bus

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I'll feel better briefly, then super depressed and anxious. The anxiety will last for days and I'll end up worse off than now.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will bring pain and take away my sense of strength.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to feel God-conscious and strong. SI'ing at this point will put me farther away from those feeling-.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  The relief will last an hour at most. But, as much as I love feeling numb for an hour, I will eventually come down from the high and feel miserable. And I won't know what to do.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  Play with my dolls. Read fanfiction. Watch a TV show on Youtube. Watch Markiplier's "Drunk Minecraft" videos (my absolute favorite).
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  Well, if I cut, tomorrow I'll have to explain it to BOTH my counselor and my therapist. I don't want to have to go through telling the whole story twice.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i really just want to talk to someone and feel strong and get through without SI'ing.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I had a rough session with my AA sponsor, and while I made some progress, there are still things I need to talk about with her.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I've been here many times before. I usually cut, and that doesn't make anything better. I felt horrible after cutting. THe anxiety was massive and lasted for days.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I've been posting all over bus. Also I lit some incense and am treating myself to a soda (yes, I know the caffeine is bad, but I wanted a treat).
• How do I feel right now?
  Lost. Angry. Scared. Hurt. Guilty. Lonely. Exhausted. Emotional.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Numb.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Right after, I'll just feel numb. But tomorrow I will have massive anxiety.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  Not really. It was my 5th step and those are always hard.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

No, I don't need to but i want to.


Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

I stayed safe last night after posting this. Mostly because I just went to bed Hey, anything is better than cutting, even if it's sleeping for 11 hours.