Before - please no replies if we don't 'talk' already

[strmdncr]

Before:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  It won't change the situation at all and as a result the feeling won't really change, it will just be moved away from for a while
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  perhaps a temporary sense of peace or release or something along those lines. it would take away the internal anger that i have no place to voice safely for a while
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  not sure - at this point don't really find myself caring how i want to feel about this in the long run b/c its been ongoing for so long
  hurting myself will do neither
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  fucked if i know how long it would last
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i'm not writing all the things i could do instead - i already know there are a multitude of them. its not a lack of ideas of what to do otherwise that is allowing me to think the way i am, i am well aware at this point in my life that if i do si it is an active choice i would be making
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  likely disappointed that i didn't choose to do something else
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i want to talk to someone who understands but those people are no longer in my life - they were either past T's or are friends who have died
• How do I feel right now?
  angry, hurt, frustrated, confused, lost, alone
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  probably numb
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  better - less connected to internal, emotional pain - later after i sleep or whatever - not sure, probably upset/disappointed with myself
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  not as long as i continue to live with the people i do because it is evident they won't change. deal with it better in the future - i wish i could but it seems to get worse instead
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  Need = no .... want = maybe leaning towards yes or else i wouldn't be here posting this