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Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I will feel less guilty for eating normally.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will bring numbness, a relief from the pain of having eaten so much. But it will take away my control and my 2 months off cutting.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to feel victorious over all this. If I cut, I won't feel victorious at all, I'll feel like a failure.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  It'll last maybe an hour. But I feel like I need just an hour of not feeling guilty. But after that hour, I'll be lower than ever and I might purge. I really don't want to do that, I don't want to go to the ER again.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I can watch Monster High webisodes (please don't judge me, I am 25 and i still love Monster High). Write in my journal. Light some incense. Smoke my e-cig. Make a cup of tea. Do some homework. Talk to friends.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  If I wake up tomorrow and I've hurt myself, I will feel horrible and guilty and miserable, not to mention that they'll ache. If I do the things I listed above, I'll feel really proud tomorrow, because it'll be 2 months no SI.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  My self-protective instinct wants me to not feel so miserable. I have options. I can call a hotline. I think that would be the best way to honor that instinct.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  Eating like a normal person makes me feel like a fat failure. I feel incredibly fat right now. Like, I feel like I'm bursting at the seams. My ED is hell. Plus, I'm on my period and things always seem worse when that's happening.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I have been here before several times. Recently I've been reaching out for help, and I always feel proud of myself when I reach out instead of cutting.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I have been doing these questions and talking to an understanding friend (who has struggled with both SI and ED).
• How do I feel right now?
  Weak and miserable, but determined.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Numb.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Terrible.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  Eating can't be avoided, and PMS can't be avoided, but I can continue to reach out for help and make awful nights into small victories.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  No.