings by reading a book. Some things which may have contributed to it - everything I need to do with going to the doctor and get a medical certificate and centrelink because I'm changing to part-time study this semester because I couldn't do it (I get a student payment from centrelink (Aust. Govt.) but it's confusing and difficult because I'm not doing full-time study. And I was frustrated with myself about how my counselling session had gone be day before, because I find it hard to talk and it sucks really really wanting to try so that I can get somewhere and then not talking so I don't get anywhere. . . And I was feeling stuff about friendships and how I interact with people and was feeling alone.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  
  I don't know. Self/harm is always a choice. I could have not given into it I guess. But I don't know if there's anything I could have done at any stage which would have stopped me getting to that point where I felt like my emotions were too much and too loud and everything was screaming at me. I could have tried to just let myself feel that I guess - but I'd been trying to do that for days and it just got too much.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  
  No
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  
  I tried distracting myself reading. I tried distracting myself by text messaging a bunch of people just talking about general stuff. That didn't really help - or it helped for a few minutes, but then I was back feeling too much and it was too much and distracting myself wouldn't stop me feeling. I tried to text message one friend who I can talk to about feelings and how I'm struggling with stuff, but she was busy. I tried to let myself feel stuff without doing anything to stop it, but I couldn't stand it because it was too much. *rel* I tried praying and asking God for help but . . . I don't mnow, I gave in anyway, so I don't feel like that helped.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  
  I don't know. I want to work out coping methods which aren't just distractions. Distractions are helpful sometimes, but I feel like I have nothing else and distractions don't actually do anything to help change anything.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  
  I don't know.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  
  Nothing's resolved because there wasn't any "situation" - it was just feelings which I don't know what they are or what caused by them.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  
  Yes. I'm there a lot of the time.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  
  I don't know.

There were lots of things I guess and nothing. Mostly it was just emotions building up over a while. I'd spent the previous 3 days pretty much just lying in bed doing nothing all day or trying to distract myself from feelings by reading a book.

it sounds a bit like a negative spiral? feelings can start off as tiring and frustrating but they turn into negative thoughts, which worsen the feelings and down into a spiral. if that's the case, then there are things you can do to help stop that spiral. things that get you away from your thoughts can help - physical activity, housework, immersive games or books or movies, creative projects. or things that improve feelings in general - being around nice people, treating yourself, having a hot bath or shower, listening to music etc. you could also try cbt worksheets to keep track of what feelings and thoughts you can identify - it doesn't really matter if you only put "mixed feelings" or "feel shitty" on there, it just helps to check in with yourself about trying to improve the feelings.

if you are anything like me, it can be really hard to tell that things are spiralling downward because it just seems the same, your present mood makes you think the past few days were just as horrible even if they weren't. being aware that you are spiralling is hard too, but for me, being unable to get out of bed or needing to go back to bed is a warning sign. there's different levels of "not coping" and it can help to keep track of the signs that you see when things are at various levels and put plans in place for yourself when you see those signs (eg, let someone know things are bad, make a drs appt asap even if you don't want to).

does any of that make sense?

the situations you were dealing with - centrelink issues, counselling, friendship issues - is any of that resolved? i find it helpful to write down things to show a counsellor, when i can't be assertive enough to say them. hopefully your next appt will make you feel more like you are making progress. can you get help from people, professionals, friends, with these issues?

Thank you treasure. Thanks for replying. Some of what you said made me think a bit, so I'm going to write a bit more to try and work some of this out/explore this a bit more. I think that could be helpful. Thanks - what you said was helpful in making me think through things a bit more.

it sounds a bit like a negative spiral? feelings can start off as tiring and frustrating but they turn into negative thoughts, which worsen the feelings and down into a spiral.

Ok. Yeah . . . I think that's a good description. . . a negative spiral. . . I'm interested in what you said about feelings turning into thoughts . . . I get both . . . they go together. Hmmm. . . . and I guess what you said makes sense. I don't know. I think "I want to die" a lot (I'm not suicidal, I just want to die) and it gets worse when stuff is really hard. The few days when I was in that place before I SI'd I was thinking it quite a lot and I couldn't stop it - it was like it went with feeling really bad. . . I was lying in bed listening to my clock ticking it and thinking the words in time with my clock ticking. And things I normally do to try to stop myself stop thinking it didn't work (things like thinking bible verses, or songs). . . . .

if that's the case, then there are things you can do to help stop that spiral. things that get you away from your thoughts can help - physical activity, housework, immersive games or books or movies, creative projects. or things that improve feelings in general - being around nice people, treating yourself, having a hot bath or shower, listening to music etc. you could also try cbt worksheets to keep track of what feelings and thoughts you can identify - it doesn't really matter if you only put "mixed feelings" or "feel shitty" on there, it just helps to check in with yourself about trying to improve the feelings.

Hmmm . . . . I've been thinking about this. I guess I've felt a bit like - doing things which are like a "distraction" (like some of the things you mentioned at the start) feels like a waste of time - because at the end of it I feel like I haven't changed anything. when I finish doing or get sick of doing the thing I was doing to distract myself, I still feel the same. I haven't changed anything or worked on anything. . . But - I think you have a point about "stopping the spiral" - because maybe doing some of that stuff actually does help - maybe it could help prevent stuff from getting worse as quickly. So - I think I'm going to keep that in mind and try some of those things. . . . . . hmmm . . . what works . . . . exercise helps. I need to make myself do it - which is hard sometimes because it's the last thing I feel like doing when I'm feeling bad - so, I'm going to try to remember that - to make myself go swimming or for a walk. . . . . . housework . . . hmmm - when I'm in a bad place I don't think that I could make myself do my own housework, but what has helped sometimes is going and helping my friend clean her house - so that's a good option, it gets me out of the house, not alone, the fact that my friend is there telling me what to do helps me stay on task and get it done (even if I'm a bit slower than I could be), and it helps my friend - so - that's an option. . . . . reading works to distract me from feelings/thoughts sometimes . . . . making creative things (cards, bookmarks etc) for other people. . . . . . . . Ok - so that's distraction type stuff I can do. And I guess yeah there is a place for it and it could be helpful. Even if it doesn't change anything, it could stop things from getting worse.

I'm wondering what sort of things I could do to more "work on stuff" as well. Hmmm. . . . . I wonder if my "working on stuff" is something which I can do in the moment when feelings are really hard, or if it's more maybe something I do at other times, but which I can't necessarily do in the moment when things are really hard. . . . . . I'm not sure. For example - I write a lot to try and work out stuff - I journal, write thoughts, write prayers, write stuff on BUS - but most of the time that's not something I can do when my emotions are at a really intense level - like with this post - it took a few days before I had calmed down enough to be able to write about it at all and then even longer to get to this point now where I am able to respond to your reply and try to work out stuff a bit more. . . . so. . . I'm not sure. Is there anything I can do "in the moment" to work on stuff? You mentioned cbt worksheets - could you tell me some more about what they are like? Are there some on the internet I can find? . . . . . . . . .

if you are anything like me, it can be really hard to tell that things are spiralling downward because it just seems the same, your present mood makes you think the past few days were just as horrible even if they weren't.

Thanks. That really helped. It really helped to realise that things have been good and bad at different times, because I have felt like that when I'm in that place -that it's just always the same and doesn't change. . . . . . So - the week I spent on holiday (study holiday doing a language course) in another city was actually good - I enjoyed myself. Sometimes stuff was hard, but most of the time it was good, I enjoyed myself and I didn't even think of self-harm (which is rare) most of the time. I also went fairly well at working on changing my thoughts and stuff during that week. After I cam back stuff was hard - I had about 4 or 5 days where I did not much other than lie in bed all day and I found it really hard to cope with my emotions. This week . . . Monday and Tuesday being in another city for college was ok - I still felt bad, stuff was hard, and I couldn't really concentrate on study so didn't get anything done, but it was better than the previous week - it was good to be around people and to not be alone all the time. I like college. I like the environment and atmosphere. I like being around people there. And . . . . like - people want to talk to me - I appreciated that this week just to have people to talk to about normal things. The last two days since I came back home again have been worse but not as bad as the previous week - I've spent some time not able to do much and lying in bed, I haven't gotten anywhere when I've tried to study, but I've been able to make some progress with working on some stuff by posting on BUS a bit and I made myself go to the doctor to get a doctor's certificate for centrelink - so I got some stuff done and worked on working stuff out a little bit. . . . . all of that just to remind myself that yeah - things do change and get better and worse at different times. It's not always the same. I don't always feel the same even though sometimes it feels like that after I've been stuck in those sorts of feelings for a few days. Thanks for reminding me of that.

i'm glad i made you think

You mentioned cbt worksheets - could you tell me some more about what they are like? Are there some on the internet I can find

yeah they're everywhere on the internet, here's one i like:

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9URmhH-PvOY/T ... +sheet.png

they are something you can do when things are really hard, or at any time really, practice makes it easier/better.

I'm interested in what you said about feelings turning into thoughts . . . I get both . . . they go together. Hmmm. . . . and I guess what you said makes sense. I don't know. I think "I want to die" a lot (I'm not suicidal, I just want to die) and it gets worse when stuff is really hard

they both propel the spiral down, esp when your thoughts are racing and you don't really know what you are thinking. feelings like disappointment might make you think "it's pointless to keep trying". thoughts like "i want to not exist" make you feel lonely, sad, hopeless, worthless etc. it builds on itself.

distractions are not useless, they can be really important. when you are stuck in your head, everything else is a distraction, your mind doesn't want to stop thinking and feeling.

This is a good one to help with negative thoughts.
http://psychology.tools/cbt-thought-record.html

Scarlett_ wrote:This is a good one to help with negative thoughts.
http://psychology.tools/cbt-thought-record.html

Just realised its similar to the above

This is full of coping tip's from dbt
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/distres ... ance1.html