not "before" but "instead of"

[southsider]

I'm not in danger of actual SI right now, but I'm feeling shitty as hell, so angry I can't see straight, and urgy as hell. I haven't been to this board in so long, but somehow remembered it just now and figured writing here would help.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I'm going to feel worse, so much worse, and guilty for breaking my ten years clean. None of the situations that have led to my feeling this shitty will be impacted for the better, but I'll feel worse about myself.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief will last as long as the actual SI, and then I'll feel worse.


Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I am really angry about something someone said at my internship. I feel disrespected by someone I hold little respect for.
I am so very angry at myself for not being able to find paid employment, and for feeling defeated and exhausted by the whole process.
I am so very angry at myself for several years of financial failure (I'm filing bankruptcy and the emotional realities of that have started to hit me)
My sister texted today to see how I'm doing. I haven't told her about the bankruptcy because I'm afraid she'll judge me. I feel ashamed.
I had a difficult, frustrating therapy session yesterday - it was ultimately productive, but draining and frustrating.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I listened to loud music. That helps. Writing this helps. I'm going to the gym right after I finish this - I'm literally sitting in the gym lobby, writing this instead of getting work done :p

How do I feel right now?
So very angry. Ashamed. Tired. Determined (to keep going).

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
God, it's been so long I can barely remember. Relieved? Relaxed? I dunno.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
EVEN MORE shame and anger at myself. SI is counterproductive that way.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future
I think I'm ultimately dealing with it okay - i'm writing and exercising instead of cutting. But I need to figure out why what my colleague said pissed me off so much - if something wounds me that deeply, there's something deeper going on there.

Do I need to hurt myself?
Nope, never actually do.

[herebedragons]

I like your title. I hope that you are doing well.